Do you ever feel strange..

[kiwijus]

Talking about your PTSD, or your s/o's, and having people see the "normal" side of them (or you?)

I always feel like when I post here, I say "Always" too much. Like, "I'm ALWAYS angry!" I'm not always angry. A lot of times PTSD doesn't control my life. A lot of times I barely know it's there. It's just when I can't walk outside after dark after a late movie without my friend holding my hand and putting an arm around my shoulders, that I hate PTSD so much.

Or when I can't be around water, or when I get angry at my sewing machine and almost do damage to my wall.

I feel like people look at my posts, or my demeanor when I'm happy (or faking it) and go, "The hell she has PTSD. She's faking it."

And.. yeah. I don't know why that bothers me so much, but it does. I don't know how I can go from so up to so down, either.

[OneIllWife]

I know because of what DH has been through with his deployments he would be classified as PTSD...I'm not sure that my experience (which I won't go into right now...It's just a lot of long stories...) would classify me that way, but I have been told by a counselor or two that I DO have an anxiety disorder related to these issues...Most people can readily see that though, and some treat me like I should just "get over it"...

I guess to me it's like a LOT of things...I KNOW that people who haven't been through things that DH has been through, and the things we've been through together, aren't going to "get it"...So, it doesn't surprise me at all when they don't. KWIM? If they seem to be making the effort to understand, I am MORE than happy to help them do so...If not, I write it off and move on. I have my own life to live and issues to work on. I can't waste my life worrying about what others think. Don't let it get you down or make you uncomfortable. When it comes down to it, you have to care about you, love you, and do what you need to do to make yourself healthy and happy.

That all being said...I'm not exactly sure what your situation is, but if you ever need an ear I'm here for you. I would be totally unbiased and definitely wouldn't treat you like you were making anything up. I know how frustrating that can be. Feel free to PM me.

[StarryEyes]

Kiwi, again i have to say that i love reading your posts. You are a great help to this section, trust me. You really are opening our eyes; those of us who are with someone who has ptsd..or possible undiagnosed ptsd. Thanks for all that you share, seriously...and please continue. It's brilliant that you can share so much. Don't ever feel like you're over eggagerating with your posts. You are entitled to say what you feel and you are allowed to feel the way you do.

As for people i talk to about my ex db and his possible ptsd: Those that i have shared things with, or vented to, or discussed with; if i feel negativity, i don't discuss it with them. Those who show concern or those who actually pay attention, i discuss with them. The way i feel is, if a person isn't educated about it, or doesn't have enough knowledge on ptsd, they cannot understand what the sufferer is going through or what the carer is going through. I feel like a person cannot relate unless they themselves are going through it with someone, or they themselves have ptsd.

Some friends of mine have told me that my ex is full of crap and that i need to let go and move on. Some have told me he's probably cheating on me (when we were still together), and that he's probably moved on and with a new woman and that's why he doesn't pay attention to me now either. Things like that really put me in a negative spot, i become depressed, i become sad and angry. I feel all sorts of emotions. Just this week somebody said the meanest thing to me about my ex and how he doesn't care for me and he's stringing me along as a fall back because he's "b*nging" someone else. I was so mad, angry, upset, hurt...i didn't know who i was for 2 days straight. The tension and stress i felt was unbelievable. I started to have doubts, i gave myself the biggest migraine for 2 days, it was horrible.

A lot of the times i turn to friends when i'm down or wanting to discuss this, it's only because i want to vent. It's not even that i want advice, i just want someone to listen to me, and hear me. It's just a release i need every so often. More often i vent and release to some of the great friends i've made from this section because they can understand me. I don't turn to my real friends much anymore...they can't understand or feel what i feel. It's not the same. I've even had a friend tell me she thinks her bf has ptsd just because they fight!! She compared her situation to mine, and that just royally pissed me off....and she still doesn't get it!

Like OneIllWife said, if someone makes the effort to listen and actually tries to understand the situation and learn what ptsd is...those are the ones i trust to speak to, because not only do they care about me as their close friend, but they have concern for me and my relationship with my ex db. Those who don't make the effort or just seem ignorant..i don't attempt to discuss things again. And friends who ask for updates on my situation with my ex, because they're just nosey; well they get a one sentence summary and that's it. I don't say much else. Because they're not listening to what is actually going on, they only hear what they want to hear.

