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Thread: Looking for some advice

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    Looking for some advice

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    Hello all,

    My boyfriend is in the Army and he is a PFC. About a month ago he broke up with me after dating for a month. His reasoning for leaving me was that he wanted to get married and start a family and he knew that it wasn't a commitment I was willing to make after only being together for a month. He did some dating while we were broken up and he came back to me and apologized for being impatient and says that he wants to work on the relationship. I was happy with that and so we made plans to see each other the next day. The following day went well and I brought him back to base after watching the Finals of March Madness. That weekend he and his friend was on the fence about coming home with me for Easter to meet my family. On Wednesday night he told me that he wasn't going and then a few hours later he texted me saying that he was going to go. At 0630 he texted me saying that he had CQ on Friday and Saturday so that he would be unable to go with me. I told him that it was okay and that I understand that the Army came first however I was disappointed. Friday he texted me saying that he couldn't talk because he was on duty. I told him not a problem and to text me when he was free and able to talk. We didn't talk till Sunday afternoon, and it was very short and one word answers on his point. So I told him that I would talk to him later. He texted me asking how I was and I told him I was okay asked how he was and he said great. That was the end of the conversation. So yesterday we were texting and I asked what was wrong. He claimed nothing and then I told him it was all one worded answers he was giving me and that if he needed I would back off.

    According to his mom (her and I communicate on a regular basis) she said that he is under a lot of stress right now and he feels bad because he can't spend a lot of time with me. But not only that but he is unable to go home on leave because he didn't have enough money. She also told me that he doesn't think I am willing to move from base to base with him, as well as put my dreams on hold so that he can pursue his dream in the Army. The last time we talked about this was the first time we were together and I told him I am willing to do all of this after I get my degree in a year. (He is stationed at the base near my college until 2014.) So by that time I will have my degree, but I do know that things can change within the blink of an eye. I will not leave him because he means so much to me and I will be HIS Army wife.

    This brings me to my problem. He is not the same guy I dated. The conversations between us I feel as if they are short and forced. He doesn't tell me that he loves me like he used to and when I tell him he always responds with a smiley face. He will say it sometimes when we are on Skype but it tends to be after I say it. Now he does need to make up for the missed time when he broke up with me. I am not saying this in a conceded way but he missed out and he has to prove himself and gain my trust back. I feel as if he is not doing that with the short conversations. Today for example, I did not want to text him saying hello to see how long it would take for him to text me and it's not 1930 and no text from him. What do I do? Do I text him to reassure him that I am there standing strong and I will be there 100% no matter what. I guess I am confused as to whats going on and looking for some advice as to what I should do. I have strong feelings for him and I do see him in my life for a while. Do I give him his space and let him text me as he pleases. I'm just looking for some sound advice.

    Thank You!
    Jackie
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    #2
    It sounds like he is unsure of things himself. Sometimes DF will get that way when he is under a lot of stress, not talk to me much not answer texts, but he always tells me he loves me and when he is not as stressed things go back to normal.

    I think the best thing you could do is to sit down and have a face to face conversation about where you two stand. Where does he see you two going? What are his fears/worries. And the same for you. You both just need to talk it out.

    lots of
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by lovejoeforever21 View Post
    Hello all,

    My boyfriend is in the Army and he is a PFC. About a month ago he broke up with me after dating for a month. His reasoning for leaving me was that he wanted to get married and start a family and he knew that it wasn't a commitment I was willing to make after only being together for a month. He did some dating while we were broken up and he came back to me and apologized for being impatient and says that he wants to work on the relationship. I was happy with that and so we made plans to see each other the next day. The following day went well and I brought him back to base after watching the Finals of March Madness. That weekend he and his friend was on the fence about coming home with me for Easter to meet my family. On Wednesday night he told me that he wasn't going and then a few hours later he texted me saying that he was going to go. At 0630 he texted me saying that he had CQ on Friday and Saturday so that he would be unable to go with me. I told him that it was okay and that I understand that the Army came first however I was disappointed. Friday he texted me saying that he couldn't talk because he was on duty. I told him not a problem and to text me when he was free and able to talk. We didn't talk till Sunday afternoon, and it was very short and one word answers on his point. So I told him that I would talk to him later. He texted me asking how I was and I told him I was okay asked how he was and he said great. That was the end of the conversation. So yesterday we were texting and I asked what was wrong. He claimed nothing and then I told him it was all one worded answers he was giving me and that if he needed I would back off.

