The War Through A Soldier's Eyes-- The price-- one's mind.

[Traci08]

I wrote this on another forum, but it was really inspirational to me, once I sat down and read the words I typed out onto my screen. I do hope that you all take a look and that it is truly inspirational to you as it is to me.

I have not been on in awhile. I try not to make my entire world about my husbands PTSD. I will agree in part with some of what Gail has said and some of what everyone else is saying. Maybe clarify a few things. I don't believe we can catch someones PTSD. But, I do believe we can share the same of what they feel. We did not have the same experiences of the trauma or trauma's therefore it isn't a reality to us. What we are doing is protecting ourselves. Mostly from heartache, not always caused by our own, but the pain we see our loved ones going through. It breaks my heart seeing my husband try to fit back in again with his friends from high school, making new friends and just trying to fit in somewhere in society again. For the most part, he succeeds in doing so, as his new friends and those he went to high school with whom have not seen him in many years, do not remember the person he once was. They accept that he has change, because change is a natural occurring thing among us. His new friends, never knew the old person he used to be. The only one who feels any heartbreak from the sufferer is grieving for the person we lost.

I do believe secondary PTSD does exist. I felt it. I took on his symptoms, but I believe our trauma comes from seeing the person we once knew, fade away. We see them slip further and further away and our pain is so consuming, we use our own coping tools, that our mind only knows how to do. Our SO's do the same thing. But, they cope after seeing a trauma or traumas. It is such a roller coaster ride of emotions for us both. My son feels it and he doesn't even know why. He cries and doesn't understand or know what it is he is crying for or about. All he knows is his daddy isn't home with us and he misses him very much. The guilt our significant others feels, breaks them everyday and they do all that they can to bury it. Which means ignoring and avoiding. We represent the good that they once had in their life. They feel they are no longer deserving of loving or being loved. Instead they go on a search to find their happiness, some days it works and other days it doesn't.

Sometimes all of this is so overwhelming to me, because I am ignored so much and avoided. And I am so tired of hearing he's just not into the relationship anymore. And I just want to tell people, YOU THINK?!?! But, they don't look at it as PTSD, he hides it very well. Some days I think I am the only one that sees it. I then have to step back for awhile till I can get myself into a place where I can be supportive of him and all that he is going through. And he also has to do the same. Some days he can't bring himself to answer his phone, texts or emails. And we both have worked very hard at this. We still fight, but we always make up. And as much as it breaks my heart when we fight, when we make up, we both communicate. And we both can see where the other is coming from. We get things out in the open, I tell him how I feel and he tells me how he feels. And then there are days where I just don't think he is trying at all. His journey to acquaint himself to the stranger he sees in his bathroom mirror everyday is tiresome. I understand that. And he now understands that I do. I remind him all the time that he worth all of this. And I don't believe in a time limit on finding who you are. I've tried it and it doesn't work that way. You spend most of your life, knowing the person you once were, learning who you are and can be in society. You build up friendships, relationships and you define who it is you want to be. PTSD takes all of that away from a person. And it is no longer surprising why it is we hold onto one another. Why neither of us can let go. It took me 6 years to know that man. It took him 26 years to define himself to be that man. And one thing, such as a trauma, took that both away from us.

So, I can now understand his frustration, his rage and his guilt that he holds seeing yourself in the mirror one day and loving ones self to waking up the next day and not even recognize the person staring back at you. It is a lot to take in and even harder to process. It takes a lot of time. There is no speed course. No introduce your new self 101 class. You're relearning everything. You're trying to love yourself and accept who you are now. It is a constant process and with every step forward there is 2 steps backward. PTSD can be triggered at any moment and it can also regress you back to any point during the trauma. It can also regress back to a time where you felt safe and not vulnerable. And it is up to us, the carers to allow time for all of this to happen. I'm not saying it is easy to do, we all feel weak, especially when we have no idea what to do.

--Traci

[evil_genius]

How do you handle it when he gets so that he can't communicate at all? I've been dealing with this for a couple days now, he emailed me telling me he's fine, but that he needs time to deal with his head. I'm worried, and its taking all the restraint I can muster to leave him be, but its eating at me like nothing I've ever felt before

[jesshope]

Thank you for sharing.
This is so true. I am new here and it gave me chills when I started reading everyone's posts casually just browsing, because I was overwhelmed how much I could relate to the stories, sometimes word for word it seems. It's not that I want to see anyone else go through this, but it helps to know that I'm not crazy. When everyone around me questions my situation it makes me wonder on a day-to-day basis, "are they right? do I just need to move on? does he really just not love me anymore?" But then I realize, there is so much more to my story, to our story. It needs to be told to the world. I have never been in love, nor do I think I will ever be, like I was and still am with my SO. And when he came back from Iraq and things started to fall apart, I was terrified of losing him. He broke up with me, said he was done for good, and for a while I just thought that somehow that was the truth. But something inside of me kept telling me that what we had WAS real despite what everyone was saying, and all of the doubt that was there because he seemed so distant. Then I started to put the pieces together and the more I learn about PTSD the more I see that I am dealing with much more than a good relationship gone bad. I only love him more because of it. I am learning patience, and I am learning that I can't expect anyone who has never been through this in their relationships to understand or support me. I have to find strength in myself. And already, you ladies are helping me to do so.

[evil_genius]

Originally Posted by jesshope I am learning that I can't expect anyone who has never been through this in their relationships to understand or support me. I have to find strength in myself. And already, you ladies are helping me to do so.

Its so hard to deal with when no one else that you know is going through it. I keep hoping it gets easier with time.

