Im afraid I could hurt u

[pamela30]

Thats what my DH said.He was in Iraq and after that he was sent straight to Korea.So we didnt have too much time together before he left.We will join him in August hopefully and he told me today he is afraid he might explode.The doctor told him he is fine but there will always be things that could trigger his memory,He isnt taking medicine.He doesnt want me to worry or be scared of him but he is afraid something might happen and he could hurt me or someone else or he could just freeze.H e said he never hurt anyone,he never had flashbacks,just bad nightmares.So im asking u ladies because u know so much about it,could he really hurt me in any way?I know it wouldnt be intentionally but still could he do it?What if he would have a flashback?Do they happen only in their sleep?Whats the best way to behave when he has a flashback?Thank u so much for this.

[NDNatlGuardGF]

I don't have any personal experience with this, but a friend of mine just had to be careful in the way she woke her husband up. If she really startled him, he would actually wake up swinging at her.

It sounds to me more like your DH is affraid he'll do that because its happened to other people, not so much because its happening to him. It sounds like he's actually dealing with it all rather well, and maybe its catching him off guard and he's thinking it will all catch up to him eventually or something. Just reassure him that you'll be there for him no matter what and maybe offer to go to a couples counseling or something so that you can work through it together. It doesn't sound like you really have a lot to worry about, but when you get there I'd be sure to kinda keep an eye on him just in case.

[Traci08]

Originally Posted by pamela30 Thats what my DH said.He was in Iraq and after that he was sent straight to Korea.So we didnt have too much time together before he left.We will join him in August hopefully and he told me today he is afraid he might explode.The doctor told him he is fine but there will always be things that could trigger his memory,He isnt taking medicine.He doesnt want me to worry or be scared of him but he is afraid something might happen and he could hurt me or someone else or he could just freeze.H e said he never hurt anyone,he never had flashbacks,just bad nightmares.So im asking u ladies because u know so much about it,could he really hurt me in any way?I know it wouldnt be intentionally but still could he do it?What if he would have a flashback?Do they happen only in their sleep?Whats the best way to behave when he has a flashback?Thank u so much for this.

For one, I don't know why any doctor would tell him he's fine. He's not. He's acting normal, but he is definitely not fine. Yes, he is afraid he could hurt you. It may not be physically hurt you, but it can happen. He may be afraid that you'll 'catch' it. I have not dealt with my husbands flashbacks, but I know others have. You cannot stop a flashback from happening and you cannot 'wake' the person when they are having one. Get yourself out of harms way. Even if he's just screaming. This is a time where he's on defense, no need in putting you into it, when he could physically hurt you. They are very real to combat veterans as well as anyone with PTSD. What you need to do is observe. Observe his behavior when certain things happen. You can't stop them all but there are a few you can control. His dreams will haunt him. My husband dreams about it a lot and he even has night terrors and I've witnessed him having those. The best advice given in your situation, is to make patience your best friend. Read online about PTSD. I have posted many helpful articles about how PTSD effects the sufferers family. Talk to sufferers who are willing. They are the MOST helpful. Knowing that you are not alone, helps tremendously.

[hisgirl7477]

Ex said this to me a couple times. And he learned that when the rage comes up he just leaves - which can be hurtful too. But now at least I understand its not me.

Yes, they can have flashbacks any time of day. If it happens you'll know. And everyone is so very different its hard to say "do this" or that. Hopefully people share what works from them here and if you do start to experience them you can try different things.

What worked for us... When he was asleep, Id let him go unless he was starting to come after me. Then i'd try to wake him up by getting out of bed and kind of tugging on his feet (so i'm out of range). I also had the rule no weapons anywhere in the bedroom. Period. He used to sneak a knife in between the box spring and mattress, i'd sneak it out. LOL. Some people feel that any violence is violence and shoudl not be tolerated. I fall in the group that feels that when he's flalshing back violence is normal - he's fighting for his life in his head, so he's gonna punch and shoot and throw things -he can't help it, in my opinion. So I just accepted that and we came up with our own thing that worked for the ifs and whens.

While he was awake... I also let him go. I learned from Patience that letting him feel and experience what he's feeling is fine. I dont' like it when people tell me to stop expereiencing or feeling, so why would he? But if he started to hit his boiling point, that point where i knew he might hurt himself or someone else, we found that it was ok if i just calmly and sweetly approached him and said "honey, its me. I'm here, you're ok, you're here" and i touched him - like his face or arm or something - and usually he'd snap back. I only had to do this a few times. Usually just letting him go was fine. And let me tell you some of the most bizarre things happened then, but over time it didn't scare me and I knew how to predict what was safe and not safe.

