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Thread: I can't stand him.

  1. i request the highest of fives!
    lorem_ipsum's Avatar
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    #1

    I can't stand him.

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    Second FIL vent in like two weeks. Goody gumdrops
    I feel slightly bad for saying these things, because I know DH's dad loves him, but I cannot frigging handle this anymore. And it is stressing me out so much right now and honestly, I'm pretty upset about DH leaving for Afghan and the through-the-roof blood pressure from FIL is not what I need to get through this.
    I apologize in advance because this is going to be long.

    Base story: DH's dad treats him, and the entire world, like garbage. He doesn't give a shit about anyone other than himself. He is the most self-centered, ignorant, racist, homophobic person I've ever met. He's so ignorant that he doesn't even realize it, if that makes sense. All he does when DH is around is belittle him, make him feel inadequate and stupid, force him into submission, and treat him like a child. I'm not putting words in my husband's mouth here—he says this all and more. He doesn't know how to deal with him so he just takes it like a puppy getting beaten with a newspaper—always has, and probably always will. It's honestly baffling to me, because I had never before met a parent who could treat their own child like that.

    Fast forward to this week. DH is leaving for deployment—he calls his dad to say bye. His dad is a wreck—crying, the whole nine yards. He tells DH that he has to "come back for him". Because "I'm your family. I'm the one who loves you. You come back for ME." Excuse the fuck outta me? I'M his immediate family. I'M the one who loves him. You treat him like shit every chance you get, and you have no contact with him unless there's something in it for you, and all of a sudden you think YOU'RE the most important person here? I don't know why I'm surprised. As usual, it's all about him.

    He's called me three times in the TWO DAYS since DH left. Saying "I just miss him so much." "I tracked his flight because I have to know where he is, I'm so worried" If you fucking love him so much, why don't you act like his father before he's deployed? On any other day of the week, month, year?

    I feel a little bad about this because FIL was in Vietnam. He thinks of deployments as, like, at least half of your friends die and you're irreparably changed and damaged. But he knows DH got through Iraq just fine. He pulled the same shit then. And went right back to treating him like shit like a month after he got home.

    I just can't handle it. I'm infuriated. I know it sounds selfish. But DH is mine. I love him. All the time. I take care of him. Hell, I comfort him BECAUSE of what FIL does. Don't pretend you're number one. You don't have the fucking right to care this much right now.
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    #2
    Sorry you are upset...but keep in mind his dad has been his dad since birth. Married or not and whether or not you like it….. his dad is still his immediate family. He may not know how to be a good parent...but he probably really does love his son.
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    #3
    You said it yourself - he is your husbands father and your husband loves him. You don't have to like him, you don't have to agree with him, you don't have to tolerate anything over the line from him - but you can extend basic courtesy and tolerance for your husband's sake if nothing else.
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    #4
    I can totally see where you are coming from.... but I think and always will since I have a weird/hard relationship with my dad.... parents will be parents and they made your Husband the Man he is the good and bad... Im not agreeing with him not being the dad he should be but he will always be his dad even if you got divorced or seperated or god knows but you cant ever loose the titel of being a mom or dad.

    Aside it all just be the better person ... we cant walk in other ppls shoes and we dont know what they been through thats just imo

    Stay strong

    I love you 224
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    #5


    My MIL does similar stuff. She only calls or emails when she needs something. Once on Facebook when DH was gone, she asked me to ask him if he loved her and how much? She then said to remind him that she loves him the mostest (yeah...) and will be the only woman who will always be there for him. It's annoying.

    It's his father though, just like MIL is my DH's mom. They love them, but they just don't know how to go about it without being awkward and weird sometimes. I am always courteous to her. I listen to DH vent about her and just listen. But there's times when I'm so fed up, I call up my best friend and vent. That way it isn't bottled up and overflowing into venting to my DH. I think getting it off your chest is a good thing.
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    #6
    I'm sorry Relatives can be a pain. Just try to distance yourself as best you can from him. If he's stressing you out too much, maybe step back a little

    Good luck!

  7. i request the highest of fives!
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    #7
    bah, he didn't make my husband who he is. if anything, my husband is who he is in SPITE of him. he didn't raise him.
    i understand that he's his father and i know he does love him. which is why i will continue to be polite and accommodating to him.
    but actions are louder than words. if he wants to be a family with his son, then it's not okay for him to only do it when he decides he cares. and i sure as hell will not make myself secondary.
  8. i request the highest of fives!
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by twistertwin View Post


    My MIL does similar stuff. She only calls or emails when she needs something. Once on Facebook when DH was gone, she asked me to ask him if he loved her and how much? She then said to remind him that she loves him the mostest (yeah...) and will be the only woman who will always be there for him. It's annoying.

    It's his father though, just like MIL is my DH's mom. They love them, but they just don't know how to go about it without being awkward and weird sometimes. I am always courteous to her. I listen to DH vent about her and just listen. But there's times when I'm so fed up, I call up my best friend and vent. That way it isn't bottled up and overflowing into venting to my DH. I think getting it off your chest is a good thing.
    thanks for this
    that's exactly why i'm venting. so i can swallow my pride and answer the phone and tell him how sorry i am for how he's hurting again and again.




    like i said... i know it sounds selfish. but i posted it in here so people could give me a smack and tell me to watch what i'm saying as well as commiserating. so, thanks to everyone. sincerely.
  9. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #9

    you're doing the right thing by being civil with him. I would have said something to my fil long ago.
    I'm sure it hurts you to see your fil pick and choose when he be a father to your husband. my mil is sort of the same way. though everyone things she's perfect, she treats her adopted sons different than her bio son. it hurts me to see him hurt when he notices.
    stay strong. all you can do is hope they can change. and for this man's sake, I hope he does.
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    #10
    I'm sorry My MIL frustrates me SO much whenever DH deploys. I know she's his mother and has every right to her feelings. But it's SO annoying when she acts like she's the only one who's affected when DH is deployed, or like no one else in the world has a right to complain, or have negative feelings about ANYTHING, or that her son being deployed should be all that matters to everyone else in her life.

    For example, when DH was in Iraq, her sister made a fb post about how her baby was all grown up (he had his 18th birthday), and how soon he won't be under her roof anymore. So her SIL comments on how hard it is with her son already at college. Well, my MIL follows up with something like "I won't remind you all of where MY baby boy is. You're all lucky, at least you still get to see yours!"

    I know she loves him and genuinely worries about him when he leaves. And I'm as familiar as anyone with how deployments come with some rough times and bad days. But just because he deploys, doesn't mean the world stops turning. And it just REALLY bothers me when she uses him being deployed in a way that draws attention to herself.
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