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Thread: FIL vent/advice

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    Mad FIL vent/advice

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    i started to write this whole long saga about my father-in-law and decided it was too exhaustive so here's the gist...

    what do you do when you don't like your father-in-law as a person? like, you think he is just awful? BUT your hubby DOES enjoy his family and visiting them and them visiting us. I've struggled with this for years...but i just dislike my father-in-law more and more as time passes. He's rude, ALWAYS has something critical to say about people (like, pointing out people where ever we go "oh she's fat. did you see how big HER nose was?") homophobic, racist (i'm SICK of hearing about his death wishes for the president...i'm not really fond of Obama either but i don't think he deserves to die!) AND the part that irks me the most is the thing that makes this all extra hypocritical is that he claims to be Christian, goes to church every Sunday, and yet is such a hateful person. some people find him funny. i find him to be an asshole

    how do i survive the visits with them for the rest of my life? his dad doesn't like me either and doesn't really talk to me during visits. we usually only see them once a year. I'm always super unhappy when we go to visit them, but i know my DH likes being with his family so i would never deny him of that. sucks because my parents LOVE my DH, i wish i had a good relationship with my in-laws...none of them really talk to me...but his dad is just not a good person.
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    #2
    I wish I had advice for you. My FiL is the same but not as outspoken. I can't stand my in-laws either.
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    #3
    that has gotta be stressful... Does your DH know how much the things that he says bothers and upsets you?
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    You accept him for what he is and keep your nose clean. Be polite and respectful (his disrespect and bigotry should not affect your actions and behaviors).



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    Quote Originally Posted by His♥PITA View Post
    that has gotta be stressful... Does your DH know how much the things that he says bothers and upsets you?
    yes, and it upsets him on both ends. Like, he recognizes that his dad has an interesting peronality but is kind of like it is what it is, and then also before we go visit and he can tell im stressed and he'll be like "i know you hate my family" all grumpily. I suppose if his dad said something rude outrightly to me he would go off on him, but he can't just tell him "hey, stop being an all around asshole because my wife hates it!" ya know? his dad has only said passive aggressive comments to me (still annoying). I know my DH struggles with it because his 2 worlds don't mesh. Though i don't really like how they treat him sometimes too...

    Quote Originally Posted by Judi89 View Post
    You accept him for what he is and keep your nose clean. Be polite and respectful (his disrespect and bigotry should not affect your actions and behaviors).
    that's what i've been doing since day one. I'm not really a confrontational person, something has to hit the spot just right to get me going. it's rare i blow up at people. It has turned into me just literally not conversating with him at all when we visit. If he talks to me (which he doesn't) of course i would answer back. is this the right approach? it's the only solution i can think of; avoidance. But it still doesn't help how left out i feel on visits...i usually tell DH to go do "guy things" with him while i work on homework in their basement when we visit so that he doesn't have to "babysit" me (my words, not his) because i'm the third wheel. i want him to have his family time without me holding him back. It's lonley...that's the struggle and solution for that i am seeking as every other year my Christmases are depressing
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    Quote Originally Posted by Judi89 View Post
    You accept him for what he is and keep your nose clean. Be polite and respectful (his disrespect and bigotry should not affect your actions and behaviors).
    This. I don't generally enjoy my MIL a portion of the time, but getting down and dirty and telling her how you feel is NOT a good idea. Telling your SO how much you hate them, if he's totally all in love with them, also is going to backfire.

    For the most part, I try and just be nice. I go visit every once in awhile if I'm back home in Florida to keep the peace and keep a relationship up. I call if DH updates me (Like, he made rank for instance) and I send flowers on mothers day, cards for birthday's, etc. It's SOOO much easier to bite your tongue and be nice than it is to backtrack after you've hurt peoples feelings.
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    Quote Originally Posted by alice04 View Post
    yes, and it upsets him on both ends. Like, he recognizes that his dad has an interesting peronality but is kind of like it is what it is, and then also before we go visit and he can tell im stressed and he'll be like "i know you hate my family" all grumpily. I suppose if his dad said something rude outrightly to me he would go off on him, but he can't just tell him "hey, stop being an all around asshole because my wife hates it!" ya know? his dad has only said passive aggressive comments to me (still annoying). I know my DH struggles with it because his 2 worlds don't mesh. Though i don't really like how they treat him sometimes too...
    How do you think your FIL would react if you went to him directly to try and have a conversation? Nothing accusatory, but from a "we both love DH and I really want to make our visits more comfortable for him, what can we do together to make this better for him?"

    It SUCKS when families don't get along... DH and I struggle with this as well.
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    Quote Originally Posted by OutlawWoman. View Post
    This. I don't generally enjoy my MIL a portion of the time, but getting down and dirty and telling her how you feel is NOT a good idea. Telling your SO how much you hate them, if he's totally all in love with them, also is going to backfire.

    For the most part, I try and just be nice. I go visit every once in awhile if I'm back home in Florida to keep the peace and keep a relationship up. I call if DH updates me (Like, he made rank for instance) and I send flowers on mothers day, cards for birthday's, etc. It's SOOO much easier to bite your tongue and be nice than it is to backtrack after you've hurt peoples feelings.
    i have thought about this too...but i struggle with it. where is the line drawn between being a good person and letting people think it's ok no matter how they treat you? i know i know i should take the high road and be the better person no matter the situation...but i struggle with that. Kind of like i don't want to reward them for never speaking to me and being rude...i know i could be the instigator of such things, but i don't know what it is but i just don't want them to get the satisfaction of unsolicited (and undeserved) ass kissing from me. BUT like i said i am not a confrontational person so i don't want people to get the wrong idea that i am rude back to them...because i haven't, well at least not directly. I think that's why i have chosen the rather neutral route...i'm some where inbetween total bitch and super nice to them as a compromise. but it doesn't seem like the right compromise; just feels chronically unresolved.
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    #9
    do you know why they don't like you? (I don't think you said but I have a cold so my brain is a little foggy >.<)

    DF and I aren't even married and I have issues with his dad. Mainly surrounding money (of course!) and I'm pretty sure last time I was around his dad he was hitting on me... So...at least you don't have that problem >.<
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    Quote Originally Posted by His♥PITA View Post
    How do you think your FIL would react if you went to him directly to try and have a conversation? Nothing accusatory, but from a "we both love DH and I really want to make our visits more comfortable for him, what can we do together to make this better for him?"

    It SUCKS when families don't get along... DH and I struggle with this as well.
    see i feel like that COULD be helpful and would be interesting to see how his father would react to such a question and what he would say. My DH doesn't even have "deep" conversations with him so it's extra foreign to me because i have zero clue how i would enter that territory with him. i don't see myself being comfortable with talking to him like that...and i don't see him ever bringing it up to me either. sort of silly, but to give you an example his dad reminds me a lot of Red from That 70's Show. i keep feeling like maybe something big will happen that will set this whole situation over the edge and get everything out in the open, but a big part of me sees this as never changing...especially since they aren't in our everyday lives and only see them once a year.
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