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Thread: Do I need to say anything at all?

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    Lychee's Avatar
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    #1

    Help Do I need to say anything at all?

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    After considering what my friend (let's call her P) said and the whole of my friendship with her, I've come to the conclusion that I don't think I can be as invested in our friendship as I once was. I'm even iffy on if I can (or even am) her friend at this point. I'm trying to decide whether I should say something to her or just not respond.

    I've been friends with P for six years at this point. For a while things were great. We hung out and had fun. Most of the time was spent discussing her exes but such is life. It seemed to be going well until the first incident.

    The first incident occurred last year, when she invited me to dinner. I was excited to go and meet new people, especially her new boyfriend. Not even two hours before I was supposed to meet her and she changed her mind. She called me and said that she didn't want me to come because she was afraid that I would embarrass myself because I don't know how to act with people. I spent a few days crying about that. It still hurts a bit.

    Then she started saying that the reason why men like me is because "I am soft and cuddly like a pillow." That stung. When we went out, every man was looking at her. I honestly believe that, at this point, I was her "foil" so that she appeared to her best advantage.

    After I met DF we spent less time together. She was rather condescending about the whole situation, saying how it was cute I finally had a boyfriend.

    Then she started telling me that she and her boyfriend thought I was exactly like Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids. That I wouldn't get married and that her boyfriend asked if I had twenty puppies yet.

    The final straw, for me, was Tuesday. After admitting that I was worried about her health and safety, she laughed and said I've always been her boyfriend between boyfriends. Which, I have to admit, I took as rather condescending.

    I'm sick of it. No matter what I say, she still says those things. I get that she wants to be "better" than me. That's fine. But I feel she's been cruel and uncaring and I don't want to have that kind of negativity in my life.

    My question is this: Should I notify her of my feelings and my intent to sever communications or can I just fade into the backdrop? She only calls me when she needs me, because she told me I am her "boring, serious" friend.
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    Mrs. Nutmeg's Avatar
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    #2
    Just let the friendship go I've done that quite a few times with people. For me, there's no reason to say "Hey, I don't think this is working out. We're done!" (unless she did something absolutely atrocious).



    Also, my ex roomie drunkenly told me once in the middle of a crowded restaurant (actually yelled it, but whatever), "YOU'RE SO FUCKING BORING! I CAN'T STAND HANGING OUT WITH YOU!!" . . . so I totally know how it feels to be the 'boring' one lol You don't deserve that.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Ms. Nutmeg View Post
    Just let the friendship go I've done that quite a few times with people. For me, there's no reason to say "Hey, I don't think this is working out. We're done!" (unless she did something absolutely atrocious).

    I wouldn't say anything. You don't need to cause a scene where there doesn't need to be one.
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  4. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #4
    I think you have to do what's best for you. I've had friendships end both ways ... sometimes there is a big showdown, and sometimes it's more like one person always being "busy" and just drifting apart.

    From what it sounds like, she has a pattern of being condescending and inconsiderate. So in that case I would worry less about her feelings, and think more about yours. Would you feel better confronting her (and risk getting hurt by her words again), or would you rather just start distancing yourself and not bother with it? Whatever is best for you, that's what I think you should do.
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    #5
    Uh I would just not talk to her anymore. She sounds like an asshole.
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    #6
    I'd have a really hard time not going off on her tbh. Why have you let this go on for so long?

    If it were me, I would let her know I'm cutting ties because she's a shitty person, but you could just as easily stop talking to her.
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    #7
    Wow that is horrible. I'd say next time she contacts you, tell her your feelings. But I wouldn't go out of my way to contact her.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by january View Post
    I'd have a really hard time not going off on her tbh. Why have you let this go on for so long?

    If it were me, I would let her know I'm cutting ties because she's a shitty person, but you could just as easily stop talking to her.
    I've let it go on longer than I should have because of our history and because I was friends with her brother in college. He was really decent to me and I felt, since they were siblings, that she must be decent too.

    Also, I felt invested in the friendship and (I hate to admit this) grateful that she gave me the opportunity to experience things I hadn't and tried things I was once afraid to do. In retrospect, this usually meant going to a bar.
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    #9
    If she is only contacting you when she needs something, I'd just stop answering the phone. Eventually she will figure it out. If she were to confront you, I'd tell her that she is a crappy friend.
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    #10
    I wouldn't bother saying anything- it won't change anything. It won't make the relationship or its demise less toxic. I would just cut her out.
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