    According to his mom (her and I communicate on a regular basis) she said that he is under a lot of stress right now and he feels bad because he can't spend a lot of time with me. But not only that but he is unable to go home on leave because he didn't have enough money. She also told me that he doesn't think I am willing to move from base to base with him, as well as put my dreams on hold so that he can pursue his dream in the Army. The last time we talked about this was the first time we were together and I told him I am willing to do all of this after I get my degree in a year. (He is stationed at the base near my college until 2014.) So by that time I will have my degree, but I do know that things can change within the blink of an eye. I will not leave him because he means so much to me and I will be HIS Army wife.

    This brings me to my problem. He is not the same guy I dated. The conversations between us I feel as if they are short and forced. He doesn't tell me that he loves me like he used to and when I tell him he always responds with a smiley face. He will say it sometimes when we are on Skype but it tends to be after I say it. Now he does need to make up for the missed time when he broke up with me. I am not saying this in a conceded way but he missed out and he has to prove himself and gain my trust back. I feel as if he is not doing that with the short conversations. Today for example, I did not want to text him saying hello to see how long it would take for him to text me and it's not 1930 and no text from him. What do I do? Do I text him to reassure him that I am there standing strong and I will be there 100% no matter what. I guess I am confused as to whats going on and looking for some advice as to what I should do. I have strong feelings for him and I do see him in my life for a while. Do I give him his space and let him text me as he pleases. I'm just looking for some sound advice.

    Thank You!
    Jackie
    For clarity's sake - you had dated for a month, broken up for a month and have now been back together for how long?
  4. The Decider
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    #4
    How long have you known each other?
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    #5
    We have known each other since the beginning of January, and have started dating again for about 2 weeks
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    #6
    So you've known each other for about three months and been dating for six weeks, off and on?

    A few thoughts:

    1. Yes. You should give him space. You said it yourself - he needs to show he's actually interested and wants to be with you. If he's not even interested in talking to you, why should you try to force it?

    2. You say he's not the same guy you dated. But you didn't really know that guy. Perhaps he was trying harder before because he wanted to win you over. Now he knows that you will take him back, so he may feel he doesn't have to try as hard. If I'm understanding correctly, he's not very responsive when you express that you're not feeling as loved/wanted. A smiley face isn't appropriate in a discussion like that, IMO.

    3. It sounds like he has some pretty unrealistic expectations out of a relationship right now. Dating for a month and saying the L-word is pretty quick, though not uncommon. However, breaking up with you after a month because you're not ready to get married and make babies with him sounds unreasonable.

    I would sit back, set your feelings aside, and weigh the pros and cons. You've been dating for six weeks. In that time, he's already broken up with you once. He's not putting forth much effort, for whatever reason, in your relationship. He communicates poorly. He has unreasonable expectations from you. You say you're not going to leave him because you have strong feelings for him, but I feel like this is an incredibly poor start to a relationship.
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  7. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Brianna Banana View Post
    So you've known each other for about three months and been dating for six weeks, off and on?

    A few thoughts:

    1. Yes. You should give him space. You said it yourself - he needs to show he's actually interested and wants to be with you. If he's not even interested in talking to you, why should you try to force it?

    2. You say he's not the same guy you dated. But you didn't really know that guy. Perhaps he was trying harder before because he wanted to win you over. Now he knows that you will take him back, so he may feel he doesn't have to try as hard. If I'm understanding correctly, he's not very responsive when you express that you're not feeling as loved/wanted. A smiley face isn't appropriate in a discussion like that, IMO.

