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Thread: want some advice please

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    #1

    want some advice please

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    Ok so this is a little bit of a difficult situation for me to get through and I need some advice.

    Those of you that know me, know that I have a pretty horrible relationship with my parents. my father and I are on a email only relationship with updates only because of the issues that we had. The relationship with my mother and I is a completely different genre of problems.

    Right now her and I are constantly going back and forth about my weight and smoking. I know that I am obese, I also know that I have an incisional hernia that is inoperable and makes it difficult for me to exersize, besides the fact that I am over 400 pounds now and even moderate exersize is very difficult for me. I have degenerative joint disease, even movement before the massive weight gain was extremely painful. and smoking well I just hate going through dt's so I smoke just enough to keep me from struggling with it and eventually in my own time I will quit.

    now those arguments I can handle with medical responses, but the arguments she has been having with me recently, are not just about me. they are often degrading and hurtful. she has also seen fit to have these conversations with me in front of others.

    first subject. I am not a christian, I was, but never felt like I was in the right place. I feel right, where I am now. I have a lot of friends from a lot of different faiths, heck we have our own representation of society in my own home when it comes to religion. my husband, brother in law and middle child are christian, my oldest is an atheist, my youngest is wiccan and i am a something similar to a druid. we respect each others religion and beliefs because that is what I think you should do.

    so I have my Mormon friend over the other day when my mother decided to drop by. I knew the moment my friend and my mother started talking fur was going to fly. My Mormon friend is also Cajun to the bone. She has a temper and will tell you flat out if she thinks you have over stepped your bounds. My mother being who she is did just that. She told my friend that she needed to encourage me to go to church and become Christian again. My friend put her in her place telling her that she liked me just fine as I was, that I was a good person who did not need a label. my mother shut up but I was incredibly embarrassed. I had no idea how to respond to this and just kind of sat there and told her that I was absolutely fine in my faith etc...

    the second thing is her berating of my parenting because apparently I am not being a good mom because I allow my daughter to be a lesbian. She claims that my child who is almost 15 has no idea what her sexual identity is and that she is only being a lesbian for the attention. I have tried to talk to her about this and tried until I am blue in the face. it has affected her relationship with che and my relationship with her has been impacted because we argue over it constantly. I cannot even mention anything about che without some snide comment from her about her sexuality or her mental issues and how she is only doing it for attention.

    I just do not know where to go with this with her. I mean I have tried being nice, hell I have even admittedly been bitchy about it. I have asked her to agree to disagree, I have changed the topic, I have stood up for my child etc... my child has begun standing up for herself because of these conversations. my mother has even brought this up in front of her.

    I do not know what to do. My mother is getting older and her health is not what it should be and I am trying really hard to just get through each visit with her but she seriously is making it difficult.

    so after that book, any advice on how I should handle it?
    I feel the need to be petted too!
  2. was ncgirl
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    #2
    That is really, really hard. I dont think I have any good advice on the relationship stuff. The only thing that came to mind is that swimming might be a good exercise for you since it relieves so much pressure from your joints.


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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by LittleBlueFishie View Post
    That is really, really hard. I dont think I have any good advice on the relationship stuff. The only thing that came to mind is that swimming might be a good exercise for you since it relieves so much pressure from your joints.
    thanks I am doing wheel chair exersizes , I just started but I am hoping to have great results.
    I feel the need to be petted too!
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    #4
    Honestly Im sure you love your mother but I dont think its worth the hassle you seem like you have plenty of problems without having to deal with without her critcizing you and your family and your life everytime you talk to her. My mom was the same way I think you need to sit her down and tell her if she keeps talking to you and your family that way she will lose you all for good.

    Baby you are just so amazing.....
    everything you have done without me there is unbelievable.
    The person that I married is the person I want by my side the rest of my life
    and I can't wait to get back to her. ~DH~
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    #5
    Swimming is excellent! As for your mother's "christian beliefs" I would find her some literature about christian forgiveness, and how everyone is a sinner... and the whole casting the first stone thing! But im a witch with a capital B.

    I have a very verybally abusive mother. My 3 skinny sisters were put down for being stupid, nothing but a secretary, and being a stay at home mom--- i was the fat ugly one.. and my brother was rotten cause he is the only boy--- No matter what-- my mother was going to ridicule.... some people are just like this.

    I am the type that would tackle this head on:

    "Mom, I respect the fact that you are concerned about my weight, but I'm an adult, I have doctors who know more than you do, and I am working on it. Any negative comments you make are purely counterproductive to my progress"

    "Mom, perhaps you are right, maybe my daughter is not really a lesbian and doing it for attenion. Since you were an absolutely flawless parent in all arenas of my childhood, I totally appreciate your views. Since you saw it is for attention, it must be a phase. You are right, it will pass. You are right, if I give it more attention such as conversation like these, she will just continue longer and rebel more"

    "Mom, I thank you for being concerned about my soul. My spirituality is something that I often struggle with. However, the Lord came to me in a dream and informed me that the devil is using you and your anger of the situation to conqueor your soul!!! Please mom stop this insanity and start praying for your own redemption! before you burn in hell for all eternity!" LOL

    honest.. that is what i would say... hope you got a good laugh
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    #6
    the last two lol i honestly could not deliver with a straight face. the weight thing i am handling fine it is the christianity and lesbian thing that just throw me and her ability to talk about it in front of not only my child but perfect strangers just throws me for a whole new loop.

    thank you all for your advice.
    I feel the need to be petted too!
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    #7
    Your mother, as frustrating and closed-minded as she is, is set in her ways. Unfortunately, at this point you can't change her. You can't change the way she feels, the way she views your "flaws" or the way she speaks to you about them. So your only choices are to 1. get a thicker skin and let it roll off your back or 2. avoid the situations where she brings them up at all. Personally, I deal with similar situations with my mom's criticism. I also wasn't blessed with patience or a mild temper. So to avoid arguments (that lead nowhere anyways) I limit our interactions to need-to-know basis, amicable dinner/lunches, or things we both enjoy like movies or wineries. If she continues to bring up her opinions in inappropriate situations, I would tell her that if she doesn't have anything nice to say, not to say anything at all, and if she can't resist, then she should just mind her own business and keep to herself.

    But that's just me. Good luck.
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    #8
    I have no real advise on how to deal with your mom and the whole situation, but I just wanted to say that it's great that you're standing up for your daughter! Figuring out one's sexuality can be confusing and scary and having your parent support you and help you can mean the world. Which is why I would not reply to anything your mom says about your daughter with 'oh I agree, it's just a phase' or something like that. While it might satisfy your mom, it could really hurt your daughter. It can be really hard to be a teen and figuring out you're gay (been there, done that) so, again, it's great you're standing up for her!

    Hope you can find a solution
  9. "If you don't like my attitude, quit talking to me"
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    #9
    What I would do, tough love.

    I am one to not have toxic people around me, near me or in my life. You mother sounds like is she is very toxic for you. I would simply tell her until she can learn to not speak ill of you and your family she is no longer welcome.

    Your mom will either catch a clue or sadly you may end up not seeing her again.

    I have done this with a few family members (a sibling and a cousin), i told them that until then can learn to be civil they are not welcome. Haven't talked to them in 5 years.

    There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't

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