I don't want DH to give up on me.

[kiwijus]

I'm trying to hide so much of this from him. The nightmares, the blinding rages over nothing, the fear, the anxiety.

I'm so afraid he's going to go, "She's ****ed up" and walk away from me. It's not even about the accident any more. I'm scared of EVERYTHING. I'm mad about everything. I had someone try to intimidate me into having sex with him, and I got so anxious and scared I kept doing things he'd tell me to. I said no, so many times I said no, but he'd ask again and again, right in my face, "Just this. Just that. Do it. Do it. DO IT!" I even said, "Please don't make me.." but he kept taking my hands and putting them where he wanted them, and saying, "Just this, just that. Do it." (We didn't have sex, but it got raunchy and bad) I didn't pursue legal action against him because I don't want to think about it any more. I want to boil my body in water and keep it away from men forever, except DH.

It took me four days to tell DH. He keeps saying he understands, he's mad at the guy, not me. I'm not. I ****ing hate myself. I should have been stronger. I should have said no. Now I'm afraid of being raped. I'm never volunteering to drive drunks around again. ****ers. I want to puke. This is worse than the ****ing accident.

I want this to be over.

[USCsemperfi]

I know exactly what you are going through. I was diagnosed with PTSD this year due to some childhood happenings. Everything just hit me when I was 21 years old out of the clear blue.

The point is that what you are feeling is normal. Maybe you should seek some counseling. Be careful not to push your SO away. I was so lucky that my DF stuck firmly beside me throughout the worst of it. You'll always have thoughts and anxiety and fear and much much much more. You can beat it though. I know you can.

[kiwijus]

Originally Posted by USCsemperfi I know exactly what you are going through. I was diagnosed with PTSD this year due to some childhood happenings. Everything just hit me when I was 21 years old out of the clear blue. The point is that what you are feeling is normal. Maybe you should seek some counseling. Be careful not to push your SO away. I was so lucky that my DF stuck firmly beside me throughout the worst of it. You'll always have thoughts and anxiety and fear and much much much more. You can beat it though. I know you can.

He came in the other day right after I got mad at my sewing machine. He missed it, but I ripped my iron out of the wall, hit my machine, and tore the fabric I was working with. When he found me, I was panting, covered in bed, and told him to get the **** away. That I didn't want him any more, and that I should have drowned.

I don't know why I say stuff like that, but he waited, and waited, and was patient, and kissed me when I would let him, and he finally wheedled the story out of me of why I was upset with the sewing machine, and eventually, about the sexual assault.

I don't want him to give up. He's the reason I keep going to appointments. He's the reason I'm trying to get better. I haven't gotten to a point where I think I'm worth fighting for, but he is, and I love him.

I hope he's able to stand by through this. I'm doing everything I can to remind him I love him when I'm capable, but when I lose it and tell him to **** off, how many times will it take before he does?

I'm so afraid of losing him..

[Marley]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Have you heard of EDMR? Here is a link: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/emdr_therapy.htm I think it might really help you. In conjunction with talk therapy and the like. Hang in there.

[redhead_navygf]

I believe if you continue to work on this and you communicate your struggle to him that you can get over this together. As long as he knows you care deeply for him, appreciate that he's there and that you are trying to get over this he'll stay. Besides, he's already stuck with you through this whole thing so it's obvious he truly cares for you. Just hang in there girl

[USCsemperfi]

I got to the point where I didn't feel like I loved anyone. I wanted him to leave, I wouldn't have cared. I wished he would leave. I didn't want him to love me, I didn't love him.

Then I got help. I am so glad he didn't give up on me. So glad.

[StarryEyes]

OP, your dh loves you and has stuck by you through all of this so far. Like some have suggested, if you continue to share with him your thoughts, your emotions, your feelings, anything you feel comfortable with letting out...he will understand you ten times better than he already does. I believe it could really bring you and your husband to an even closer level, if that's even possible!!

You're doing a wonderful job of keeping him by your side, and he sees your pain and your hurt, and with the communication you keep with him...he will continue to stay. I think it's brilliant that you can say you still love him, and that you want him around. I understand that you want him to go far away at times, but want to pull him close at times. I'm sure he understands your emotions...the patience with you shows he cares and loves you a huge deal and is willing to rough this out with you. He loves you!!

Continue with the open communication and sharing if you can...he will appreciate that from you. You will make it through this, you're a strong woman...we are here for you!!

[StarryEyes]

Originally Posted by USCsemperfi I got to the point where I didn't feel like I loved anyone. I wanted him to leave, I wouldn't have cared. I wished he would leave. I didn't want him to love me, I didn't love him. Then I got help. I am so glad he didn't give up on me. So glad.

You know what? Even though you are the one with ptsd out of your relationship and are a female, it's extremely encouraging to read your post in regards to our men out there who are going through this.

Thanks for writing that, and same goes to the OP. It's so great to know that we, the signficant other, are appreciated and that y'all are happy that we never gave up on you.

There have been times where i've wanted to give up, but always ended up staying by my ex db's side. It's such a battle for us who care, and most of the time, we don't get to hear how much our men appreciate us and our patience. So thank you both for showing us women here that we are appreciated as partners!!!

Really!!! *HUGS*

[USCsemperfi]

Originally Posted by StarryEyes You know what? Even though you are the one with ptsd out of your relationship and are a female, it's extremely encouraging to read your post in regards to our men out there who are going through this. Thanks for writing that, and same goes to the OP. It's so great to know that we, the signficant other, are appreciated and that y'all are happy that we never gave up on you. There have been times where i've wanted to give up, but always ended up staying by my ex db's side. It's such a battle for us who care, and most of the time, we don't get to hear how much our men appreciate us and our patience. So thank you both for showing us women here that we are appreciated as partners!!! Really!!! *HUGS*

You're welcome.
Just hang in there.

[USCsemperfi]

Originally Posted by kiwijus He came in the other day right after I got mad at my sewing machine. He missed it, but I ripped my iron out of the wall, hit my machine, and tore the fabric I was working with. When he found me, I was panting, covered in bed, and told him to get the **** away. That I didn't want him any more, and that I should have drowned. I don't know why I say stuff like that, but he waited, and waited, and was patient, and kissed me when I would let him, and he finally wheedled the story out of me of why I was upset with the sewing machine, and eventually, about the sexual assault. I don't want him to give up. He's the reason I keep going to appointments. He's the reason I'm trying to get better. I haven't gotten to a point where I think I'm worth fighting for, but he is, and I love him. I hope he's able to stand by through this. I'm doing everything I can to remind him I love him when I'm capable, but when I lose it and tell him to **** off, how many times will it take before he does? I'm so afraid of losing him..

You are worth fighting for. Everyone is worth fighting for.