TOO MUCH! I Just Can't!

[AngelWings76]

This is an extremely long post, but I hope you read it through. I am in desperate need of some advice! This is my second attempt to post it! I wrote it before and the system kicked me out and I lost the entire post! ARGGH!!!

I am new to the site, but have been reading you guy’s posts for months now. I wish I could hug every one of you amazing girls! Your displays of love and devotion to these men are nothing short of phenomenal! Well here's my story.

I met a great guy online this past August. We chatted online while he was deployed in Iraq. About a month and a half after we started chatting, he came to the states for his 2 week leave. We met face to face then and it was instant chemistry. We hit it off great! I spent about 3 days with him and he took me to his hometown where I met his entire family (minus the children of course) and had an amazing time. We were intimate and compatible in most ways. He opened up to me about his life and me to him about mine, and it had all the makings of a great relationship. He told me he hadn't been in a serious relationship in 9 years, but that he felt making a commitment to me was something wanted and was ready to do. I was head over heels for him already kind of like a love at first sight thing, and was ready to be committed. He had 6 months left to complete his 3rd deployment, and then he would be home.

Now let me make one thing clear. We are far from kids, he is 37 and I am 33. I am a professional woman from NY and he is a career soldier with 19 years under his belt recently being promoted to SFC. I say that so you understand we are adults making what I thought were very sound decisions together. We both left the same day him back to Iraq and me back to NY. We chatted online EVERY day, and he called at least very other day. He was the best! Flowers, gifts, fruit baskets the works! Every week or so it was a new surprise. He even walked me through my breast reconstruction surgery having his mom call and check on me because she had undergone the same operation. We opened a joint account together and even were looking at house to purchase when he returned home. We weren't playing house, we were building a foundation so I thought.

There was nothing he wouldn't do for me or me for him. We were very generous with each other, but more so me to him because I was able. Whatever his heart desired I made it happen no questions asked and he did his part of making me feel cared for as well. Things were awesome while he was there. And then it was time to come home. Well of course I’m excited getting ready for him to return can't wait to see him and thinking he feels the same way. We agreed I’d come about 4 days after he arrived, because it would be the weekend and he had some reintegration training etc. I was going to stay for 3 days, but I changed my mind the last day of the trip and extended my stay an additional 3 days. He seemed fine with it, and didn't make any mention of it until later when the drama started.

While I was there he seemed fine. His normal funny, articulate self. We made love everyday quite often and he seemed to be glad to see me. The day came when I was to go back home and all was well. He was leaving to go on his two week leave that next day, and was going to visit his family and friends and then was supposed to come to NY to meet mine. Well here's where things get tricky. I ordered him a motorcycle trailer and there was a mix up with something’s so the order was delayed two weeks. He went through the roof! Why I didn’t tell him, I was hiding things from him, I didn't tell him the truth I mean all kind of stuff flew out of his mouth. I was outdone! After all the other things that I had delivered as promised he had the nerve to go off like that? It didn't even sound like the same man. So I just tried to let it go and after he calmed down, he apologized and explained to me I should have told him and not let him find out last. OK I took that one, but then it got deep.

After that incident I was waiting for him to come to NY and meet my family. He never came. he kept saying I’m coming, I’m coming and never came. By now he had been to see all his family, hung out with his biker friends, spent time with everyone imaginable and just acted like it was o big deal. Needless to say I was devastated. Here I am standing by you all these months and you don't even have the respect to honor your word to me? Now I have a problem. I asked him did he want to take a break from our relationship. His first response was be careful what you ask for, and I persisted. Do you want to take a break? And he said fine, we're on break! Now apparently our definitions of “break” were completely different because after that day I didn't here from him for a week! When he finally picked up the phone, he was a complete A%$hole! He said "you asked for a break so I gave you one. Now you got what you asked for and you regret it tough".