[jesshope]

me too. that's all I can do, is hope that with time it will get better.

[Traci08]

To answer your question on how I deal with the distance, the avoidance. I don't. I cry, I get mad, I vent to anyone who is willing to listen. I just don't do it at him. I come here, I go to another forum, I talk to friends online who either have it or are going through it.

I had him on facebook, but took him off. I cannot stand the avoidance. I try to talk with him on there and he ignores anything and everything I say. He ignores texts, phone calls and emails. It is so very hard to take. And even more hard to see him have fun on facebook with his friends, those he sees almost on a daily basis.

His lack of respect for me has gotten way out of control and I am trying to find the perfect way, without making him feel attacked, to get some resolve.

[SlyFawkes]

Originally Posted by evil_genius How do you handle it when he gets so that he can't communicate at all? I've been dealing with this for a couple days now, he emailed me telling me he's fine, but that he needs time to deal with his head. I'm worried, and its taking all the restraint I can muster to leave him be, but its eating at me like nothing I've ever felt before

I'm so glad I came across this forum and this post. I've been struggling for the past month or so with a very similar situation. When my then-boyfriend got back from Iraq in late September, things were wonderful. I spent a few days at LeJeune with him and things were beautiful. I went home, and about a week later I started noticing him pushing me away and being a bit distant. Then, there was a day where I heard nothing from him at all...no response to texts, no picking up when I called. I got worried. The next day, I went on Facebook and *surprise* found out I was "no longer listed as in a relationship". I didn't hear from him at all, no explanation, nothing. I begged and pleaded with him...the day he did it was the 1-year anniversary of a friend's suicide and I didn't think I could handle both of those things at once. But no- nothing.
He finally came back to Ohio on leave and after a day or so back, talked to me. I told him that I had some of his things and he responded that I should just leave it with his best friend. I said no, that I wanted to give it to him in person, because I deserve an explanation. So we met up, and I couldn't look him in the eyes. Finally I did, and as usual, all of the bitterness and anger went away as well as my strength, and I was just fragile. He apologized for doing things the way that he did, but he "just doesn't want to be in a relationship right now"; he expected that he'd come home from Iraq and have everything in place, but he doesn't. The week we had broken up he apparently got into a fight with his best friend there and almost lost his pay for getting into an argument with a staff NCO. Also, and most importantly, he found out that he may be deployed again to Afghanistan, as early as February. He's supposed to get out of the Marines in August. After that part came out, he said that he didn't think it'd be fair to me, him being gone for another 6 or 7 months and hardly able to talk to me. That it'd be hard. I told him that he should have talked to me about it and given me an opportunity to have some input, and made him promise not to disappear on me again but to talk to me about things instead. We ended up kissing, and a couple nights later went on a 2 AM walk that ended up with me not getting him home until 8:30 AM because we spent the whole night together just having fun, kissing, talking, etc. Then yet again another late-night walk, and he came back to my house and we fell asleep in each others' arms.

Then he disappeared again.

I finally got him to talk to me again, and again I kissed him, and told him that I had to disappear for a while to protect my heart. That lasted all of 5 days...I couldn't do it anymore. It's too hard. So yesterday we met up, I gave him a letter I had written him, and we talked for a while. He had a hard time looking me in the eyes. He told me that he's going to talk to somebody when he goes back to NC because he's been pushing away everyone he cares about, and that he doesn't want to be around anyone but wants to be around everyone at the same time. He has trouble feeling emotionally attached to anyone (and normally he's a very loving, emotional, caring man). I cried silently for half of the time we were together, and then I dropped him off at the bus station and we had one of those lingering hugs an held each other close. I told him I'd miss him, and he said he'd miss me too. As of right now I don't know what the future holds. I asked him if I should give up hope, if I should just aim for friendship, if there's any possibility of a future...he didn't say no, just "I don't know, Liz. We'll see what the future brings."
I don't know what to do other than just be there for him, as whatever he needs me to be. I've talked to 2 of his best friends, one of them from home and one from the Marines, and asked them to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't lose too much of himself. I don't know what else to do. Half of me says to move on, but I have never loved anyone like I love him and I don't want to be with anyone else. The other half says to wait, because things will get better...but I don't know. I don't want to waste my time on something that will just hurt me. What's most important to me, though, is that he gets better because I know he's struggling with so much right now.

Does anyone have any insight on how this progresses? Will some time and space help? I'm so worried.

[jesshope]

SlyFawkes...I cried reading your story. it's so familiar to mine. email me at jesshope07@hotmail.com anytime to talk.

[Patience]

Our men and women have seen and done things that no one should have to see or do. And since they were volunteers, the did not expect the impact it would have on them.
Emotional numbing is a survivor skill. I can't feel the pain, and to stop it I have to feel nothing. But it comes back. Avoiding it perpetuates it.
At the same time they are looking back on behaviors and attitudes they had in combat and thinking "how could I have?" That is the result of our brain's ability to rapidly adapt to anything, so what was once difficult or horrifying, becomes everyday. Later it doesn't look that way, however.
One of my best friends came back from Vietnam, got into bed with his girlfriend, got up and left without having sex, and never contacted her again. It was years before he tried to be in a relationship again. Of course then there was no information on PTSD and no help.
Keeping in contact is good. You may be a lifeline. Give them space, give them information (Home from War on my website, http://www.patiencepress.com might help, or any of the stuff on the free stuff page) and give them attention when they need it. It is not easy, but with help and patience, things can work out. They did for me and Bob, but I wasted 20 or so years trying to fix him without knowing what the problem was or whose problem it was.