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Thread: Beyond confused .....are these symptoms of his PTSD?

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    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    To me, it doesn't really matter if it is PTSD. If he isn't getting treatment, the affect on you is the same, and that's not fair or healthy. You are dating a man who doesn't treat you well and may have an active drinking problem. Look at that sentence, and read it several times. Then ask yourself if that's really a relationship you want to continue.
    Quote Originally Posted by emily511 View Post
    These are symptoms of him being an asshole. I should also note that "normal guy who simply doesn't care" is a ridiculous statement. Most do.

    I would talk to him about it and if he doesn't change move on.
    I understand having zero tolerance for a pattern of hurtful communication problems, but I do think it matters where it's coming from- PTSD/depression vs. just not being invested definitely makes a difference, especially in considering whether to push for a healthier relationship or to break up. If mental health is the problem, then that's something that your support and understanding may help him get through- and it sounds like that's what you're hoping to do! But if it's not that, then your efforts to be understanding may make you feel taken advantage of when you aren't as high of a priority for him. You know him best, but it sounds like this is hard to decipher.

    My fiancé has a PTSD diagnosis (not from the military; I'm here for a military and trauma course), and it can be an enormous challenge to try and figure out if I'm just not that important to him sometimes, or if I'm just feeling that way because of things he's dealing with that I can't see. Knowing that the real reasons for his actions are these problems is an important distinction from him just not caring enough, but it's hard (or maybe impossible for couples with similar challenges) to have a relationship either way.
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    #12
    During or first year of marriage, I didn't know he had ptsd, he didn't either. I knew nothing of the trauma he experienced. He hid it from me. After a few months of marriage, I began to feel he was avoiding me. Going to a friends house 3-4 nights a week. Not calling to tell me what he's doing. Letting his phone die so I couldn't get him. Not coming home when I expected him. Yes these are typical symptoms in my experience. My husband still has a little of this flaky behavior even during his good times but he's more in tune to my needs.
    You deserve to be loved completely. But he also deserves a chance to have someone love him through the good, the bad, and the flaky.
    Loving someone with ptsd is not easy. No one ever asked me if I was up for the task. nobody asked me if I wanted a relationship that I would have to work so hard for. Nobody asked if I was prepared to love someone who sometimes can't feel love. I have been lied to, ignored, neglected, pushed away and accused of cheating for no legitimate reason when it's 100% out of character for me.
    I do not regret loving him. If I had it to do again, I would marry him without hesitation. Even though it means crying the tears all over, feeling the pain all over and living all the hard times all over.
    Why? Because he loves me. Even though I don't understand how someone can love without feeling love. I asked him why he loves me and he said "Because you love me." And he does, and he loves our three precious boys! It's not always painful. When he looks at me like Prince Charming looked at sleeping Beauty, or I see him with our kids it's all worth it. All marriages are difficult but I'm grateful to be loved by someone who would never hurt me or my boys and who is faithful. he is a good man and that's hard to find. We've been married almost 10 years. Most don't make it 5.
    Your guy is not my guy. But you have the luxury of making the decision knowing what you're in for. So I'm going to ask you, are you willing to live this life? I am by no means telling you to run! If you love him, go for it, it's totally worth it! But don't start something just to give up. He needs 100% commitment. You just seem like you don't really know what loving and being loved by someone with ptsd is like. Do some research, it will help you understand why he does what he does. And talk to him about the drinking. It's not a healthy way to cope and could be damaging for a relationship and a family. Even if it doesn't seem like a problem now alcohol dependence tends to escalate.
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    #13
    None of the above. He may just not be a communicator.
    Sounds like you guys have different needs and are not compatible in that respect.
    If you want my opinion on your relationship or life issues, just ask Villanelle!
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    #14
    This thread is two years old.
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