I was devastated. Was he for real? I called his mom and she said just give him some time. Time was all I had given him already! And he needed some more? Oh please. Then he started to get annoyed by my calls and would be rude and hurtful to me. I tried to stop calling, but I felt so disrespected I felt like I was owed an answer. Especially since this was done over the damned phone! He stopped answering my calls altogether. Then he went away with his motorcycle club to Miami Beach and the whole time he was gone I was sick as a dog. The thought of him with another woman sickened me. I waited until I thought he was home to call and I asked him what was going on. Were we coming off this "break" or what and he let me know that we were not only still on a "break" but that in his mind we were broken up and he met some girl in a bar and screwed her. OK was that enough for me? No, not yet. Still trying to make sense of this, I begged him to meet me so we could talk.

My birthday was that next week and could he come so we could talk. He said possibly. I waited all the way up until the day of my birthday for him to call. I finally break down and call him only to be greeted his rudeness again. "I'm not coming" he said. I lost it! I started crying like a child I mean sobbing like a baby. I was pleading with him not to do this to me, not to embarrass me in front of my friends, family and colleagues. He didn't budge he said I have my friend over now and she can hear you crying so stop embarrassing yourself. I was outdone! I said there's someone else already and she's there with you? He said yeah and she's giving me some head right now too! That drove me completely over the edge. I hung up and curled up in a ball like a baby. My cousin who came up from Atlanta literally had to pry me out of bed and dress me, do my hair and make up and almost drug me to sit through my party. Halfway through my thank you speech I started hysterically crying and they took me home! Happy Birthday to me!

After that I was through I made up in my mind this had less to with PTSD and more to do with him just being a user, liar and *******! I had some things I purchased for him along with the vacation tickets he purchased back in January for a trip for July. My plans was put them in a box and completely act like the last 7 months never happened. Then I get a text. Didn't mean to hurt you, sorry things didn't work out; I really was alone that day and only said that so you would get off the phone. There is no one else and there will never be after you. Did I believe any of that? NOPE! But I still loved him and I had to be honest with myself about that.

I text him back that we needed to talk face to face. He said he can't. It's too hard for him to see me cry knowing what he had and was putting through. That was unacceptable so I waited a s long as I could. I got on a plane to VA and called him from the airport that following week. When he answered the phone he was livid! He said "This is what I mean, your so pushy and need your own way!" I let him know on no uncertain terms was I leaving without speaking to him. Then he does the unspeakable. He has some woman call me and tell me she is his new girlfriend and why would I get on plane when he said not too? I let her have it! And told her if she was any kind of woman to come with him to the airport!

By this time he figured out I was not playing and knew he had to man up. He then called me back and said I will meet you tomorrow. It was late and I was tired. So checked into a hotel and we agreed to the next day. The next day we were supposed meet that morning, but I was tired and asked to meet later. He agreed and I kept him waiting two hours in that airport before I showed up. Needless to say he sat there until I got there and we talked. At first I was going to scream and show out, u when I saw him he looked different. No the same guy I knew. So I let him speak first. He said first of all that was one of my soldiers I put up to making that call. There is no other woman. I didn't know what else to do to make you stop and leave me alone, but I see it didn't work. He said that I was wonderful, brilliant blah, blah, blah, but that I was too driven, too demanding, i placed ultimatums on him and he didn't like feeling controlled. I asked why he never said any of this before and he said he didn't know. He even went so far as to put his hand on a bible I carry in person and swore he never cheated on me while were together.

I told him the lack of respect and the childish games were not cute and they hurt me to my soul. I felt devalued and almost in human. He said I gave him hope and vision, and the I was the reason he went back to school and was taking a different approach to his life. He apologized for making me have to go to this extreme and he hoped we could be friends. He hoped that one day we would find our way back to each other after he had grown as a person. I felt I had gotten what I came for. Respect! I said all I needed to say to him and thanked him for meeting me and waiting until I got there. By this time my flight was canceled and I had to stay another night. So he drove me to a hotel and paid for my stay. he made sure I had a way back to the airport the next morning. When we got to my room I asked him to stay and he hugged me tight and kissed my cheek and said "That will f&$#ck us both up! I'm going home."

