Hey Everyone!

[DVA]

Hello ladies... (and if any gentlemen)

I am a former military fiance of a veteran who has severe PTSD. I have read some of your posts and am absolutely willing to share my story with anyone who asks.
The reason I'm here (and I'm glad I found this site) is because my experiences brought me from the brink of self destruction and back.
I dealt with domestic violence daily served from a man who wouldn't have ever thought of abusing prior to his war-related experiences, and have found peace with what happened to me. I went back to school for social service and found my purpose in life. I advocate for victims now as well as SO's of vets, and have found myself again.
I have written research papers, studied DV and PTSD extensively and have worked closely with directors of local PTSD treatment programs in order to provide support to SO's of vets with the disorder. I am nearly done with school and am prepared to apply and share my knowledge.
I am here, day or night, to listen and share in whatever way I can. May seem strange... but if I can help just one person who is/was in a similar situation or is dealing with any form of domestic violence (and not JUST the "hitting" kind)... my heart will be happy.

Some leave and come back the same men we sent away... others come back as strangers who we may never recognize again. Bottom line is, we still need to take care of ourselves, or we will never be any good to anyone.

~ DVA

[Traci08]

Welcome to the forums. We are all grateful to have you here. Most of us deal with the same issues on a daily basis, some are physically abused and more often than not, if we are in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer we walk on eggshells around them and we are emotionally abused, like some of us, but not all on a daily basis. We are left feeling very unwanted, very unloved and left with the feeling that our sufferer doesn't even care about us. Its painful. Although I am not a professional by a degree, I do consider myself with much experience, as I not only go through this, but have researched millions of miles to understand this, be it from carers or from the sufferers themselves.

I have written many, many inspirational posts. And the most comforting thought as we sigh in relief is, we're not alone.

[DVA]

I understand. I walked on eggshells for nearly 2 years. I've dealt with suicide threats, attempts and was blamed for things that I may never understand. Emotional abuse can cause wounds that crush your soul.
For a long time after I left my (formerly loving) partner, I felt guilt everyday for leaving. Like I had "given up"... and he made sure to remind me of that daily through 100's of texts and vm's. I gave in so many times, and took him back for almost another whole year. I believed he would change. In alot of cases, change isn't possible.
Now after therapy of my own, and working with others in similar situations.... I realize that leaving was the best thing I could do. I broke up my family. But staying with someone who abuses you constantly is no way to live. There is no "coping" with emotional and verbal abuse. It is a horrible cycle.
I sat idly by, letting these things continue and blaming the PTSD, constantly using that as an excuse for his behavior.
Though it may in fact be the reason he cannot control himself at times, it is not ok to intentionally hurt the people who love you.
I have a passion for PTSD, I think it will be increasingly prevalent in coming years... however, I have no tolerance for men who abuse their partners.

[SSG's Girl]

I have not had to be in a situation with a significant other with severe PTSD but I wanted to say thank you for offering your support to the girls on here who do need the advice!

[jessi01]

