Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 35

Thread: How can I fix this?

  1. Banned
    Lychee's Avatar
    Lychee is offline
    Banned
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    15,327
    #1

    Help How can I fix this?

    Advertisements
    When DF and I have disagreements, he always says he doesn't understand why I am upset. I state "I am upset because..." and give my reasons. He still insists he doesn't understand, which I doubt because he is an intelligent fellow.

    I know that it is wrong to get upset in front of anybody (especially DF's roommate), but last week I had had enough with talk about calories and obesity and fat and exercise. I couldn't take it, so I asked (albeit a bit snidely) when this phase is going to end. Usually I save disagreeing for when we're alone, but after being informed that it makes him upset when I a) don't address it as it happens and b) take it to a different location, I followed his requests.

    This, as you may anticipate, ended poorly. DF's roommate felt the need to attack my character, even after I politely stated that this was not about him and needn't concern him more than once. I accept responsibility for that error and DF and I have a plan to never disagree in front of him again.

    The part that really upset me was this: DF stated that it was okay for his roommate to say those horrible things about me because he a) agreed with him and b) felt the need to defend himself. He also stated that he wasn't going to piss off his roommate by informing him that it was none of his business.

    Ever after that I haven't felt the same towards him. I don't trust him as much as I used to and I am creating distance between us.

    Is there a way that I can solve this? It hurts terribly and I don't know what else to do after discussing it with DF and his agreement that he was wrong and that it won't happen again. I don't feel as though I can trust him since he promised me that he would never let it happen again and it did.
  2. Senior Member
    missinghim's Avatar
    missinghim is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    9,316
    #2
    From previous posts, I think this just comes back to your DF not standing up for you. I don't think his roomie is the same guy that was so blatantly rude to you in the past, but your DF didn't stick up for you then either.

    What was the talk about calories, exercise, etc? Was it directed towards you or just two guys talking about working out?
    Never do anything halfway unless you want to be half happy.

    Is this a dream? If it is, please don't wake me from this high. I'd become comfortably numb
    until you opened up my eyes to what it's like when everything is right...I can't believe you found me ♥
  3. Senior Member
    Andie's Avatar
    Andie is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    12,747
    #3
    I don't know if you can fix it. I think your DF needs to fix it by consistently making an effort to stand up for you when family and friends of his trash you.
  4. Banned
    Lychee's Avatar
    Lychee is offline
    Banned
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    15,327
    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by missinghim View Post
    From previous posts, I think this just comes back to your DF not standing up for you. I don't think his roomie is the same guy that was so blatantly rude to you in the past, but your DF didn't stick up for you then either.

    What was the talk about calories, exercise, etc? Was it directed towards you or just two guys talking about working out?
    It's been a trend that, even as we go to sleep, DF talks about all of these plans that he has. He's mentioned that his heart hurts sometimes and I worry that he may injure himself but he gets offended when I say anything like that to him.

    I want him to succeed but I don't want him to hurt/injure himself and lose the momentum he has.
  5. Senior Member
    Element02's Avatar
    Element02 is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Fort Hood
    Posts
    595
    Blog Entries
    8
    #5
    I would be hurt because the DF did not stand up for you...and of course, that would be the main concern and so I can understand the trust issue. But, as far as fixing all this, the best thing you can do for now is wait for the topic to cool down. i mean, if you keep bringing it up, it makes me feel as if the DF's position will not change and he might just become bitter and annoyed.

    i wish I could be more help to you.
    "Love is just a chemical, we give it meaning by choice"---Eleanor Lamb (Bioshock2)
    " I feel like a part of my soul has loved you since the beginning of everything. Maybe we're from the same star." ---Emery Allen
  6. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Tojai's Avatar
    Tojai is offline
    Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    St. Pete FL
    Posts
    30,026


    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Element02 View Post
    I would be hurt because the DF did not stand up for you...and of course, that would be the main concern and so I can understand the trust issue. But, as far as fixing all this, the best thing you can do for now is wait for the topic to cool down. i mean, if you keep bringing it up, it makes me feel as if the DF's position will not change and he might just become bitter and annoyed.

    i wish I could be more help to you.


    He definitely should stand up for you.

    At the same time, if calories/exercise/etc. is important to him, I can see how he would feel attacked at being snottily asked about his "phase." It's very likely that he took that as an attack on his character too. I don't know the solution for that ... sometimes DH likes to go on about topics that don't especially interest me, but I either humor him or change the subject.
  7. Senior Member
    Andie's Avatar
    Andie is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    12,747
    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post


    He definitely should stand up for you.

    At the same time, if calories/exercise/etc. is important to him, I can see how he would feel attacked at being snottily asked about his "phase." It's very likely that he took that as an attack on his character too. I don't know the solution for that ... sometimes DH likes to go on about topics that don't especially interest me, but I either humor him or change the subject.
    That's mostly what I do, too. Just a casual "that's cool" and then on to the next thing.
  8. Banned
    Lychee's Avatar
    Lychee is offline
    Banned
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    15,327
    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Andie View Post
    I don't know if you can fix it. I think your DF needs to fix it by consistently making an effort to stand up for you when family and friends of his trash you.
    He's stood up to some of his family, but not all because he doesn't want the drama and the threats. He's worried they will come here and try to live with him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Element02 View Post
    I would be hurt because the DF did not stand up for you...and of course, that would be the main concern and so I can understand the trust issue. But, as far as fixing all this, the best thing you can do for now is wait for the topic to cool down. i mean, if you keep bringing it up, it makes me feel as if the DF's position will not change and he might just become bitter and annoyed.

    i wish I could be more help to you.
    I'll try not to mention it in conversation and give him space. Maybe space will help me too.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post


    He definitely should stand up for you.

    At the same time, if calories/exercise/etc. is important to him, I can see how he would feel attacked at being snottily asked about his "phase." It's very likely that he took that as an attack on his character too. I don't know the solution for that ... sometimes DH likes to go on about topics that don't especially interest me, but I either humor him or change the subject.
    I am glad that he's on this path to fitness, but I worry that eating four cups of cottage cheese and 45 bananas a week isn't healthy. He's an adult and he has to make his own decisions. I asked that I be included and it felt like this was a personal project for himself alone. I let him know that studies have shown when a couple embarks on a diet they are twice as successful when they cooperate.

    His roommate lives off beans and meat, splurging on high calorie foods one day a week. I worry that DF might adopt this method as well.
  9. MilitarySOS Jewel
    Procella's Avatar
    Procella is offline
    MilitarySOS Jewel
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    6,983
    #9
    You have a choice you can forgive him or not. Its a line in the sand kinda thing imo. He is who he is. You are who you are. Relationships take work, but if the two sides don't mesh, they don't mesh.
  10. Senior Member
    KatyB's Avatar
    KatyB is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    San Antonio, TX
    Posts
    1,135
    #10
    I think the bigger issue is less about the topics, but that your DF is disrespecting you. He's not standing up for you and allowing someone to treat you badly. I don't know that it's something for YOU to fix.
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •