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Thread: my cousins relationship and my "relationship"

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    #1

    my cousins relationship and my "relationship"

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    So, my cousins fiance left for Afghanistan two weeks ago. They have been able to have really good communication. They are the type of couple that publicly over facebook. Will say "I miss you" "I love you" and other things. K, cool. Works for them.

    Well, she knows, he knows, that Ian (my exDB) is in Afghanistan too. He left about two weeks before my cousins fiance. They know each other. We hung out quite a bit when ian and I were dating.

    Well, I've been trying to do my best supporting her and letting her know she can talk to me if she needs it.

    I guess I am just feeling like she thinks its ridiculous I miss Ian like she misses her fiance. I understand that its quite different Ian and I aren't dating anymore and that those two are engaged. But I miss Ian a lot. Like it makes me emotional just thinking about it, ya know? I haven't heard from Ian in a week and a half. I've only heard from him twice since he's left at all. But I totally get that Ian is just that way in general. He's not big on communication

    I don't know. I just need to know if its ok I miss Ian, ya know? I guess I need to hear from you guys to validate my feelings. I obviously don't know what its like to be in a serious relationship, let alone be engaged, but Ian is the closest I've ever had to something like that.



    Ok. I already feel better just typing this out. Thanks for listening.
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    #2
    You are totally okay to miss him. No matter what your relationship status is you can miss someone just as much as the next person that has been married for 70 years. That's like me tellin your cousin that I miss my husband more than she misses her fiancé because we are married. It's silly!
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    #3
    Oh and
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    #4
    Maybe you should give her the missing someone is missing someone speech

    It's perfectly okay to miss him & she doesn't have the right to belittle your feelings because he's an ex so it must be different. It's really not.

    "Thank you so much. No matter what, nothing is possible without you behind the scenes bustin heads and takin names. Thank you again. Everything you have done for me means a lot and nothing has gone unnoticed. I love you so much and thank you for saying 'I do.'"
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    #5
    Thats totally valid. I've never understood how somehow the definition of a relationship, be it married or dating, could some how be a marker of how much you love someone or how much you could miss them.
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    #6
    She hasn't said anything like "I miss him more" or anything like that. But I don't know why, I feel like perhaps if I say stuff on her facebook or text her, I feel like she might be rolling her eyes. Maybe I'm off, but that's how I feel. I dunno.
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    #7
    Here's what I think:

    "Missing someone is missing someone" (which is one of the most irritating phrases ever, but true), but everyone misses their someone differently. You DON'T miss Ian the same way that she misses her DF, because you are not the same person and he is not the same person, and your relationships are different. That doesn't make either of your feelings less valid or more important than the other's, but what I would avoid is trying to convince her that you feel the same way. I would just let her know that you understand and share the basic emotions, you're available to talk, you love her and support her, etc. But maybe try to let go of the idea that you feel "the same," kwim? You don't need to feel the same to be wonderful sources of support to each other. You're different people with different circumstances and different experiences and coping mechanisms, so you may each need different support and the opportunity to feel unique senses of loss and loneliness. And you can be wonderful fountains of sympathy and compassion for each other that way.
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    #8
    How you feel about Ian is how you feel about him, whether you are with him or not.

    You say you have the feeling. Is it her tone of voice, the words she chooses?
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Loving View Post
    Here's what I think:

    "Missing someone is missing someone" (which is one of the most irritating phrases ever, but true), but everyone misses their someone differently. You DON'T miss Ian the same way that she misses her DF, because you are not the same person and he is not the same person, and your relationships are different. That doesn't make either of your feelings less valid or more important than the other's, but what I would avoid is trying to convince her that you feel the same way. I would just let her know that you understand and share the basic emotions, you're available to talk, you love her and support her, etc. But maybe try to let go of the idea that you feel "the same," kwim? You don't need to feel the same to be wonderful sources of support to each other. You're different people with different circumstances and different experiences and coping mechanisms, so you may each need different support and the opportunity to feel unique senses of loss and loneliness. And you can be wonderful fountains of sympathy and compassion for each other that way.
    This is really good advice. On the support side, offering your understanding of how difficult deployments are and your understanding of the military is really helpful. Just the fact that "you have someone over there too" can be really comforting. Saying things like "I know what you mean, I miss XYZ or XYZ thing happened to me" is rarely helpful when supporting someone. I don't think you're doing that, I just mean in GENERAL that's usually not helpful. Its something I've learned from grief experiences, everyone is different and we can relate but we never KNOW, you know?

    On the other hand, what you feel inside yourself is totally valid. You're allowed to miss Ian. He's important to you. I think he's a moron for not dating you cuz, you know, you're absofreakinglutely amazing, but that's a conversation for another thread.
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    #10
    I'm on my phone, so quoting is a B, but Holly- iagree. That's a good point you make. I'm not sure if I've used the phrase "I know what you mean " but I understand how counterproductive. I'll be aware of not using it.

    Lychee-I think its more her silence that gives me that vibe... if that makes sense.

    Quote Originally Posted by linzerfufu View Post

    On the other hand, what you feel inside yourself is totally valid. You're allowed to miss Ian. He's important to you. I think he's a moron for not dating you cuz, you know, you're absofreakinglutely amazing, but that's a conversation for another thread.
    thank you. This was perfect and I love you.
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