Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Page 1 of 5 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 46

Thread: I'm at a loss

  1. Senior Member
    CDNTrish's Avatar
    CDNTrish is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    6,436
    #1

    I'm at a loss

    Advertisements
    I'm at a loss.

    Backstory, DB and are started doing the LD thing back in the fall. During this time I would hang out with my ex, with whom I'm still friends with. I would tell DB (oh I had lunch with blabla) and was always honest with him since I had nothing to hide. My ex and I were simply platonic friends who would hang out every now and then (he had sex with my friend so the thought of us getting back together was a big no no in my mind)

    When I went to visit DB over Christmas he told me it bothered him that I hung out with my ex. I understood, but at the same time felt somewhat bothered as it felt he was trying to tell me who I could and couldn't hang out with. I asked him what he was asking/telling me and the issue seems to have never gotten resolved.

    Back in January, out of respect for DB I decided to not see my ex as much. The problem was the few times I would see him, I didn't tell DB. I didn't want to upset him so I kept it to myself. I felt like he would be upset if I told him and upset, so to me (at the time) this was the best solution.

    Now let me tell you in retrospect this was a dumb decision. I knew it was wrong, and I completely see how stupid that was. I eventually told DB that I had seen the ex (with I feel the need to clarify, I have no feelings for, and is there simply as a friend, just like any other friends I have). DB naturally got pissed. I apologized and admitted I f'ed up. I knew it was wrong and I'd be pissed if he would have done the same thing.

    This happened a few weeks before I went to see him back in May. When I went to visit him he brought it up near the end of our visit. I again apologized and realized it was dumb and shady of me. He said he forgave me.

    The problem is, he is still bringing it up. I know I messed up, trust me. But at the same time I feel there needs to be a point where we can move past this. Just tonight, I hadn't spoken to him in over a week, and he brought it up. I said I was sorry, and that I didn't know what else to do. Truth is, I don't know what else to do. I know I messed up, I know I am sorry, and I feel like we are walking in a circle.

    I don't know what to do. I feel like I am going to keep getting punished for a mistake that I made. He said that he knew I was sorry but that it was a process. I just don't know. I know it's my fault but at the same time, how many times do I have to say I am sorry before he stops bringing it up? Will I have to keep getting punished forever because of my lack of judgment. I feel like I can't say anything to him because at the end of the day yes it's my mistake, but it just making me feel like shit.

    Not sure what kind of advice I'm looking for, anything really. Oh, and please don't tell me I messed up, I know.

    Edit: Added new post, still need help.
    Last edited by CDNTrish; 06-29-2012 at 09:18 AM.
  2. I enjoy messing with people ;)
    Contra's Avatar
    Contra is offline
    I enjoy messing with people ;)
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    LA, CA / FLW, MO
    Posts
    1,292
    #2
    I've done a similar thing, not to an ex but to a boy that I was getting close to a couple months before I was with DF, so I know how it feels to be guilty yet unhappy about feeling "punished". However, I also know that DF has done things to me that I've felt betrayed about, and that he's tried to apologize for many times.

    I think you need to talk to DB about what's going on, and how you feel. Acknowledge his unhappiness, but at the same time, talk about moving on, Relationships are fluid things; like life, they are continually evolving and moving forward. I think it's DB's responsibility to accept the facts. There's nothing you can do but promise never to do it again. Being stuck in a bad part of the past is never a good thing.
  3. Banned
    Lychee's Avatar
    Lychee is offline
    Banned
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    15,327
    #3
    At this point I'd ask if there was any way I could help him feel more secure.

    It takes me a while to get past betrayal. It's not easy to just forgive and forget, especially when it's something I specifically asked DF not to do. Just because he thinks it's settled doesn't mean that I agree with him. After a while, DF has learned that hearing me out and discussing things helps both of us.

    I guess the only cure is time and patience.
  4. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Tojai's Avatar
    Tojai is offline
    Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    St. Pete FL
    Posts
    30,026


    #4
    Maybe it would help if you and your DB set very specific boundaries for your relationship. The impression I have right now is that everything is kind of muddled (he was bothered, you didn't know what he wanted, now he is bothered again and he's not sure what's going on with you). Sitting down and establishing boundaries and expectations might take some of that guessing game out and help you both to feel more confident and build some groundwork for establishing and repairing trust.
  5. Senior Member
    CDNTrish's Avatar
    CDNTrish is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    6,436
    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Lychee View Post
    At this point I'd ask if there was any way I could help him feel more secure.