Hello . . and welcome to the boards. My husband was the greatest man I'd ever met and I knew him for 19 years, since I was 13 years old. We were together for 6 years as a couple, with two deployments. The last one, when he came back, changed him even more than the first. The first time with the 82nd they were the first guys in when we invaded Iraq and the second time he was living on an Iraqi base embedded with the Iraqi army. I know he's seen and done horrible things (not by his own fault).
He pretended he was perfectly happy until the day he walked out on e without warning. I knew he had issues, that he needed help, but he insisted that all of his unhappiness was caused by me. He proceeded to turn into a monster, had an 8 month affair, become verbally abusive, threaten to physically get rid of me because he hated me so much, lied about everything, let his friends trash me back here where we're from and has never spoken to my 16 year old son (his stepson) since before he walked out. He was in my son's life for 8 years. He was verbally abusive and tore down my self worth and confidence and then continued to reopen the wounds just to stomp on them. He then forced me into signing divorce papers (that he lied on) by telling me he was deploying and he needed this resolved so he could lead his soldiers effectively. He lied, he's not scheduled to deploy any time soon. His ups and downs were ridiculous. This was all coming from a man who had never so much as raised his voice to me and worshipped me.
Finally back in April he sought help because he was feeling nothing but rage. He was diagnosed with PTSD and Bipolar disorder and is getting treatment. That doesn't change what he did to me, and my son. My life has been destroyed by this man. All I did the entire time was try to help him. I was so stupid to let it all consume me and to stand by him. I haven't posted this, except for in the SG, but I was diagnosed with PTSD two weeks ago.
Now the ex is emailing me showing remorse. He wanted to talk to me, so I agreed. He did nothing but bull**** and talk about random stuff. He has emailed me telling me he's sorry and that there are so many unintended consequences from his actions that he's wrestling with. He wants to make amends with me, my son and the rest of my family, yet he said nothing about this when we talked. He apparently did some thinking over the weekend and has some of the answers I wanted. What, he suddenly found the answers as to why he did all of this to me over the weekend? He's a habitual liar. I find it hard to believe a single word he says. So, he wants to talk again this week, but I'm not sure I'll allow that to happen. If he's trying to talk to me to make himself feel better I'd prefer he wallow in the remorse of all he's done. It took a whole war to get him where he is and just one person to get me where I am. I have no idea what he wants from me now.
I think these men and women use PTSD as a crutch to often. It is not an excuse to abuse your spouse.
So anyways, that's my story, sorry it's so long.

[DVA]

Everything you've said, I've heard. I've heard the "I'm deploying again, so..." I've heard that it's my fault and that I "push his buttons worse than anyone". I've been cheated on, lied to and have often thought that I have some slight PTSD myself. Alot of victims DO.
Mine has apologized numerous times. Always telling me he knows what he did was wrong and he won't do it again... but every single time I believed that, it got better for literally a minute, and then it started all over again. The first year was good, the second year the PTSD reared it's ugly head, and then I spent an additional year "trying to make it work".

There was one evening in the winter when we went out of town to visit some friends. On the way home, the car was extremely warm, so I decided to crack the window. This was a trigger for him for whatever reason. (Prior to the PTSD diagnosis, this would surely have NOT been an issue.) He rolled up the window from the drivers side. I asked him to "please, turn the heat down then." He ignored me. So I again cracked my window. He rolled it up again, locked it and said, "Now try and open the f'n window." I didn't understand what was going on. So I asked, "What is the problem?"
Without any warning, he snapped. Verbal abuse, threatened physical abuse and I'm stuck in the car, for another hour, fearing for my life as we are driving entirely too fast on the interstate in the middle of a blizzard.
I cried, pleaded with him to just slow down and bring me home.
Instead, he forced me out of the car at a closed truck stop, 45 minutes from home and left me in the middle of the night, in what turned out to be a history making blizzard in our state.
I thank God daily for my friends who picked me up without question, so that I wouldn't freeze, or worse.
On the way home, he called and called and called wanting to apologize, I didn't answer. Then, he left another voicemail claiming he was in a ditch and I was a ***** for not answering and helping him.
It always turned into my fault. Which, I mean... isn't it obvious that it's my fault that he left me to die at a truck stop? (please sense the sarcasm in my voice.)

I don't know this man anymore. He was everything I had been looking for my entire life until his post deployment diagnosis of PTSD. It's unfortunate because he does go to therapy, but he's so manipulative that he even has his therapist fooled. If you asked his friends, they'll tell you that I'm crazy and a liar. Two things that victims often are labeled.
Sharing stories, seeing that we're not alone is one of the best feelings ever. To know that you're NOT crazy... but that you're MADE to feel that way.
This site will surely be a godsend over the coming years... it's refreshing to see the support that women can give to each other. Military wives/gf's are truly heroes in their own right.

[Traci08]

I am really at a loss for words. My husband has done the distancing and avoiding me and his son like the plague, but he has never physically harmed me nor has he verbally abused me. I've gotten to the point where I tell him what hurts me. And he has been doing fairly well with not ignoring and avoiding. He still puts off talking to me about our relationship. But, I sat down and hand-wrote a letter to him about how I know he's hurting, but I was not going to be disrespected by him any longer. And so far it has worked. I've pushed him away and I've done the "tough love" approach and just really got him to see what he would be like if I wasn't there. What he had come to realize that when I didn't call, I didn't text, I didn't email and I took him off facebook and twitter, he was still filled with rage. What he used to think that I caused it when I really didn't. It made him finally realize it had nothing to do with me. Showing him love and support didn't work because I was still excusing his behavior while allowing him to walk all over me thus allowing him to just not care about our relationship and throwing it all away.

[jessi01]

My exH is has not only been diagnosed with PTSD, but also Bipolar disorder. He has done so many unimagineable things. He really destroyed my life as I knew it, along with my self esteem, confidence, sense of self worth, etc. His friends around here refused to believe there was anything wrong with him. He fooled everyone and in the process his friends told all of our mutual friends how I was crazy, that he only went back to Iraq because I wanted him to for the money (this is insane to even think), that I spent all his money when he was gone, blah, blah, blah. None of it was true, but he let them and his mistress (we all went to high school together 15 or so years ago) trash me as much as they wanted. I have spent the last year isolating myself in my house . . no, actually my room. I used to be so outgoing, right in the middle of things and now I don't leave the house because when I do have I have extreme anxiety and am hypervigilant waiting for something to happen or to run into someone I knew and be embarrassed. I can't even go to the ****ing grocery store without feeling like everyone is looking at me and breaking into sweats. I cry all the time. I have extreme feelings of shame and guilt, for no reason. I'm struggling financially and have a 16 year old and 6 dogs to take care of. My life is hell. I wish I could feel better, but I can't. I try. My therapist said it was so traumatic because he wasn't abusive or mean or showed any signs of leaving or anger towards me until he suddenly left one day. I don't really care how it happened. I want him to feel the pain I feel or have felt. He is manipulative and selfish and the fact that he has PTSD doesn't matter to me anymore. It's not an excuse.
Now he wants to talk and give me explanations because he wants to make better choices now. I don't know why he does this back and forth **** to me. I am really so angry all the time. I mailed him a package last week with our wedding and honeymoon pictures, one of our wedding invitations and cards that he sent with flowers that he used to send me ALL the time. I honestly hope it hits him and he bawls hysterically. I don't know how else to feel anymore. I really just hate my life and don't want to have PTSD and angoraphobia. It's all his fault when all I did was try to help him for so long.

[DVA]

There are a few things that I've learned that have helped me through my own pattern of isolating behavior.

I needed to truly believe that it wasn't ME that was causing his abusiveness, nor was it MY responsibility to figure out what was bothering him or increase my own ability to meet whatever needs he may have had at the time. That took a long time for me to grasp.
Another thing that I learned is that a lot of times there is a clear pattern of behavior.
Tension builds, then erupts... and then there is the ever-so-popular "flowers and candy" stage where he apologized, said he took "a couple days" to clear his head and wanted a "fresh start". It was this time that he felt he needed to re-build the bridge he had just literally blown up with his abusive crap. Prior to accepting and realizing that I was a victim, I really thought he meant it, when in reality, it was his way of getting me vulnerable again in order to further traumatize my life.

I have been down the road of depression, anxiety and just not wanting to leave my bed. Watching the person who "loved" you so much prior go out with another woman is a horrible spot to be in. But there is one thing that you can hold on to...
It's not your fault.
You didn't make any of these things happen, and you most certainly aren't crazy. What you're going through is a normal reaction to a horrible situation.
I read the book The Secret by Rhonda Byrnes, if you haven't read, you should. It changed my life. I used to wake up and feel horrible about myself and believed everything I was told everyday: I'm fat. I'm a b****. I'm crazy., etc etc etc.
Now, I wake up and thank the Universe for a life free of abuse. The pain is still there, but fading rapidly everyday. I'm better off. I often think about his new/current girlfriend and how in her situation- ignorance is bliss. Abusers don't just abuse and then stop. It will continue... and sooner or later he'll claim her as a victim as well. Sad, really.

Keep your head up! I swear on everything holy... and my small dog-child THINGS WILL GET BETTER. It's a matter of believing that you're better than that situation. Go buy new clothes, get dressed up for no reason... do something to make YOU feel good. When you feel good about yourself, good things are drawn to you. It's the law of attraction.

