VENT! VENT! VENT!

[Traci08]

As some of you know, I emailed my husband a while back asking him to divide our time with our son. To give me a break and get the things I need done. And to give my parents one too, since they watch him when I am working. His response was that he works and he sleeps a lot during the day, his parents work and when he isn't sleeping or working he is going to seminars and conferences and that he just doesn't have any time any more.

So, I took your advice and sent his dad an email asking if such a discussion took place. Here is the email. I am so livid right now, I can't see straight!

Dear Traci,

Thank you for asking for verification regarding that discussion. Indeed, it is important for you to understand that any "discussion" that Duane had with us was extremely brief and was very preliminary. In fact, we have been seeking a time to carefully and thoroughly discuss your proposal - I don't know when that will happen, as Duane's schedule keeps gyrating from one time slot to another with no predictability that we can identify. We spoke briefly today, and again identified this as something for which we all need to pin down a time within the next few days - we know you will want an answer soon.

So, in short . . . no thorough discussion has yet taken place, although a one- or two-minute dialogue did occur.

Your proposal had some easily-identified difficulties pop up for us when it was first mentioned. First, and already mentioned, is the unpredictability of Duane's schedule. If he were to agree to take Dietrich next week, for example, he wouldn't know until Tuesday what hours on Wednesday he would need assistance. And that would be repeated throughout the week. A sitter who would make herself available for such a schedule would be very hard to find.

Which brings us to the second difficulty that was immediately obvious to us: J****** and I cannot be Duane's babysitters - not with the kind of on-call availability described above, nor do we feel we can be full-time sitters. We have raised our children, and Dietrich is the responsibility of you and Duane, not the responsibility of Dietrich's grandparents. That J** and K******* are giving of their time to Dietrich is their (laudable) choice, but we do not feel we can make that same choice.

Am I correct in understanding that you still are not driving? If so, that creates yet another difficulty, as Duane would have to spend four hours driving every time he comes to pick up (and then return) Dietrich.

As with any proposal, difficulties are quickly seen, while solutions to those difficulties come more slowly.

We do want you to know that J****** and I wish to see Dietrich more often than we currently do, and we recognize that your request for a different arrangement has merits - we have counseled Duane that it deserves a thorough consideration. We will all discuss it within the next few days, and you should expect that Duane will get back to you with some ideas that can hopefully be made to work.

If I had to speculate as to how that discussion might turn out, I would suggest that MAYBE:

Duane can promise to try to take Dietrich for a certain number of days per month - I wouldn't guess what that number would be. And Duane probably won't be able to give a lot of notice as to when those days will be.

J****** and I can also promise to take Dietrich more often (we were even thinking of asking you if we could come to get Dietrich this Saturday afternoon and have him here for about 24 hours - this was something we were planning to ask before your email came).

And when Duane's work situation changes, you can expect that his ability to take Dietrich for longer periods will also change.

One other idea which would likely give you (and Joe) a break would be for Dietrich to be placed into Head Start or some sliding-scale (tuition depends on income) day care. That could immediately (as soon as it would start) provide care for him for a considerable fraction of the week, and some of these even provide transportation. It would also help Dietrich get a start on his schooling and help with socialization. If you would like our assistance in looking into this option, please let us know.

So we ask for your patience. And please let us know if we could pick Dietrich up on Saturday afternoon.

Take care,


I don't even know how to respond, I am that furious!

[hannahb]

omgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg so they dont like to see their grandchild?! WTFFFFFF

[jennypage]

Why are you furious? Those were all valid points, and it's not even the dad's problem.... it's his SONS problem, whom you married and chose to procreate with. You need to deal with him, and not expect his parents to take care of your child for you. They raised their kids, now you need to raise yours.

[Traci08]

Originally Posted by hannahb omgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg so they dont like to see their grandchild?! WTFFFFFF

Yeah, I have never gotten these people. They are always like this.

[Germanchick]

I get that it isn't their responsibility but this letter just sounds so business-like. but given your husband's PTSD issues do you think your son would be okay at his dad's? I think looking into daycare (not sure how old your ds is) would be best. I would ask your husband to help pay for it

[rosebud*]

Originally Posted by Germanchick I get that it isn't their responsibility but this letter just sounds so business-like. but given your husband's PTSD issues do you think your son would be okay at his dad's? I think looking into daycare (not sure how old your ds is) would be best. I would ask your husband to help pay for it

I agree. and please don't shoot me but I also agree with Jennypage.
from your previous posts it sounds as if you want his parents to take more of a baby sitting role rather than a fun grandparent roll. maybe offer them more time to see D, on their terms.
I know it can be frustrating, but honestly I would resign myself to the fact that D's father won't be a big influence in his life and make adjustments accordingly.

[Boog's one]

OP- im not very dialed into your situation as a whole, but may i ask if your proposed time share between you and your s/o going to be a permanent thing? or just till you finish doing what it is you need to get done?

[Traci08]

I understand that too. It is very business like. They are always like this. I think my husband can handle it. And yes, I am all for daycare. I would do that, but my work schedule puts me well into the evening at times. Daycare after 5 or 6 pm, isn't an option, because daycare's do not go past these times. I am upset that this was even open for discussion. Either they help out or they don't. I gave them an opportunity to be in his life, either take it or leave it. I am also very upset that I be patient! That part was laughable.

[faerielyght]

Originally Posted by Germanchick I get that it isn't their responsibility but this letter just sounds so business-like. but given your husband's PTSD issues do you think your son would be okay at his dad's? I think looking into daycare (not sure how old your ds is) would be best. I would ask your husband to help pay for it

I agree that what your in-laws are saying sounds more like a business transaction than interaction with the mother of their grandson. I can understand that PTSD is no small potatoes, but neither is your son's interaction with his father. It's important, as I can tell you understand. I would likely be upset as well, and feel as if I have been blown off.

I am sincerely hoping that your husband's schedule calms down soon, so that he can spend more time with your son and you can do what you need to do.

[Traci08]

Originally Posted by rosebud* I agree. and please don't shoot me but I also agree with Jennypage. from your previous posts it sounds as if you want his parents to take more of a baby sitting role rather than a fun grandparent roll. maybe offer them more time to see D, on their terms. I know it can be frustrating, but honestly I would resign myself to the fact that D's father won't be a big influence in his life and make adjustments accordingly.

No, I do not expect them to be babysitters. I expect them to be grandparents and involve themselves in his life. We have been back here living and they've come to see their grandson 3 times. It has ALWAYS been on their terms. And I cannot be faulted for where my husband currently lives. If they do not want to help out, fine. I'm just sick of the excuses they all give. I have come to terms that my husband won't be a part of our son's life very much. They all make it sound like this is more of a burden on them, than it is to getting to spend time with their grandson, whom they never see in the first place. I have offered them more time to see their grandson, I can't help it that they don't take it.