    It takes me a while to get past betrayal. It's not easy to just forgive and forget, especially when it's something I specifically asked DF not to do. Just because he thinks it's settled doesn't mean that I agree with him. After a while, DF has learned that hearing me out and discussing things helps both of us.

    I guess the only cure is time and patience.
    I don't want him to just forgive and forget, but at the same time, I don't know what else to do.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post
    Maybe it would help if you and your DB set very specific boundaries for your relationship. The impression I have right now is that everything is kind of muddled (he was bothered, you didn't know what he wanted, now he is bothered again and he's not sure what's going on with you). Sitting down and establishing boundaries and expectations might take some of that guessing game out and help you both to feel more confident and build some groundwork for establishing and repairing trust.
    I've tried, and seems against it. He says he doesn't want to tell me what to do, which leaves me confused

    At the same time he says I can't tell him what he can and can't do, so I don't know.
  6. Banned
    Lychee's Avatar
    Lychee is offline
    Banned
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    15,327
    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by CDNTrish View Post
    I don't want him to just forgive and forget, but at the same time, I don't know what else to do.



    I've tried, and seems against it. He says he doesn't want to tell me what to do, which leaves me confused

    At the same time he says I can't tell him what he can and can't do, so I don't know.
    I think you'd like to move beyond this, continue the path of the relationship and let what happened fade into distant memory. I'd like the same too. I know for a fact DF wishes I would get past things quicker.

    It seems like he's taking longer to assimilate what happened, despite your reassurances. There's no way to hurry that process, not if the desired outcome is closure.

    Here's what I would consider saying: "I realize that I acted in a way that disregarded your express wishes and in doing so, lost some of your trust. I apologize. I'd like to get past this, but I recognize it will take time. Is there anything you would like to discuss? I am ready to work through this." I'd see what he says after that.
  7. Senior Member
    CDNTrish's Avatar
    CDNTrish is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    6,436
    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Lychee View Post
    I think you'd like to move beyond this, continue the path of the relationship and let what happened fade into distant memory. I'd like the same too. I know for a fact DF wishes I would get past things quicker.

    It seems like he's taking longer to assimilate what happened, despite your reassurances. There's no way to hurry that process, not if the desired outcome is closure.

    Here's what I would consider saying: "I realize that I acted in a way that disregarded your express wishes and in doing so, lost some of your trust. I apologize. I'd like to get past this, but I recognize it will take time. Is there anything you would like to discuss? I am ready to work through this." I'd see what he says after that.
    The thing is, we have already had this conversation. In person, we talked at length about it, and I told him basically everything you just said. We had a real honest heart to heart, and while I know it still bothered him, I don't know what else to do.

    It really surprised me that he brought it up today. I was dying to speak with him since I had so much exciting news and this is pretty much the only thing he said.
  8. Banned
    Lychee's Avatar
    Lychee is offline
    Banned
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    15,327
    #8
    I've done the same to DF

    Is he dangling it, trying to pick a fight? Or rehashing different angles?
  9. Justice Beaver: The Crime Fighting Beaver
    the_lepus's Avatar
    the_lepus is offline
    Justice Beaver: The Crime Fighting Beaver
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    9,707
    #9
    This must be so frustrating and somewhat hurtful to be reminded over and over agin of your mistake. I'm sorry you're having a tough time.

    As for your DB, you've done everything you can. You apologized for your mistake and you have been honest with him. I don't think it's fair that he can keep bringing it up and holding it over your head. I understand that he was hurt but if he said he's over it then he needs to get over it, kwim?

  10. Senior Member
    CDNTrish's Avatar
    CDNTrish is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    6,436
    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Lychee View Post
    I've done the same to DF

    Is he dangling it, trying to pick a fight? Or rehashing different angles?
    I don't know he just brought it up and that was that, I let him speak his mind and apologized again...

    But he just texted me saying he was so proud of me. I don't know it's like he brings it up and then it disappears again.
Page 1 of 5 1234 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •