The acceptance and beginning of dealing

[R.D.'s<3Doll]

I haven't been on SOS much lately, since DB came back to WA and not dealing with deployment prep anymore, and then got busy with school, work and maintain our LD relationship. In the past few months and even more in the past few weeks, I have realized that there are things that people not associated with the military do not understand.

When I met DB, he was preparing to deploy on a dangerous mission to Afghanistan for about 12 months. I had been informed by him and guys in his company that he had been through some pretty bad things during his last 3 deployments (2 to Iraq, 1 to Afghanistan). DB would not talk about it, and at one point told me that I would never hear about it so not to ask. I had been trying to get him to open up to me. I have been through a couple traumatic events myself: I was involved in a very serious semi-truck accident with my father when I was 10 (I am the only survivor). 15 minutes after going to bed, I woke up to find we had been in accident and my father was dead. I also battled cervical cancer for 2 years. I knew from my experiences not to push, but tried to let him know I was there and had somewhat of an understanding.

As some of you might have read, DB broke his arm about 9 months ago. Shouldn't have been a big deal, but the attempt to heal the break only caused more damage. He has severe nerve damage, which the doctors still do not have a clear idea of what will help his pain level, or correct the damage. He is on a massive amount of mediciation daily, which worries me that he still drives and they allow him to carry a weapon.

Earlier this year, 2 members of the team he was to be on were killed (including his replacement), 1 was seriously injured. At that point, he began telling me he was having flashbacks and bad dreams, but still refused to talk about it; so I was at a loss for what to do or say. A change in medication made these dreams more frequent, and that is when he started telling me all about it. More than I think I am supposed to know about what happened, but just let him talk because he obviously needs to get it out. He finally admits (this was huge for him) that he believes he has PTSD, but thinks it is a "cop out" and doesn't want to go talk to anyone. I know it is one step at a time, but kind of frustrating.

Some days he is so hard to deal with; some days he is so sweet. Sometimes so distant; and then opens up and tells me that he had prepared himself to go to Afghanistan and not come back (he felt it was his time, this time), but when he broke his arm and he realized he had something to live for and there was a reason he was sent back to WA: me. I have on some days been fed up and ready to leave and be done with it; my sister and her husband (who both served in the Guard), and Kayla have reminded me that this isn't deliberate on his part. Other friends just say things like "I don't know how you put up with it. You are stronger than that", which reminded me of the difference of understanding.

Currently we are having a week that he doesn't feel like talking much, partially due to the new mediciation that knocks him out within about 30-60 minutes of taking it. When I questioned him about what was up (it was pretty abrupt this time around), he said he knew he was distant and begged me to bear with him through this, he needed me, and promised that if he continued to feel dazed and reclusive due to his meds for much longer he would get it changed.

I am committed to helping him and making our relationship work. I'm hoping for the support, ability to support others dealing with PTSD, and get to know some of the members better (I have been absent for about 8 months). I feel better getting this all out. I appreciate any thoughts, suggestions, etc.

[hisgirl7477]

Aweeee I'm so sorry!!! Your story sounds sooooo famliar! Its like I could have written parts of it. Is he through training and about to deploy? If so... brace yourself. Its a very stressful time for them. It can trigger their ptsd. Just know he can't help it!

There are a lot of great resources out there for you to start this journey with loving a ptsd vet. I know I felt better once I learned a little about it, more about how I can cope (there's a lot of writings on how to help them, but not much for us!!!), and started talking to other women in my shoes. A great place to start is with Patience Mason's writings - her Post Traumatic Gazetts are like my combat ptsd Bibles. www.patiencepress.com - she's a member here too.

It is hard. The rollercoaster gets exhausting. But if you learn how to communicate with him, how to keep yourself happy and fulfilled and kind of change your expectations it can be soooo rewarding. I know many women in wonderful marriages with ptsd affected vets. You can do this!

Oh and I would do some research on meds and ptsd. There are some meds out there that are NOT good for people with ptsd. And unfortunately the VA just doesn't seem to care or has incompetent drs. or whatever... so they perscribe them to our guys. Just know that certain meds don't mix well with ptsd.

[R.D.'s<3Doll]

Thank you for your words! Good idea: I think I need to do some research on his meds.

DB is done with pre-deployment; he was training at Ft. Riley and then broke his arm. They didn't cast him for 2 weeks, which caused ligament damage; in order to stablize the ligaments they put a pin through his wrist and caused nerve damage. He underwent a couple surgeries and then it was decided he was not able to deploy with his arm. He was sent back to Ft. Lewis in November. Oh my, I can't believe he has already been home that long. He was pretty upset about not deploying.

[hisgirl7477]

Oh wow! That is horrible about his arm. But honestly, it might have been a blessing in a weird way. They've done studies that show that redeploying with ptsd is very harmful for most. But I imagine he's dealing with a lot of hurt and guilt over that - they carry their brothers lives in their hearts don't they?

Are they trying to fix what they did to his arm? Oh I hope so!!! Dealing with pain every day must be so frustrating for him. I'm sure he just wants to do his job, and now he can't like he used to.

Yeah look into the meds. When ex first started exhibiting the stupid va gave him terrible counseling (it was aweful and b/c of that I couldn't get him back there cause he always thought it was pointless) then they gave him xanax. Well, he was never suicidal before the xanax, but once he was on that it was like not only did i we the ptsd to deal with but this horribly sad, depressed, suicidal man. I did some research and found out how horrible xanax is for them. I showed him the articles I'd found and he threw them out thank god! after a few days he went back to just mr. ptsd. LOL. its funny to phrase it like that. I love mr. ptsd nowr - its Mr. Ptsd on alcohol or drugs I cannot tollerate.

You hang in there! Hugs!

[R.D.'s<3Doll]

Thank you again!

Yeah, they are trying to fix his arm, but not much progress is being made.