Its healthy I think that your DH is sharing how he feels with you like this. It means he's open to communicating about it. He'll learn what feels comfortable for himself in time.

[pamela30]

Thank u so much for your replies.I have the feeling he is more scared then me because he keeps saying he doesnt know how he could act and he doesnt know what could trigger his memories.Its that uncertainty that scares him.He kept asking if im scared of him now that i know all this and i said no,but its good to talk about it so i know how to react.But i have to admit i was trying to iamgine the flashbacks and i was wondering what if he just chokes me in my sleep.I dont have the physical strength to defend myself.Am i overreacting?And how do i react if he has a flashback when we r out?He asked me if i think he is a monster because he might hurt me.He is feeling really guilty thinking about that.I told him to take it one step at a time and if it would happen,i would know its not on purpose and we would deal with it then.Talking about it made him feel sick to his stomach and scared.Could this be 1 of the triggers?Just talking about it?Thank u again so much ladies.

[hisgirl7477]

Well, I never just talk abotu it with Ex. I only ever talk about it if he brings it up first, because it is one of his triggers. He feels insane. When I try to talk to him about his ptsd (without him bringing it up first) to him its like i'm verifying that he's insane. PTSD is not insanity - its a normal response to trauma. Its what kept them alive in war. But its hard for them to see it like that until they've dealt with it a little. So my suggestion is don't bring it up unless he talks about it. And then try really hard to just listen and validate what he is saying he feels. ASk him how you can help him. With my ex if I offer unsolicited advice, he gets mad.

As for the flashbacks I can only tell you what ex's are like (I don't have flashbacks with my non combat ptsd). When he sleeps I know when its coming on. Its never been just out of the blue something bad happens. He starts screaming in his sleep first. I'm a light sleeper so just him talking wakes me up. Then i know to be on guard and I kind of just wait and watch. He's kicked and stuff a little but that's about it - only once or twice he's kicked enough for me to wake him up by his feet. One time he jumpped up and threw pillows (i.e. granades) at me. I woke him up then (was afraid he'd throw something else). He's kind of sleep walked before but nothing violent like. Usually for us the night terrors are much more night sweats, holding onto me for dear life - to the point that if i get up to go to the bathroom he'll hold me down and cry in his sleep and beg me not to leave - i just whisper I'm goign to the bathroom, i love him and will be right back and he's ok - never wakes up but that seems to calm him.

While he's awake, now he's done bizarre things while he's awake. He's come into the bedroom after i've been asleep for a couple hours and insisted that I eat something he's made. ANd he talked to me like i was someone else at that moment. He was flashing back then. He's had moments of paranoid dillusions when he's thought people are out to get him. But when he asks me about what i think I can always reason him out of that. He's done the whole parameter clearing thing while mumbling things i can't make out (talking to his buddies) and I just let him go with that. He's acted out what i can only imagine are things that have happened to him but only at home and without weapons so i just let it go and hug him when its over. I caught him in his full kit sleeping on the living room floor once... that was interesting. I let him sleep as long as I could (i needed to know he was ok that time so I admit i woke him up when I prob. should have let him lie).

So my point is in my personal experience not once has anythign happened that's made me fear for my own personal safety (well other than knives in the bedroom - that was a HUGE no no for us). It isn't like that for him. And the ONE time I saw him triggered bad enough to hurt someone (not me), he walked out of hte house (removed himself from this person) and didn't come back for a couple days - which was fine.

Hopefully someone else here can tell you if they've experienced physical violence in a flashback and help with how to handle that. I've never had that experience.

How does your DH flashback now - when he's not at home? Has he physically lashed out on someone? HOw he's reacting now might be the best determinante for how he'll react at home.

[Traci08]

Your first sentence is like exactly what goes on with my husband. I wrote him another email and I told him in it that I knew it would trigger him. I don't normally talk about his ptsd, but I am just so completely angry I had to talk about it. I even admitted to him that I've seen and heard his night terrors. And I told him, I was never afraid. That I let him have it and when he calmed down enough to fall back to sleep, so to speak, that I went right back to lying next to him. I did talk about how I was angry that our son visiting was up for discussion. It isn't a discussion. It isn't a let me ask my parents if its okay discussion. That is controlling and I won't stand for it. I haven't heard back and I'm sure I never will, but he'll read it and know. I also mentioned, as I always do, that he is normal, his reaction is normal even when he doesn't feel normal. I know everyone thinks I'm absolutely bat-**** crazy for even writing such an email, but it was something I have inside me for awhile now, that I felt I needed to get out in the open. Once I did, I felt a relief!

I told him just how much I wanted to get to know him. That yes, I grieved for the man he once was, but I was more than happy to meet the man he has become. I'm proud that he stands up for peoples' rights. I am glad that he is getting involved and finding new people that he relates with. I told him that I know that we couldn't ever pick up where we left off before he deployed, but that doesn't mean we couldn't have started over. I told him, that when he feels that its too much for him, to let me know. I'd rather be told than to be left hanging, when I am ignored. Because that makes my mind wander and that we both know what road I go down when that happens. And I told him that he could tell me a thousand times a day that he isn't with someone else and I'd believe him. But, when he does ignore me, it is hard to keep that part at bay. I offered my friendship for now. I told him we can take baby steps toward him letting me back in his life. But, the ignoring and avoiding finally has to stop. If he's going to explode over the fact that I tell him my feelings and what I am thinking. Then his actions to thinking these things, MUST stop.

[pamela30]

Thats the point,he never had flashbacks,he didnt hurt anyone,just some bad nightmares,waking up in cold sweat.And this is what scares him,not knowing how he could react,what he could do,what could trigger his memories.He keeps repeating he doesnt want to hurt me.I told him we will deal with it IF it will happen so that calmed him down a bit.I just dont understand and excuse my ignorance:r there several levels on ptsd?Could he have a mild type of ptsd?Again excuse my ignorance.

[NDNatlGuardGF]

Originally Posted by pamela30 Thats the point,he never had flashbacks,he didnt hurt anyone,just some bad nightmares,waking up in cold sweat.And this is what scares him,not knowing how he could react,what he could do,what could trigger his memories.He keeps repeating he doesnt want to hurt me.I told him we will deal with it IF it will happen so that calmed him down a bit.I just dont understand and excuse my ignorance:r there several levels on ptsd?Could he have a mild type of ptsd?Again excuse my ignorance.

There are definately different levels of PTSD. I don't know if they will diagnose a person in different levels, but I know there definately are. When DB got back last time, he said he had a couple of nightmares but that was it. For him it was the jumpiness, not liking it when someone would walk up behind him, and being in crowded places. That was all he experienced that time. He's starting to worry about this time, like your husband, though because its been a LOT more active than the last deployment and he's seen a lot more things.

When I was talking about my friend's husband, for him it was very different. At first he would wake up in a panic and look for his gun because he always slept with it under his pillow. My Friend had to calm him down ad dexplain that he was back home now and then he was fine. As far as swinging at her when he was being woken up, that was kind of a special case. He was injured and got a shrapnel wound on one side of his face in country. It was nothing life threatening so he was never sent home, but thats a definate trigger for him. She can kiss him on the other side of his face to wake him up and he'll be fine, but one night she made the mistake of kissing him on the wrong side and he punched her in the throat. In the morning when she told him what happened he felt terrible because he didn't remember it at all. His case was different though, and obviously that reaction was avoidable if she just watched out for what she was doing.

Don't freak out too much until there is a reason to. For now it sounds like he's more affraid of what could happen than actually afflicted with PTSD. Not saying he won't have some issues, but as long as you're willing to stand by him and support him, I think it'll be alright. You're already on a positive road because he's talking to you about it and he's initiating the conversations. Thats usually the hardest part with these guys.

[hisgirl7477]

Originally Posted by pamela30 Thats the point,he never had flashbacks,he didnt hurt anyone,just some bad nightmares,waking up in cold sweat.And this is what scares him,not knowing how he could react,what he could do,what could trigger his memories.He keeps repeating he doesnt want to hurt me.I told him we will deal with it IF it will happen so that calmed him down a bit.I just dont understand and excuse my ignorance:r there several levels on ptsd?Could he have a mild type of ptsd?Again excuse my ignorance.

Yes to what NDNatlGuard said.

Sounds like he's just anxious over the "what ifs". All you can do is listen and tell him you'll cross that bridge if you have to. For now, there doesn't seem to be any reason for you to worry about your own safety so try not to dwell on it too much.

And yes, PTSD is never the same for any two people. The human mind is very complex ptsd exhibits differently for everyone. So just because my Ex has flashbacks sometimes doesn't mean the next person with PTSD will (for example, I have primary ptsd and i don't flashback).

I think its best to kind of read up on ptsd a little if your worried, but only to feel more in control for yourself. But don't throw your DH in the flashback symptom category just yet.