BACK to antidepressants (and destructive behavior, as a warning)

[kiwijus]

I ran out of antidepressants after my first 10 days, and missed my follow up. I decided taking them wasn't work the risk to an unborn baby, and although I'm not taking Clomid this month or next, there's still obviously always the chance of pregnancy if I'm not on birth control (which, IN MY MARRIAGE, I don't believe in, especially before the first child.)

So, I stopped taking the Prozac after day 10, even though it was making a positive difference. I thought I was really handling things well, you know? Learning to cope without the medicine. I thought maybe all I needed was just that little hormone boost to get "better" from my PTSD.

Dh and I got into a fight a couple of nights ago and he said I'm not the woman he loved, nor am I the woman he married, any more, and that I didn't understand him, or what he was about. When I argued back, he said, "Is this the kind of mother you're going to be? Always snapping?"

Talk about a foot through the ribcage.

So, as of right now, we're not TTC, but not preventing. I don't think I'm going to start Clomid again in August unless things change.

Then, due to things I won't talk about in public (sorry), two nights ago I started cutting myself again. Well, technically, scratching myself, because I used the end of a paper clip to score my skin, but it broke the skin. Anyways, self destruction. I called the suicide line, and the woman told me to get in a fight (:eyeroll) so I hung up on that call before I did something I regretted, and ended up talking to someone on here.

Last night, I sat there counting sleeping pills, wondering how many it would take to kill me. DH found me and took them away. I didn't want to take them, but counting them helps (in a purely destructive way) and I'm sure that, left alone long enough, I would have talked myself into it. It's sick how much I love the idea of taking pills to make the hurt go away, but I won't take aspirin for a headache. As it was, I took four sleeping pills the other night, to escape the pain. I've also started drinking again, although not to great excess. I'm also dying to smoke.

So, I have another appointment today. Not with MY doctor, but whatever it takes to get me medicated again. Supposedly a medicated wife is the woman DH married. I'm pissed that I need these pills. I hate them.

[*Kim*]

So sorry you are going through all this but I sincerely hope you get the help you need whatever that may be. I really wish I knew what else to say.

[Germanchick]

I am always just a pm away. I won't say that I know how you feel because I don't. But I can understand your husband's side. Being on medication does not make you less of a person. Some people need medication for problems with their thyroids, others have hypertension etc. They need the medication to help them function to the best of their abilities.

[Traci08]

Originally Posted by Germanchick I am always just a pm away. I won't say that I know how you feel because I don't. But I can understand your husband's side. Being on medication does not make you less of a person. Some people need medication for problems with their thyroids, others have hypertension etc. They need the medication to help them function to the best of their abilities.

Agreed.

[hisgirl7477]

Originally Posted by Germanchick I am always just a pm away. I won't say that I know how you feel because I don't. But I can understand your husband's side. Being on medication does not make you less of a person. Some people need medication for problems with their thyroids, others have hypertension etc. They need the medication to help them function to the best of their abilities.

totally agree.

Medication isn't a thing against you at all. I need mine to keep my cool. Its just like Germanchick said - some take pills for high blood pressure, I take mine for my triggers - helps me get through them.

Also, do you have a counselor? I'd suggest you go talk to him/her. Just so you have a lifeline (what the heck was that woman on the suicide line talking about???)

Your husband loves you I'm sure. My ex said that exact same thing to me when I was at my worst. He didn't mean he didn't love me, he meant he didn't like the drama I was causing when he knew it could be controled with medication and therapy. I don't see anything wrong with my ex wanting that - its what I want from him now.

Hugs! I know how hard it is... feels like you never get a step closer to "normal" but every little thing you do (like coming here to vent) will bring you one step closer.

[jennypage]

Are you sure you want to bring a baby into a situation where you are depressed- at BEST- and suicidal? Are you sure that getting off your meds because of the possibility of a baby is your best choice? It sounds like you might need to reevaluate where you are at right now.

[Capt.Obvious]

You can PM me anytime. I meant it. Anytime. I was on medication for over a year, and I decided back in December that it couldn't be making that much of a difference, so I stopped taking it. It made a HUGE difference. I started getting self destructive thoughts. I realized that you can't just stop taking it. My doctor told me that with anti depressants, the more you start and stop them, the more resistance your brain develops to them, making it harder for them to work when you start them back up again.

I have been exactly where you are right now, so if you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm just a PM away.

[amazinggrace]

I'm very sorry that you are in the situation you are.

There is no shame in needing or taking medicine. Many people need daily medication for all sorts of issues. Yours is no diffrent. There is an inbalance. Something in your body is off, so you take a medication that can make it right again, or better. SInce you are seeing a new dr. you can also talk to them about TTC and not preventing, so they can give you a Rx that is compatable with pregnancy, just in case.

You are a strong woman, a woman of faith, of generosity, and love. If the medicine helps you be that more fully there can't be anything wrong with it.

[fxybmx05]

Originally Posted by jennypage Are you sure you want to bring a baby into a situation where you are depressed- at BEST- and suicidal? Are you sure that getting off your meds because of the possibility of a baby is your best choice? It sounds like you might need to reevaluate where you are at right now.

ITA

[Victoria]

Originally Posted by jennypage Are you sure you want to bring a baby into a situation where you are depressed- at BEST- and suicidal? Are you sure that getting off your meds because of the possibility of a baby is your best choice? It sounds like you might need to reevaluate where you are at right now.

I fear that PPD could effect you in a severe manner...

Why not prevent now, until your marriage is more stable and YOU are mentally balanced?