I got my first glimpse...

[brittris]

...at how this is affecting my father in public. I never realized how much crowds bothered him since he's been diagnosed with PTSD until we were eating out for his birthday. He had to sit in a spot where he could see the people coming through the door. I didn't realize at first that it had anything to do with his PTSD until I watched his eyes scanning the room like crazy. As people move around, his attention is focused on them 100%. When going out to breakfast at IHOP the next morning, a large group of people was sat behind us, and the way his eyes were moving and watching his face, I'm surprised he didn't freak out right there.

He told us that he feels people are "coming at him", even when they're not, and that's why it bothers him so much. I never realized it was that bad...I never even realized that was an issue until this weekend. It seems like it's getting so bad that even going to the grocery store is hard for him.

Is there anything we can do to help relax him in public places? Now that we know why it bothers him and the fact that it even bothers him at all, I'd like to be able to do something to help him relax a little bit, if I can. It just scared me seeing my father so hypervigilant (sp?) around people he didn't know in a public place.

[Traci08]

There really isn't anything you can do when he is out in public. He will always feel this way, if he doesn't get help. My husband does the same thing. He doesn't feel safe in public places even if he is sitting facing the door. I first noticed this when we went to eat at the cheesecake factory in Seattle. He watched everyone come in. And when he saw something that seemed out of place (like two people dressed up for prom) he wouldn't stop questioning it till he was told that a local high school was having a winter formal. You can't control how he feels in public, because you can't control the people around you. Its like their dreams, they are triggers and he can't control those either.

[USCsemperfi]

I do the same thing.
DH says "Why do you do that?!"
I can't sit behind someone I have to be able to see everyone!
It's frustrating for me and for DH.

There's not a lot you can do.

[brittris]

I just wish there were some way I could help him feel more relaxed and less hypervigilant when he is out in public. Now that I know how he feels in public places around people he doesn't know, I find myself noticing it all the time, and it definitely makes the adjustment harder. But I'm hoping his therapist can give him some tips...I know it will take time, regardless.

[Britt]

My husband does 4 count breathing when he's in public. Breathe in, 2, 3, 4, hold it, out, 2, 3, 4. He also does a grounding technique - he stares at something and in his head, he describes it. This is a pen, it has a clear tube, it is blue ink, the tip is gold, etc. It helps him get out of "that" feeling, and back into the present.

When all else fails, he takes a Lorazapam (sp?).

[Britt]

Progressive Muscle Relaxation is also OK. I've even used it to help fall asleep.

Here's some info: http://www.guidetopsychology.com/pmr.htm

Since my husband is in public, and can't really do his whole body, he just concentrates on his hands, because they are usually the first thing to subconsciously react.

[hisgirl7477]

OP when I'm with Ex or any of my veteran friends who have PTSD in public I always let them sit down first. They'll automatically go to where they feel more comfortable. I don't mention it, I don't make an issue of it, its just something I do.

I also ask when making plans that involve things I know are going to be public. I don't say "why" i'm asking, but I always ask if they'd like to come. If they say no, I don't ask questions, and I don't push it - I just go alone or find a friend to go with me.

They can't help it. Sometimes it gets better the longer the time is from the trauma. If your dad is really open to talking about ptsd you can ask him how you can help him feel more comfortable. But if he's not an open talker about it (took ex and me 2 years to get to the point that I could ask), you kind of have to go by what you learn over time. I kept a journal of sorts and learned my Ex's triggers - the kinds of crowds he was ok with, the kinds he's not.

You're doing soooooooo much by even asking and wanting to help and loving. Its beautiful!

[MadamMedic]

maybe just try smaller places first? easier to readjust if there isnt as much going on? to you and your family

[Patience]

A lot of good ideas on this thread. breathing and grounding both bring you back into the present. Letting them pick where to sit is great. I also suggest two cars, so someone can leave if they have to and you can stay.
One of the biggest problems in having a relationship with a vet with PTSD is that we want to make it all better and we can't. They have to work through it themselves which often means getting very angry at what happened to them and their buddies and feeling a whole lot of pain and guilt and shame. If we try to take that away to make them feel better, it stops the healing, yet it is what most of us were brought up to do: "Don't feel bad/sad/mad, honey! It's all right!"
When you say that you are shutting him/her up and closing off avenues of healing.
I also believe that after someone has been to war, there are some things he or she simply cannot do. It is respectful to understand and accept that.
My husband can go more places than he used to, but I do not push him, and although he has volunteered to come hear nme speak every year at the Vietnam and all Veterans Reunion in Melbourne Florida, this year it was at the same time as the Sun N, Fun Fly-In in Lakeland, so he went to that and I went to the Reunion by myself, gave a talk (Recovering from the War) Saturday at 3:30, and another (The War at Home) on Sunday at 10:30 AM. It was so much more peaceful for me with him not there (he just has PTSD: he doesn't like to hear about it) that I told him he should stay home next year. It was like a dark cloud had been lifted which makes me realize how hard it is for him to go to that.
Restaurants are hard not only because of all the people but because all the people HAVEN"T A CLUE, and are living life like nothing was happening while on the other side of the world, people are dying, being wounded, etc. We are not on a war footing at home and that makes coming back harder for the new vets.
And the war is very triggering for the old vets who do know what war is like and feel for their brothers in this war.

[daniellexo]

Originally Posted by brittris ...at how this is affecting my father in public. I never realized how much crowds bothered him since he's been diagnosed with PTSD until we were eating out for his birthday. He had to sit in a spot where he could see the people coming through the door. I didn't realize at first that it had anything to do with his PTSD until I watched his eyes scanning the room like crazy. As people move around, his attention is focused on them 100%. When going out to breakfast at IHOP the next morning, a large group of people was sat behind us, and the way his eyes were moving and watching his face, I'm surprised he didn't freak out right there. He told us that he feels people are "coming at him", even when they're not, and that's why it bothers him so much. I never realized it was that bad...I never even realized that was an issue until this weekend. It seems like it's getting so bad that even going to the grocery store is hard for him. Is there anything we can do to help relax him in public places? Now that we know why it bothers him and the fact that it even bothers him at all, I'd like to be able to do something to help him relax a little bit, if I can. It just scared me seeing my father so hypervigilant (sp?) around people he didn't know in a public place.

My DH does the same thing. Except for the fact that he can't sit in the parking lot anymore alone. The last time he was waiting for his parents to come out from finishing up eating their dinners, there were cars speeding by him and all the closed in space, he ended up calling me in tears bc he couldn't take it anymore. I knew right then and there that his life wasnt going to be the same anymore for him in a parking lot. I felt so bad for him (I wasn't down at the base at the time) and I couldn't do anything for him but listen/reassure him and that killed me! My hubs has a mental health appt here very soon for his PTSD. It's getting bad again and we don't need a repeat of him freaking out in the middle of the night and doing things he regrets doing again. I hope you father gets better with time. I'm for him! This is a very difficult and touchy subject to talk about, I know.