    3. It sounds like he has some pretty unrealistic expectations out of a relationship right now. Dating for a month and saying the L-word is pretty quick, though not uncommon. However, breaking up with you after a month because you're not ready to get married and make babies with him sounds unreasonable.

    I would sit back, set your feelings aside, and weigh the pros and cons. You've been dating for six weeks. In that time, he's already broken up with you once. He's not putting forth much effort, for whatever reason, in your relationship. He communicates poorly. He has unreasonable expectations from you. You say you're not going to leave him because you have strong feelings for him, but I feel like this is an incredibly poor start to a relationship.
  8. Breathe and chill
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Brianna Banana View Post
    So you've known each other for about three months and been dating for six weeks, off and on?

    A few thoughts:

    1. Yes. You should give him space. You said it yourself - he needs to show he's actually interested and wants to be with you. If he's not even interested in talking to you, why should you try to force it?

    2. You say he's not the same guy you dated. But you didn't really know that guy. Perhaps he was trying harder before because he wanted to win you over. Now he knows that you will take him back, so he may feel he doesn't have to try as hard. If I'm understanding correctly, he's not very responsive when you express that you're not feeling as loved/wanted. A smiley face isn't appropriate in a discussion like that, IMO.

    3. It sounds like he has some pretty unrealistic expectations out of a relationship right now. Dating for a month and saying the L-word is pretty quick, though not uncommon. However, breaking up with you after a month because you're not ready to get married and make babies with him sounds unreasonable.

    I would sit back, set your feelings aside, and weigh the pros and cons. You've been dating for six weeks. In that time, he's already broken up with you once. He's not putting forth much effort, for whatever reason, in your relationship. He communicates poorly. He has unreasonable expectations from you. You say you're not going to leave him because you have strong feelings for him, but I feel like this is an incredibly poor start to a relationship.
    I agree.

    You haven't had time to get to know the REAL him yet in that short amount of time as you haven't had time to get past the "honeymoon' phase yet, IMO. I would definitely give him some space.
    Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like a boss.

  9. You are here.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by ~*Krys*~ View Post
    I agree.

    You haven't had time to get to know the REAL him yet in that short amount of time as you haven't had time to get past the "honeymoon' phase yet, IMO. I would definitely give him some space.
    Quote Originally Posted by Brianna Banana View Post
    So you've known each other for about three months and been dating for six weeks, off and on?

    A few thoughts:

    1. Yes. You should give him space. You said it yourself - he needs to show he's actually interested and wants to be with you. If he's not even interested in talking to you, why should you try to force it?

    2. You say he's not the same guy you dated. But you didn't really know that guy. Perhaps he was trying harder before because he wanted to win you over. Now he knows that you will take him back, so he may feel he doesn't have to try as hard. If I'm understanding correctly, he's not very responsive when you express that you're not feeling as loved/wanted. A smiley face isn't appropriate in a discussion like that, IMO.

    3. It sounds like he has some pretty unrealistic expectations out of a relationship right now. Dating for a month and saying the L-word is pretty quick, though not uncommon. However, breaking up with you after a month because you're not ready to get married and make babies with him sounds unreasonable.

    I would sit back, set your feelings aside, and weigh the pros and cons. You've been dating for six weeks. In that time, he's already broken up with you once. He's not putting forth much effort, for whatever reason, in your relationship. He communicates poorly. He has unreasonable expectations from you. You say you're not going to leave him because you have strong feelings for him, but I feel like this is an incredibly poor start to a relationship.
    ditto....how do you know that the guy you fell for wasn't the real person, and maybe this is the real him? Maybe he's just still iffy on if you're the one he wants to be with? Maybe the grass wasn't greener on the other side BUT maybe the image of you two was too good to be true and you aren't the one he's mean to be with. It really sounds like he's confused. I'd honestly would honor his wishes and give him some space and time to sort out what is going on in his mind. poor guy just sounds lost.

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