[Traci08]

Thank you guys for sharing your stories. I don't think any of us really know what path we're walking down till it hits us. It isn't something we stumble upon and it isn't something that is eased up on us either. One minute we're walking a smooth path and the next we have this huge boulder blocking the entire pathway.

Perhaps I was naive or just way too patient at one time and thus clouded my judgment, but I think I was so set on getting to my goal and that was making him realize the help he needed because it was an impossible task for me to fix myself. I think as women, we have this motherly instinct and just like his own mom, she wanted to help, but she wasn't realizing that her 'helping' her son was not helping OUR situation, but enabling his behavior and making our relationship almost impossible to heal.

I was blamed for our financial problems and the fact that he racked up his credit cards and left me the sole responsibility to get in touch with these credit card companies to make payments on them while he was deployed. And no matter how many times I say to him and his parents that just because we have a piece of paper, the same last name and the rings he gave me to wear does not give me full access to his finances he acquired before we got married. I did try. And we had this discussion that I would save up while he was deployed so that we could have this money to pay off this debt when he got back. This was fine when he was deployed but when the credit cards continued not to be paid when he returned, with the help of his parents and not to mention his memory loss, this became my fault. His parents then decided to pick apart everything wrong with me, why? Because somewhere between Iraq and home I went from his best friend to his worst enemy. Suddenly, the all convinced themselves that I was the one that had changed, the woman he married just wasn't the woman he thought I was. My housekeeping, cooking and parenting skills were put on trial.

They saw their son hurting and he feared their judgment upon him if he actually came out and said the words, I cannot feel love for my wife and my son. I know his parents and it used to hurt me very much the way they passed judgment on everything he did in life. He was never as good as his sister, an attorney now in the Minneapolis area.

After we had married my husband found an old bank account he had started with his mother at an early age. Money that was legally his once he turned 21. They found out about this 5,000.00 dollar balance in this account and drove my husband to the bank and his mother threw the biggest fit until the bank returned this money into her own hands. My husband and I were absolutely furious about this situation. Was it honestly so bad that we had some money to pay off debt in our very early relationship as a wife and husband? It would've paid off his credit card debt. The very debt that has 'caused' our relationship to turn into On the way home she told him that if he pursued getting this money she would have him arrested and thrown in jail. How can anyone say something like that to their child!

A few months later when we were ready to tell people we were going to have a baby, over lunch one day when he told his parents, his mothers reaction was not a happy reaction. The only words she uttered were, do you want a divorce? How could she say something like that to a newly married couple?!?! These are the things that have kept me from being close to his parents. The whole time my husband was at Basic Training, they contacted me one time. And that was because my father in law's brother insisted on meeting me. And when they saw me for the first time, 2 months later with my huge belly, it hit them that I was pregnant and this new life I was carrying was in fact a part of them.

I have been on trial the whole marriage, not at the fault of my husband as he cannot control his parents actions. And it honestly ticks me off so much that instead of seeing the effects of war that is happening to their son, they blame me. I have not done anything to make my husband not trust me. Nor have I done anything to make my husband think I am incapable of paying bills. I have not done anything to deserve any of their negative judgments, the literally do not know me. It isn't my fault they don't. They've never been interested IN knowing me.

I am not trying to make excuses as to why my husband built up a case to tell his parents why it is he can't love me, but it is a PTSD symptom. The mask he wears everyday to not show who he has lost and can't find that has literally made him go on a self-quest to regain who he is that this war has left him a hollow man. He used to be so many things, have very close friends and a family that he adored. And there for awhile I would put a time stamp on fixing his issues and either coming back to me or to just leave me, because I didn't like the treatment and I couldn't handle the unknown.

I then realized that it isn't that he isn't willing to try and it isn't that he is unwilling to seek help, but it took him 26 years to define and know the man he was before the war and it took me 6 years to get to know and love that man. And it isn't something that either of us can do within a few weeks time. And upon realizing this and not continually picking his wounds isn't going to help the healing process, in fact it was just placing more distance between us.