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Thread: Totally at a Loss.

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    #1

    Totally at a Loss.

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    #2

    He is deployed and says I can date others... I am so sad.

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    #3
    Hello, and welcome to SOS.

    First, about your relationship. I don't want you to let anyone to tell you it's "impossible" to have feelings for someone you've never met. The way you met and became close with your SO sounds extremely close to way I met my DF, and we were together for many months before actually meeting IRL. Your relationship is very real, and I know that many would not argue (:

    Now, on to your question/call for advice. It sounds like you have a lot emotionally invested in him. This isn't a bad thing, but remember that there can be misunderstandings when not talking face-to-face. My guess is, he was a bit hurt when you told him about the other guy. Although I know completely that you only meant to be honest with him, even men who seek honest relationships have difficulties handling the fact that other men are pursuing their SO. I know my DF had some conflicts with this earlier on in our relationship, between honesty and the ugly bits. When he said that, he was being a bit unchecked. However, it's hard to know his tone over email. Don't take it too rough; he was probably emotionally taken aback and a little hurt at the possibility, even though you didn't do anything, it happened.

    Really, all that is needed is some strong communication. Don't sever ties with him for too long, or you will both assume completely different things about the situation over time. Talk to him about how you really feel, ask him what he wants for the future. I know life is tough for you, and he probably does too. But maybe something regarding his deployment is distracting him from the relationship? Talk to him!

    Hope this helped.
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    Thanks Contra for your thoughts, encouragement and advice. It really means a lot and it makes me feel good knowing that I am not totally out of my mind.
    Last edited by armygirl2012; 06-13-2012 at 12:47 PM.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by armygirl2012 View Post
    I live near the border and so I emailed an American, who was a lot like me in every way, except that he was well American and not Canadian. My heart hurts as I write this. He`s a reservist deployed to Afghanistan right now. Now before someone says how can you have feelings for someone you`ve never met, it happened. He and I are exactly what each of us was looking for. We talked a lot and at first there was an intellectual connection and then in progressed into an emotional one. He eventually said he loved me and wanted to get married when he returned from being away. I told him we could work toward that but that we would have to spend time getting to know each other and settle into a civilian dating pattern.

    The whole thing came to ahead this morning. Last night a local guy who I had dated wanted to try things again, I told him no, even though part of me was intrigued. I think this local guy was more interested in sex than anything. I told my soldier about it, because I want to be honest with him and his reaction stunned me. He said ``maybe you should try and explore things with him, you never know what will happen, and I am not going to pitch a fight for you.`` I told him that all I wanted was him (my soldier) and that it hurt he didn`t feel the same. I was really willing to give it an honest shot when he got home (we live a couple hours apart so the long distance was more like weekday long distance). I wasn`t trying to make my soldier jealous or anything and I have tried to be so thoughtful and caring. I wonder if I pushed him away being too available.
    You were right to tell him about the local guy asking you out. He told you he didn't mind you "exploring things" with the other guy. Since he gave the OK, you should do it. Obviously, he doesn't care. Don't put your love life on hold. Especially since you've never met in person. If you two are meant to be together, everything will work out when he gets back to the United States.







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    Idk that I would have told him personally but that's because I'd be afraid he'd take it the wrong way. LDRs are hard. I Did it for 4 years with my DH.

    I DON'T think you should persue anything with the local guy. ESPECIALLY if you want things w your man to work out. To me it's like touching a hot stovetop and being surprised when you get burnt. If you go out w this guy don't expect your man to be so willing to be with you when he gets back.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by 3MthGf View Post
    You were right to tell him about the local guy asking you out. He told you he didn't mind you "exploring things" with the other guy. Since he gave the OK, you should do it. Obviously, he doesn't care. Don't put your love life on hold. Especially since you've never met in person. If you two are meant to be together, everything will work out when he gets back to the United States.
    I agree if it's meant to be it will be- but not without working for it. She shouldn't go and cheat on her bf just bc he said to.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by 3MthGf View Post
    You were right to tell him about the local guy asking you out. He told you he didn't mind you "exploring things" with the other guy. Since he gave the OK, you should do it. Obviously, he doesn't care. Don't put your love life on hold. Especially since you've never met in person. If you two are meant to be together, everything will work out when he gets back to the United States.
    Just to comment on this, the reason I don't agree is when I first found myself falling for DF, and he found himself really liking me, we talked about it for a solid 2 months. We talked about the LD and other factors in life that would keep us apart for a while, about how it would probably take more than a year to meet with each other, and about keeping it open until we had more freedom. But both of us agreed that that would compromise our feelings, and that we didn't just want someone to hold. That we really just wanted to be together. And we stuck it out LD for a few years, and everything's been absolutely amazing.

    I'm not saying that you should definitely hold onto it. I just want to provide a counterexample. It definitely depends on the couple, and if you guys are really willing to do it. Talk it out some more (:
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by 3MthGf View Post
    You were right to tell him about the local guy asking you out. He told you he didn't mind you "exploring things" with the other guy. Since he gave the OK, you should do it. Obviously, he doesn't care. Don't put your love life on hold. Especially since you've never met in person. If you two are meant to be together, everything will work out when he gets back to the United States.
    He could be telling her that because he feels as if he's holding her back or making her put her life on hold for him, not because he doesn't care. He might care very much, but is setting aside his feelings for consideration of her well-being. Having been in this situation (except I'm the American, he's the Canadian), we had this very same discussion and both decided to be 100% committed to each other while apart because that is what we wanted from each other. We had not met yet in person when we decided that. Our relationship functioned normally despite living 2600 miles apart (for the better part of 3 years), the only thing missing was physical aspect of being in the same place.

    It sounds like there needs to be a sit-down and serious discussion about what each of them expects out of the relationship. You absolutely have to define it in an LDR. And be direct and to the point in your communication too. It's so easy to misinterpret or misunderstand each other when you don't have the body language to read. Also, doubt will kill an LDR. All you have is words between you right now, so you either have to learn to relax and trust what he tells you, or do some soul searching and determine if this sort of relationship might be too difficult for you to maintain. It's not easy. At all. It takes a lot of work and effort. Backing off because you feel slighted or nervous is probably the worst thing you could do, imo. It would be easy for him to interpret that as you losing interest in him, hence being direct and to the point with what you're feeling or thinking.

    And keep in mind that he may not have time to respond to your emails or messages. He's overseas, on a mission. There's probably a lot of things going on around him right now and you've said as much here, so maybe he just doesn't have the time to get back to you right away. Instead of thinking he's ignoring you when he doesn't respond, just tell yourself he's busy with work (because that's probably true), and he'll get back to when he can (which he has it seems like). Your messages are probably a bright spot in his day.

    Bottom line, you have to talk to each other and be completely honest about your expectations and feelings, so there is no room for misunderstandings. Just talk to him when you both have the time.
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