Just like how a person with ptsd has to be selective about who they trust, we too as carers are the same way. It's difficult to know who we can actually trust and talk to about all of this. It's a very sensitive topic and situation...and i've become extremely protective of my ex even though things are the way they are right now. Anyone who tells me that ptsd is bs, or that he's faking it...well...they feel my wrath. And those people are just ignorant as*holes.

[kiwijus]

The thing is with PTSD and cheating:

PTSD takes a hugely emotional and turbulent time and wraps your whole life around it. Your whole day is filled with a wide range of emotions you don't feel like you can control, so to protect yourself, your brain naturally desensitizes you.

There were, and are, days I look at my husband and KNOW I should feel something. I know I used to feel something when I looked at him. I know that when he says I love you, it should mean something to me, and I should readily say it back. Sometimes it hits me like a 2 ton barrel that I DO love him, and that I always will, and how much I appreciate his standing by my side.

However, I have a friend who's been through PTSD, and when he explains how he felt right after he was diagnosed, it's like he's reading the pages of my heart. I cling to his friendship more than I cling to my DH's love sometimes, and it's been a struggle for us, because I would rather spend time with my friend, who "gets" me, than DH. He knows how badly I need physical contact; how that's the only thing that will lead me back into this world when I'm lost in fear. DH was so hurt, so many times, and believe me, I made a few mistakes, and it's taken everything I have sometimes not to say, "**** it. I'm letting go of what I know I used to feel, and living for the moment" and cheating on DH. He knows this, and I haven't cheated on him, but come close.

It took me learning to stay away from my friend when I'm hurting and lost, and him actually showing DH how to stroke my arms or back and explaining why I need it, before we've reached the point where I'm comfortable falling in bed next to DH at night. Now instead of laying rigid in bed, knowing I should want to be there, I curl into him, and most of the time, he'll rub my arms and that physical connection brings us together emotionally.

A lot of people with PTSD can only handle the physical, but they want the sex rougher, harsher, like a release for all of their feelings, in an action that commands all of your senses. That's why people cheat, I think. My husband has to rest, he has to work. When I'm left alone to think, I want to escape my mind, and I have to find a physical activity, and I want someone to just hold me.

I don't know. I might be a bad wife for admitting half of this, but it's honest, and DH knows all of it. He knows I'm trying and we're learning together, and I'm going to all of my appointments even though I hate reliving this, redoing this, seeing the doctor, being trapped within a disease. I want to deny it - he's making me face it, and sometimes I truly would cheat on him just to piss him off the way he pisses me off making me go to these appointments I hate, but I know in my heart he wants me to get help, and I know in my heart that I should love him, even if I don't feel like it in the heat of the moment.

It's hard for people to understand that sometimes cheating has nothing to do with real life. He might ACTUALLY have cheated on you, but it's not because of you, it's because, at least for me, my demented mind thinks this is the only solution to get away from the pain. It's better than drugs or alcohol, although I've been sorely tempted to check those out, too. (I haven't, but it's by sheer force of will and fear of what the Air Force would do to my husband.)

This is why so many relationships don't survive PTSD. I could never ASK my husband to stay with me, knowing I have to try to love him. Knowing I've kissed someone else, but come home and told him, in tears, that I knew it was wrong. Knowing that I let myself get manipulated into doing much more than I was comfortable by someone who was drunk, because I didn't feel like I had it in me to take on another struggle. Knowing that I blow up at him for playing with the dogs, and then for not paying enough attention to them, or that I ask him to comfort me, but shut down on him when he offers me chocolate.

I can't ask him to stay. I've offered him a no-questions-asked divorce. He keeps promising that he'll be there, and I've learned to cling to that as much as my friend's steadfast understanding and friendship. I can tell you though, your ex appreciates your friendship. He's not screwing you around or dragging you out, at least if he's anything like me, he's not. This is a constant aching struggle, and you can only hope someone will understand long enough to see you through, and that it won't kill you if they let go. You can't hold it against them, sometimes the person with PTSD initiates the divorces, pushes away, lets go, to prevent getting to where DH and I are, where I'm having to ask him forgiveness for hurting him. I hope any of this makes sense, or helps someone understand.