Need help NOW!!

[YBeach]

In serious need of some good advice. We've been married for just shy of 19 years. We've been at this military/deployment game for awhile. We've had many ups and downs. We've argued and screamed, we've loved and laughed. This is his 8th deployment to the land of sand. All was fine...or so I thought...until his last deployment. He saw and did things that can leave no man unchanged. When he returned, I and all those around us noticed a change in him. Depression being the one that stood out the most. But he was handling it. He wasn't about to get help though. Not with the stigma...go to mental health and talk and you end up with a nasty blemish on your record, promotion becomes difficult if possible at all, you are labelled. Given time...and no more deployments...and if I had educated myself then, he probably would have been just fine. But then came this deployment. Again, he is dealing with even more things that are taking their toll...sapping him. Add to that the impending retirement ceremony scheduled for only a month after he returns, the fact that we moved myself and child to a new location so I could start to pursue my career...in a location he never necessarily wanted to go.

About half way through this deployment, I and a few others noted a change. Communication less frequent, more clipped, more formal. Nearly 3 weeks ago, he would not call me at all and barely e-mailed. Sunday I received an e-mail that was a d-word shy of a dear Jane letter...telling me he has been thinking of this for years...he has no feelings left for me other than friendship...he wants to find what will make him happy...he wants to explore new things...but he wants to remain friends. This is a man who was very affectionate and involved despite even the depression he was feeling before he left. He was eager and excited about settling into our new home. Making plans. In love with the idea of being a Stay-At-Home Dad for awhile. Ready to start the "New Chapter" together. Suddenly he tells me he has been thinking of leaving for years now? It just does not add up. I have reached out to friends, even let a select few read the e-mails. All say the same thing as I. This just is NOT him. I've spoken to a few people who have a limited experience with PTSD and they also say it is PTSD or at least clincal depression.

If it was only the e-mails trying to convince me that he no longer loves me...I might come to believe that our marriage is over...for him. But there are other signs...depression from the last deployment, interactions with others, distancing.

Obviously, it is difficult for me to get past the hurt this is putting me through and focus on the root issue. I am researching all I can, trying to get friends in place to be there for him when he returns to the states, being as supportive as I possibly can without blaming him.

My dilemma that I cannot overcome on my own...how do I respond to him when he finally does call me? How do I respond to him when we finally meet again? How do we get him to realize he needs help and to seek it without pushing him...which could possibly push him further away from us?

With his impending retirement, he is job searching....contractor positions that will take him back over there. We don't have years to get him the help he needs. We have to get it to him NOW.

[Traci08]

I wish I could tell you there was an easy way for the man you've loved to go seek the help he desperately needs. But, sadly there isn't much you can do. This has to be his decision, when he's ready to face all of it. He has been deployed many times and yes, it is possible that with the very first deployment or the 2nd or quite possibly the 3rd, he thought about leaving you.

I cannot stress this enough, it has nothing to do with you. He has buried all his feelings so low beneath the surface he is incapable of feeling them. I know you don't hear much from him, but this is his way of protecting you and your family. He may not always feel it or rather not feel it at all. He most likely can't even say that he loves you, but his actions show otherwise. For someone being in the military for as long as he has the soldier in him will always be there. Right now he feels weak. He feels hurt and betrayed. He doesn't even recognize himself. My husband has PTSD and its been one roller coaster ride of emotion after another for the past 2 years. Some days I am ready to give up and other days, I just don't have it in me.

Your husband holds a lot of guilt. More so, than any of us can imagine. He feels ashamed, embarrassed, scared. He feels like a monster, a failure to you and your kid/s. It is an impossible task right now for him to have a normal relationship with anyone. Including himself. He's lost so much of himself, that he cannot recognize the man looking back at him in the mirror.

The only advice I can give you, is give him time and space. He is trying so desperately to fix himself, because he has no trust in anyone else to help. Remind him that you still care and that you still love him and how he feels is normal. He needs to know that you do not think any less of him not only as a soldier, but as a man as well. Patience is your best friend right now.

[hisgirl7477]

OH OP there's a lot going on here - ok to PTSD but also long times apart in 8 years, his retirement, etc. Take ptsd out of it and retirement is enough to set some of these guys off a little. Military feels safe and secure to them - leaving that has to be terrifying.

As for him getting help - he won't unless and until he's ready. You can set up all the apointments, etc. in the world - short of having him committed or going to his command and having them order him to get help, he won't until he is ready. So right now all you can do is help yourself.

This is VERY common, it happened to me, it happened to one of my best friends (also married for almost 20 years at the time), and its happened to dozens of other women I know. Here's what I've noticed that's worked and what didn't work... The women who fight them and chase after them and try to fix it (I was one of them) end up pushing them away, things are said and done that you can't fix a lot of the time out of anger from trying to force them to do something they don't want to do (happened to me). I get FURIOUS when people try to force me to do something I don't want to do - so I totally understand now why my Ex got furious with me for trying to force him to get help, to stick things out, etc. Do i like that he did that to me? NO - I'm ashamed of him in a lot of ways. But I can't force another person to do anything (unless they're my child).

Other women just say to their DH's "you know what fine, i'm not going to force you to want to be here, but if you're not going to be here then you are not here. no sex, no shoulder from me, no i won't pick up after you, take care of your bills, your house, etc. you want to be not married, fine. here's what its like" And i'd say 99% of the women I know who did that ended up back together with their DHs after seperation. I did that to my ex in the end... he's sloooowly coming back now. But those women didn't just take their DH's back - they said "NO you cannot come back unless..." Boundaries! And most of their DH's stuck to those boundaries and ended upt taking care of themselves. Its hard as hell, the hardest thing you'll ever do is telling your Dh you love him but the only way he can be with you is if x, y and z. But in the end it is so worth it.

So, my advice is stop focusing on him and focus on yourself cause this is going to hurt like hell. I got counseling, did A LOT of self help reading (not for ptsd but for me to be indepenedent, strong, and secure by myself), I joined Alanon (If you take the word "alcoholic" and change it to "ptsd sufferer" it really fits), I belong to an amazing site for vetwives whose DH's have ptsd (those ladies really changed my life), and I forced (i have to force myself every day) myself to let him have his problems.

I also suggest going here (If you haven't found Patience Mason's wrirtings already) www.patiencepress.com.

Deep down somewhere he does still love you and probably doesn't want this. But right now this is what he's saying he wants - I wish to GOD I had just given ex what he said he wanted the first time this came up years ago. But i'm also learning that looking back with regret is pointless. Anyway - maybe he was thinking this for years maybe he wasn't. Maybe he is just telling himself that cause it is the only way for him to make sense out of what he's feeling right now??? This last deployment my Ex told me he didn't want to be together b/c he didn't want me to be a maryter - I have NO IDEA where he got that idea. My point is, it doesn't matter why... your DH said it - please take care of yourself and your children.

HUGS!!!! Ohhhhhh I know how you're feeling and its so aweful. I'm so sorry!