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Thread: dealing with DB and his mother...not sure what to do.

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    christyxlynn's Avatar
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    #1

    Confused dealing with DB and his mother...not sure what to do.

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    Forewarning..long.

    DB is not very close with his mother. In fact, I think that I have a lot to do with it. When Jay and I first started dating, she called him regularly. I thought this was adorable to be honest. I think having a good relationship with family is important, and I let him know that immediately! The thing is, and the reason I feel at fault, the closer Jay and I get, the more I feel he resents his mother. She and his father, while he loves them both, do not have a good marriage. Far from it actually. He's also mentioned how his childhood was always difficult because of the two. (His sister, whom I've also started "chatting with," ran away when she was about 15, and she hasn't talked to Mrs. Lynn since...that was over ten years ago - so you can sort of see the severity of the issue.)


    He's where the advice part comes in. I actually really like his mom. Just last week she mailed me a blanket that she had made back in January. She told me today that Jay asked her to stop sending me things (and I'm assuming he asked her to stop talking to me as well, because after his leave she and I rarely talked.) I find this to be a tough subject with Jay. When I mention that I talked to her he sort of clams up. I understand why, I really do...maybe not from experience because I have no idea what he went through, but I know it's difficult for him. I would really like to continue talking to Mrs. Lynn, but I don't want to feel like I'm doing something behind Jay's back. I want to ask him how he feels about it, but I'm not sure how. That's where I need help...How should I bring up such a sensitive subject? I KNOW that I want to talk to him about it. I tell him everything..and I can't imagine keeping things from him..but I don't want him to be angry with his mother for defying his wishes and sending me a package (as well as emails.) I also don't want him to feel as though I've been hiding it, because I haven't..I just don't know how to bring it up.


    Sorry this is so long...and I'm sorry if it's discombobulated, I'm just a tad stuck at the moment, and I could really use advice.
  2. Wibbly, wobbly, timey, wimey stuff.
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    #2
    No advice, but

    P.s. I think it's against TOS to put last names, so you may need to edit your post!
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    #3
    Erm, I don't think I put last names but I'll check! (thanks for the and thanks for looking out.)
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    #4
    (I think what is being referred to is you say Mrs. XXXX several times with what is, presumably a last name)
    I think you need to have a straightforward conversation with your SO and explain that you do understand the relationship with his mother but that you and she have forged your ownr relationship that you truly enjoy and are able to draw support from. Ask him to be specific with you about what makes him uncomfortable about that and if there is the possibility of negotiating a situation in which he would be more comfortable with you continuing that relationship. Yes, you will likely have to acknoweldge that there has been continued contact, but better now then months from now when it has been even longer of what he will perceive as hiding things.
  5. was ncgirl
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    #5
    Im confused. I dont see the gap where they talked regularly and now he is not even wanting you to talk to her. Did something happen?

    Regardless, you should talk to him. If my husband told someone that they were not supposed to talk to me I'd be upset, IMO I make the decision of who I talk to. If he does not want me to talk to someone he can come to me and tell me, explain why and we can talk about it. Doesnt matter who it is. I'd also encourage him to work through the problems he is holding with his mom. It sounds like he is still having a lot of negative feelings from what happened. Im not saying necessarily he should repair the relationship (I have no idea what happened) but he should deal with his own emotions that seem to have a hold on him in adulthood.


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    #6
    the first thing I would want is for him to tell me what happened in his childhood, to make him NOT want a relationship with his mom.
    He needs to explain in order for you to make a desicion.

    he also needs to tell you why he does not want you to have a relationship with your potentially future MIL.
    I would also explain to him that a GOOD relationship between you and her only benefits him and does not hurt him.

    the biggest thing is comunication between you and he, and honestly if he does not want to share his childhood issues, I would be seriously reconsidering a relationship with him

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