I felt rejected and figured he was going to home to screw whoever back on his base, but I was too drained to cry or care. The next morning as I’m boarding the plane, I get a text that reads "And for the record you looked good as hell yesterday!" I don't know why he sent it, but whatever. I got what I came for and I was going back to NY with my peace of mind! That was all on a Tuesday, that Friday about 9pm I get a text from him. He says" I just got the package and I want to say thank you! You didn't have to do that. You are the bigger person." I forgot that prior to my visit I had mailed all that stuff to him at his mom's house. He was visiting his daughter for her birthday and opened it only to see that in spite of his mistreatment, I still had integrity and chose to be honorable. I left the notes in the boxes because I meant them when I wrote them. I also include our vacation tickets for him to do whatever with.

I text him back "No problem God knows what's best." He then says "Truth is i don't deserve a woman like you. You’re too good to be true." I said "God has the last say and I wish him peace and happiness in spite of my hurt." He then does the ultimate mind screw by saying “You’re the best I ever had." Well I was done after that. I told him Thank you and he was the best I ever had too. I felt at peace and then I thought about that damned vacation I sent back. I figured while the nice one was around try and get it back. So I waited a few days and explained to him I still wanted to go and if he hadn't canceled them or made plans to take someone else, could I have them back.

Fine he said. He actually called me back this time for the first time in God knows how long. And says no problem I’ll put them in the mail to you and change the hotel reservation so you can go. Now this is the missing part. He gave me this trip back in January as gift when I was sick. When we first fell out, he still wanted to go as friends. I flatly refused because it was a load of crap to me. He then in turn told me he would switch the hotel in my name because as at that point every hotel in town was booked solid. This "I’ll fix it thing" went on for two months until I sent him the tickets back. Now fast forward to today. He express mailed me the tickets for the concert no problem, he fixed my flight and canceled his leaving from NY but was able to not have a penalty because of his military orders or something, but he still has yet to change the hotel.

When I asked for the tickets back I offered him the option of still attending with me, and his response was that he couldn't because his orders have in TX July 1st, and he had planned for his oldest daughter to travel with him. He then added "I would love to have gone with you which is why I was asking you before, but Maybe when I get settled in TX you can come and we can do something. They have horses out there. (I ride.)"

So I was fine with that and ready to go alone, only problem is as of TODAY after numerous phone calls and texts he keeps saying he'll change it, but hasn't done it. It's a five minute phone call and for some reason he just won't make it. I asked him again the other day when he called me about the flight changes etc, was he able to go, and he said he would look at changing a few things around and see if he could go, but at that time it was still up in the air. When I called him yesterday he said he was working on coming, but that he would change the hotel for me. As of today nothing!

I called him this morning at about 9am, and he says "I’m on leave and your waking me up so early. i said sorry to disturb you, but I was checking to see if it was done. I am scheduled to leave next Friday and I need it done. He says Shut up please, I know when you leave, I made the reservation! I said I’d do it. He rambled something about the time difference and then I reminded Orbitz is 24 hours a day and it's a five minute call. He apologized and said I’ll fix it.

Should I just forget about it, or is this his way of telling me he's coming without telling me? Should I even go if he goes? Or is this his last attempt at trying to hold onto something connected to me? After this I have no need or reason to even speak to him, and don't intend too, but after all I went through last year and this year with the cancer, I deserve this trip! Ladies what say you? Is this PTSD or just dumbassitis! Is he trying to just be my friend or is he trying to rekindle something?

[RunAwayLove]

it sounds more like controliing *******ness then PTSD but i have no clue...

[~*~Katie~*~]

GIRRRRLLLL You have one hell of a mess on your hands don't you! I honestly don't know what is going on. All I know is I woulda been OUT a long ass time ago. Regardless of how I felt about him. You should only take so much sweetie. I think he is just being a complete and utter ass.

Now if he is going on this trip and he is trying to surprise you and meet up with you....In my opinion I would be kinda weirded out. Why wouldn't he just say that?

He is super hard to read and I see why you are having problems with him. In my opinion I would have to just walk away. Take it as a learning experience and know that God uses all types of things to help us grow and learn.

A man that is meant for you will LOVE you, RESPECT you, and HONOR you regardless of wither or not you deserve it at the time. I hope you find a man that will treat you right. I think honestly PTSD is just a lame excuse in this situation, but if you think it might be that why don't you encourage him to get help? Or atleast tell his mama so she can get him some help.


