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Thread: What do I say?!

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    #1

    Help What do I say?!

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    Hi everyone!
    My daughter's boyfriend is in Afghanistan. He is able to call her fairly regularly and we would like to know "the right things" to say when he tells her the things he sees. We understand that he has to get stuff off his chest and I am so glad that he is comfortable doing so. Gory details are no big deal to us - but we want to know what she should say to help him, to let him know that it is ok to talk to her and say whatever he needs to say. I know he won't/can't talk to his mother. I want my daughter to be the best support she can be. He is 21 years old. any suggestions?
    Thank you so much!!
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    #2
    First off, and . You should introduce yourself in the Newbies section. People on here are more likely to answer your questions if they get to know you a bit first.

    Secondly, there really isnt anything to say. When my DH tells me things like that I just make sure that he knows I love him and that I'm always here if he wants to talk. But I truly just do the listening.

    “It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
    ― Rose Kennedy
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Lost&faraway View Post
    First off, and . You should introduce yourself in the Newbies section. People on here are more likely to answer your questions if they get to know you a bit first.

    Secondly, there really isnt anything to say. When my DH tells me things like that I just make sure that he knows I love him and that I'm always here if he wants to talk. But I truly just do the listening.
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    #4
    While my DF (dear fiancee) was in Afghanistan, I primarily listened like PP(previous posters) have stated.

    Now that he's home I encourage him to talk about it while he's sober. He has no issues talking about it while drinking. We're taking things one day at a time. I listen. He's the one that needs to get it off his chest. I have no idea what he went through over there. The best is to listen and don't ever make him feel he can't share.

    While he's talking I use effective listening skills.

    I'm a social worker and use counseling in my job...so I'm more comfortable using those skills talking with him. It could seem awkward at first, but it really gets him to open up and focus on whats really bothering him.

    And there are times when none of that is really needed and the only thing I need to do is hold him and let him release whatever it is he's feeling.

    As he is transitioning, he's been back from Afghanistan for .... 6 months now. He's been going through the stages of grief

    Its just best to be aware of these things so not to hinder his progress. I think it helps to be aware of these things and if need be try to get him to seek professional help when he's ready, encourage, don't push, if it seems like it'd be a good source of help. Its a process... As far as your DD (dear daughter's) DB (Dear Boyfriend) he's in the thick of it right now... he just needs to know that she loves him, she's there for him, she thinks of him often and is proud of him.

    She should try to be supportive and not allow little things to bug her... she should try to be as stress-free as possible for him when he calls. Like try not to spend the whole time crying, kwim? But I let my DF know that I missed him and I allowed myself to get emotional at times...just not all the time.. After I hung up the phone/got off skype with him, I'd let it out and bawl for a good while. Especially if it had been awhile since we'd last talk. I'd give her space and know that this isn't easy.

    Lots of normal things in the world may trigger that she is worried about him; she's got to be strong. As her mom, be sure to acknowledge her loss, especially around holidays, family gatherings and special occasions. I cried, by myself, the day I graduated college. I wish he could have been there. I say loss because its worrisome, lonesome time for her. Cripes, commercials made me cry!

    I think it shows a lot about you, as her mother, to want to know how to help her. Keep up that line of thinking and I think ya'll will get through this deployment together in a good way.
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    #5
    Thank you for your reply!! My dad was at Fort Hood 3x, and I remember Killeen fondly!
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    #6
    Thank you, Snail! I don't think either one of us has thought far enough ahead to his being home and needing to talk about it.
    thank you thank you thank you!!
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    #7
    one suggestion I'd have is to really take a look at the different boards on this site. I realized that there were questions I didn't even realize I should be asking. Like, I didn't even know what I didn't know, if that makes sense.
    -Moe

    How shall I elude on foot one who chases me on wings?
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    "I like imprinted on you....not like i can go anywhere..." -DH

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