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Thread: i don't know how to explain to him. help?

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    #1

    i don't know how to explain to him. help?

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    DH sent me an email last night that is making me so friggin sad for him.

    Basically, to make the backstory as short as possible, he was enlisted for 7 years before he became an officer and IMO, he's really having trouble figuring out his place now. He obviously remembers really well what it was like to feel like officers didn't care about him and his guys, and now that he's in that place, he's tried really, really hard to be an advocate for his platoon, and he's really close with his squad leaders. I have been so proud of him and the way he stands up for what is right for everyone, but it's starting to really bite him in the ass.

    In his email he told me that his CO is coming down really hard on him for being too cocky and standing up against his chain of command too much. This stuff has been festering and going on for a long time—he and his first sergeant have been on horrible terms for months now and the CO is infuriated that DH continues to argue with him and not patch things up.

    I know that his CO is right. DH has taken his position as his platoon's advocate and "good guy" too far. He is closer friends with his squad leaders than anyone other than the other two LTs we hang out with. But I know that he is trying SO HARD. He loves his job and he is at the top of the list as far as tactical stuff goes. But he's drowning in this political stuff.

    I don't know how to tell him without hurting him that he needs to back off. I know he would hear it if I was the one who said it to him. And I need to do it because it's really pretty dire that he gets the picture. But the last thing I want to do right now is kick him while he's down. It's really important to me that he still feels like he can vent to me over this deployment. Help?
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    #2
    I always tell DH to put himself in the other's position, even for just a second. He's having similar problems because he just became the LPO of his clinic and he has two juniors under him who really seem to like to stir trouble–but he doesnt like to yell at them a lot because he remembers (just) being there and thinking his LPO sat around and did nothing (when actually, the juniors just dont see a lot of the work an LPO does 'sitting at his desk'). So, he's also trying to find that balance.

    In the same way that he's sticking up for his juniors, you should tell him to think about it from his superior's perspective (whatever that may be for any certain situation). If even for a bleak second he can see 'their side', in the case of DH (he too has the same problem), he can start to work on a better balance. I think DH has gotten better at it.

    I wouldnt be like "you're wrong!"- Just say "think about it from HIS point of view-Do you like it when your juniors talk back to you?"

    Idk if that's helpful at all, but I hope so.

    You're welcome.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by sasha*ba View Post
    I always tell DH to put himself in the other's position, even for just a second. He's having similar problems because he just became the LPO of his clinic and he has two juniors under him who really seem to like to stir trouble–but he doesnt like to yell at them a lot because he remembers (just) being there and thinking his LPO sat around and did nothing (when actually, the juniors just dont see a lot of the work an LPO does 'sitting at his desk'). So, he's also trying to find that balance.

    In the same way that he's sticking up for his juniors, you should tell him to think about it from his superior's perspective (whatever that may be for any certain situation). If even for a bleak second he can see 'their side', in the case of DH (he too has the same problem), he can start to work on a better balance. I think DH has gotten better at it.

    I wouldnt be like "you're wrong!"- Just say "think about it from HIS point of view-Do you like it when your juniors talk back to you?"

    Idk if that's helpful at all, but I hope so.
    absolutely helpful! thank you. it definitely is a balance thing—that's a good way to talk about it.
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    #4
    DH does feel like that at times, and yeah, he says it is a huge balancing act between keeping the wardroom content and keeping his people from being mowed down or being used by others. I know you want him to back off, but if you aren't there in the command, maybe you don't really see what he and his men are dealing with? I see it daily, i hear the phone calls, the junior enlisted or the civilians who work contract coming to DH with issues from other officers or even from the upper echelon demanding more than what they can handle or even drama. Perhaps he is having to deal with more than just a argumentative CO? What is his take on the CO and whoever he deals with in the COC above him? I just don't know if you telling him to take it down a notch would be ideal if he it the wall keeping the COC from railroading his guys and abusing their position over these guys. IDK, maybe its best for him not to become a "good old boy" just to fit in to appease a CO and to be put 'in his place', if its going to cost him his place to voice his concerns over his men. DH has said, time and time again, yes, its good to keep people in the wardroom and the OIC content but his men should also factor in as well, and if there is an issue, there's no one but him to stand up for them and make that fight.
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    #5
    Looking out for those who are junior is what should be done, always. BUT not at the expense of your own career (general you). Learning to walk the walk and talk the talk is very important. Whether the CO is right or wrong he is the CO. Being a leader means you have to back off the personal relationships with those that are junior..and maintain a good working relationship. Appearing too "buddy buddy" with the junior service members is not the leadership that they need.
    There is a way to be an advocate for your workers without being overbearing and argumentative. A squeaky wheel in this case might just be moved to another position thereby losing the ability to advocate at all, KWIM?
    Without knowing all the ins and outs of the situation it's hard to really give advice. But I would definately remind your Dh that sometimes biting his tongue and observing will go a lot further than arguing. You have to pick your battles....

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