He refuses to talk to anyone...

[carter48]

hi! I am new here and hope I am posting this in the right area. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and we are currently living together as well. When we started dating, he had just gotten out of the army. Before that, he did time in Iraq as well as Germany. Because he was infantry and I've done some research, I know that the things he has done/seen have been horrible. But other than that, I know nothing. He refuses to talk about anything that happened while he was serving, which I am completely okay with. I have told him on many occasions that I will always be there ready to listen if he does decide to talk about anything but will never push him to do so. My concern is that more recently, he has broken down and gotten really upset about what he went through. After a night out with the "guys", and came home pretty drunk. I went to sleep when he got home and woke up a few hours later to find him completely obliterated, having drank an entire bottle of whine as well as a good amount of vodka. I had come to find out that this was a result of him having thoughts of the war going through his head after communicating with some of the guys he served with. He broke down, crying, telling me how this world is a horrible place and he doesn't think it is right to bring anyone else into the world because people are terrible and sometimes he wishes he could just get rid of everyone in the world. The next day he was completely apologetic of everything but still refused to talk about it. He claimed that it is his burden to carry and doesn't want to put it on anyone else. I tried to tell him that there are people who already have been exposed to the things he has seen and done and it will not push his burden on them. I told him that talking to someone about his problem would help lift the weight off of his shoulders as well as help him learn how to control his thoughts and deal with them so that he doesn't completely break down again. He still refuses. This has become a major problem in our relationship. Just last night, he switched from being lovey dovey to screaming at me over a fight we had earlier. Once again, this happened after he was drinking as well as talking to one of his army buddies. I don't know what to do to convince him to talk to someone but i think it is the best way to help him at this point. He has never talked to someone professionally but I believe it would be a huge help to him. Any suggestions?

[AlannaCodi]

My husband had a break down in the main entrance of the mirage in Vegas on the night of a ball. The next work day, he went over to mental health and started seeing a therapist. There really isn't much you can do to make him see someone. Just continue to let him know you are there for him. If/when he's ready, that's when he'll talk. These guys are very type-a for the most part. They don't like to seem weak. Some of them think getting help for feelings makes them that. My husband thought that for a while. But then he hit rock bottom and wanted to see change. That was over a yr ago. He still has his moments, but he has made great progress. Also, for my husband, he knows hard alcohol is a no-no for him because it puts him in a dark place. So he stays away from heavy drinking now too. Best of luck to you guys, and I REALLY hope he changes his mind about therapy. It's super common these days and the resources are great. Just remind him of that.

[the_lepus]

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. It's so hard to see someone you love struggling and you are so helpless.

A lot of guys think it's a sign of weakness to get help for PTSD or other mental issues. Unfortunately, a lot of times in the military it's even a risk going to a therapist because they could put their job at risk. I know it may seem like your job to rescue him from his pain and troubles, but it's not. Part of him recovering and getting treatment is realizing by himself that he needs help. You can't force him or convince him to get treatment. As hard as that is to hear, it's the truth. He needs to help himself. You are doing great just telling him that you're there for him to listen and support. Continue to educate yourself about PTSD and maybe try to keep alcohol out of your house. That's all you can do.

[Katarina]

No advice, but *hugs*!!! The ladies who have already commented are right, from my experience. You can't convince someone to go to therapy (or the like) until they are ready. When he is at his "breaking point", I hope he goes! And I pray that this all gets better for the two of you!

[mymightyman]

carter48 I too, am new, and came here for support. The thing that is helping me to support him is reading more and more about C-PTSD. It has really helped me to recognize when something's going down with him, and to handle it without taking his response personal.

[Svetlanadg]

You story is exactly what my story was a year ago. Husband overly drank to control thoughts and had alcohol poisoning. They don't talk about anything. They drink and chat it up with people because they put a fake front which helps them forget their memories temporarily. When they are with their close and loved ones , they feel at ease which allows them to be themselves which is depressed, anxious and angry.