Either way I know this is hard as hell for you Keep your head up and know that you WILL find the right man, in the right time.

[AngelWings76]

Thanks girl! I am just outdone! This kind of stuff makes a sista just want to say forget dating! The thing is why not just switch the damn room if you mailed me back the concert tickets? Well at any rate thanks for your take on it. I think I just need to bail. Forget the trip and keep it moving.

[~*~Katie~*~]

Originally Posted by AngelWings76 Thanks girl! I am just outdone! This kind of stuff makes a sista just want to say forget dating! The thing is why not just switch the damn room if you mailed me back the concert tickets? Well at any rate thanks for your take on it. I think I just need to bail. Forget the trip and keep it moving.

Honestly I think that would be best. I would also stop answering his texts. Kinda makes it seem like you are there at his beck and call and he doesn't have to be there for yours. Kinda up if you ask me. Men can be such pricks


I had an ex do that to me too, but he did it with another girl AT THE SAME TIME. I bounced on his ass so fast he didn't know what hit him. Funny thing though, he moved to DC where I live...he was in HAWAII girl. Why is he facebooking me ALL the freaking time asking me to come chill with him....WACK.

[Germanchick]

Sounds to me as if he was enjoying all the things you did and bought for him while he was gone and now that he is back he'd rather have his freedom. I'm not a specialist by any means but this doesn't sound like PTSD to me. IMO it's time to cut your loses and to move on.

[hisgirl7477]

I've been madly in love with a ptsd vet for 4 years now, this doesn't sound like ptsd to me, this sounds like a jerk. And if it is ptsd... ptsd (or ANYTHIG for that matter) is just an explination, not an excuse. You DESERVE much more than this. I don't care if he has the worst case of ptsd ever... I wouldn't stay through this... its not fair to you. You're not married (I used to hate when people would say that to me, but its true) so the only thing keeping you there is a promise you made to a liar and to yourself outside the commitment of marriage. And you owe yourself more than this... You might be mad for me saying that but I thank god for the women who said it to me when I went through hell with my vet.

I am soooooooo sorry! This really sucks. You sound loving and giving - go find a man who deserves it.

Unfortunately there are people like this out there... I call them leeches... they will take and take and take, and when you stop giving they'll come running back until you give again. YOU DESERVE MORE!!!

My advice (and its just advice, I don't know what I would do) is move on, cry some, hurt a lot, take steps forward, but try really hard not to look back. Use it as a learning experience - give love only when deserved (I had to learn that too... so I know how hard it is) and build a happy life for yourself. The best advice I ever got was that living a happy, fulfilled, beautiful life is the best revenge.

I'm so very very sorry!

[R.D.'s<3Doll]

Originally Posted by hisgirl7477 I've been madly in love with a ptsd vet for 4 years now, this doesn't sound like ptsd to me, this sounds like a jerk. And if it is ptsd... ptsd (or ANYTHIG for that matter) is just an explination, not an excuse. You DESERVE much more than this. I don't care if he has the worst case of ptsd ever... I wouldn't stay through this... its not fair to you. You're not married (I used to hate when people would say that to me, but its true) so the only thing keeping you there is a promise you made to a liar and to yourself outside the commitment of marriage. And you owe yourself more than this... You might be mad for me saying that but I thank god for the women who said it to me when I went through hell with my vet. I am soooooooo sorry! This really sucks. You sound loving and giving - go find a man who deserves it. Unfortunately there are people like this out there... I call them leeches... they will take and take and take, and when you stop giving they'll come running back until you give again. YOU DESERVE MORE!!! My advice (and its just advice, I don't know what I would do) is move on, cry some, hurt a lot, take steps forward, but try really hard not to look back. Use it as a learning experience - give love only when deserved (I had to learn that too... so I know how hard it is) and build a happy life for yourself. The best advice I ever got was that living a happy, fulfilled, beautiful life is the best revenge. I'm so very very sorry!

I am really sorry too hun! It doesn't really sound like PTSD to me either, but I hope you can find peace and happiness. And if it is that big of a deal, just change the reservations yourself because he is obviously not going to. Cut out drama where you can.