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Thread: I just...I don't know :/

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    I just...I don't know :/

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    Hello everyone!

    I feel as if it's safe to assume that this topic is discussed a lot...

    Infidelity.

    I think I need to vent and get some people's opinions or experiences.

    First off, let me say that I am a VERY VERY jealous person :/ It's sad, but I even get upset sometimes when my DB calls an actress hot >.< Anyway, I know that that will factor in once he get's deployed. I've been told that I cannot let myself think about it because it will only grow worse as time goes on. So that's one thing.
    Second, a little bit about my DB and I. We've been together for over a year and he hasn't, and wouldn't, cheat on me. Throughout our relationship there hasn't been any signs that he would be in another relationship or be having any sort of fling. He's a very genuine, shy guy and it would be very out of character for him to do so.
    So onto my dilemma. When I first told my family that my DB was going into the navy, they hit me with a bunch of stories. My sister's friend was in the navy (he married before he deployed) and he confessed to her that he had cheated on his wife multiple times while he was away. This initially scared me right off the bat. I knew my boyfriend would never do anything like that to hurt me, but I've been told that people change once they're off. My second influence came from my cousin. He was in the navy and his parents were saying that he also was with a lot of women on his deployments. At this point, I couldn't stop thinking about it. In a way it felt like it was inevitable. Over some time I've come to believe otherwise because I know my boyfriend better than they do. They still bring it up from time to time and it stings though.
    My other concern is that being that we're still so young (18) we haven't experienced anyone else but each other. I'm worried that once he's deployed he might change as a person or his buddies will coax him into being with other women to 'broaden his experience' because he's only been intimate with me. Sorry if that's a little TMI ^-^"
    Another thing that bothers me is that even if he did, I would never know. I know I shouldn't have any sort of doubt in my mind, but I can't help it. I'm 100% confident in our relationship, but hearing all these stories and thinking about all different kinds of scenarios...grr
    I've been meaning to talk about it with my DB, but I don't have the courage. I'm afraid it will create a small distance between us. He might take it the wrong way and believe that I don't trust him. I know that it's important to talk about before he deploys, but I just don't know how to bring it up without him getting upset.
    No matter how much I try to push it from my mind the whole subject of infidelity always rears it's ugly head. It plagues my thoughts so deeply at times and I just need some reassurance...

    I would love to hear what you ladies think...thank you! Any questions, please feel free to ask and I'll respond to them as quickly as I can.
  2. BingBangBoom that's how babies are made
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    #2
    Cheaters are going to cheat, military or not.
    I think all this stress & insecurity you have with yourself will eventually lead to the destruction of your relationship if you don't fix it. You will not be able to mentally survive a deployment with the view you have on things.

    Have you thought of therapy?

    "Thank you so much. No matter what, nothing is possible without you behind the scenes bustin heads and takin names. Thank you again. Everything you have done for me means a lot and nothing has gone unnoticed. I love you so much and thank you for saying 'I do.'"
  3. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #3
    If you haven't done it, I think it is absolutely imperative that you guys set boundaries before he deploys. What is and isn't ok regarding things like porn, talking to the opposite sex, going out, etc.

    As for talking to him ... honestly, I think you are right to be careful. I am kind of on the opposite side of the coin, DH is more jealous than I am. He has said things to me before that make me feel like he didn't 100% trust me, and it was VERY hurtful and caused a bit of tension in our relationship. It is extremely, EXTREMELY painful to hear your partner say they don't trust you when you have done absolutely NOTHING to make them feel that way. It is probably the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me.

    Maybe if you talk to him in terms of worrying about both of you instead of just him. Like you are worried that you guys will drift apart vs. worried that HE will change. Or you are worried about both of you being subject to negative influences from friends, not just HIS friends might "convince" him to cheat.

    I think it is a very fine line though ... if you don't think he would cheat on you, then trust him, put your money where your mouth is to so speak and have faith in the man you love.
  4. Senior Member
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    #4
    I would try talking to him, but not as an accusation just let him know what going on in your head. cause if you have that doubt in the back of your head all the time its defenitly going to affect your relationship in a bad way...
    hope you get things sorted out


    DB:"You are crazy to think I'm just gonna let you go princess. I will lock you in a tower if I have to. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
  5. Senior Member
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post
    If you haven't done it, I think it is absolutely imperative that you guys set boundaries before he deploys. What is and isn't ok regarding things like porn, talking to the opposite sex, going out, etc.

    As for talking to him ... honestly, I think you are right to be careful. I am kind of on the opposite side of the coin, DH is more jealous than I am. He has said things to me before that make me feel like he didn't 100% trust me, and it was VERY hurtful and caused a bit of tension in our relationship. It is extremely, EXTREMELY painful to hear your partner say they don't trust you when you have done absolutely NOTHING to make them feel that way. It is probably the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me.

    Maybe if you talk to him in terms of worrying about both of you instead of just him. Like you are worried that you guys will drift apart vs. worried that HE will change. Or you are worried about both of you being subject to negative influences from friends, not just HIS friends might "convince" him to cheat.

    I think it is a very fine line though ... if you don't think he would cheat on you, then trust him, put your money where your mouth is to so speak and have faith in the man you love.
    yes, that discussion needs to happen so you know you are both on the same page and can avoid hurting some feelings because of confusion and lack of understanding of the other's expectations. Also, aside from building good communication skills and working on your relationship, you can't really "prevent" someone from cheating...if they are going to do it, they will. And if that is the case you wouldn't want to be with them anyway, correct? If he's the one for you and you have a discussion and open communication, then he will remain faithful to you. It's hard, but you have to let go of the illusion of control, because you can't control his actions.
  6. Old Newbie
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    #6
    The deployment most likely will change him, but it will also change you. Change doesn't have to be a negative thing at all.

    If you are serious about him, you need to have very open lines of communication, ESPECIALLY when he's deployed, because that's all you're going to have. I would make sure to have that conversation face to face and the sooner the better because things will only get more tense for both of you as the deployment gets closer.

    With that said, is there anything he can say that will take your worries completely away? Or is it just in your nature to be jealous? I'm a jealous person too, but I get jealous of people - guys or girls - getting to spend time with my husband when I don't. There are many, many people who deploy that do not cheat on their wives/gf's at home. Just because you have a few stories of people that do, doesn't mean that they know what everyone else on every deployment does.
  7. "Small deeds done are better than greater deeds planned."
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Rissa*Rawr View Post
    Cheaters are going to cheat, military or not.
    I think all this stress & insecurity you have with yourself will eventually lead to the destruction of your relationship if you don't fix it. You will not be able to mentally survive a deployment with the view you have on things.

    Have you thought of therapy?



    I think the biggest problem are ur insecurities.... No Relationship will work without Trust..... Trusting in the person you are with is one of the Top 3 IMO ...
    Him being in the Navy will make him have more expierences .... but share them!!! Be happy for him and supportive or he just might turn away and think you will jump the gun everytime he tells you something ... that will def. ruin yalls Love....
    Cut him some slack dont worry too much get some help bout ur insecurities or self-esteem

    I love you 224
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    #8
    I know it's hard, but you have to not torture yourself with the "what ifs."

    Only deal with reality. You have to put all those other negative trains of thought out of your mind, otherwise, you'll find that it's your insecurities pushing him away. Don't let what other people say get to you I've heard all that "military guys cheat" talk and let it go right out my other ear. They don't know your relationship anyway. Just try to relax and take on the challenges as they come You might find that some of the things you're worried about may not even be an issue.

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