Just could be it...

[missingmyman]

I feel like my marriage could now be over....

If uve read my posts in the past, you know I've been seperated for almost 4 months now. my husband has ptsd from being a medic in the ER in iraq. since he has left it has been a ROLLERCOASTER! He loves me, he's blowing me off. he want it to work out, he's not sure it will.

well he blew me off again 2 weeks ago after the best weekend together since we split. then he broke plans. then i invited him over a few days later and answered the door in a maid outfit (he was grinning from ear to ear). that night, he held my hands and looked me in the eyes and told me he just wants me to love him and he wants us to work out. tears welled up in his eyes and it just made me melt. then 2 days later, we got into it about us splitting up and finances. because we got into that, he broke plans with me and went out of town for the weekend, which is famous for partying. then he calls me 5 days later, wants to see me. i told him i had plans the following day. he says call me when u have time for me.
well, i got to the party (my plans) it's all couples. I leave about 9 pm. i call him and he is at a hotel party, drinking too much to leave. then he precedes to tell me he's got to get off the phone because he is being "rude to the people at the party." i was like "you'd rather be rude to ur wife?" he said he had to go. i called him (like an idiot) afterwards and he didn't pick up/call back. then last tuesday (4 days later) he texted me twice, once saying he missed me. then he called me wednesday and left a message saying "i know ur probably ignoring me. im sorry for everything. out of all the bad ive done, ur the best. i love u and ur family. call me when u get a chance." i listened to that message 15 times that day. i didn't call. i couldn't call. i am so mad at him. he has disrespected out marriage so much. there is no way he hasn't been cheating. i just dont think theres any way. he is putting himself in awful positions and i am tired of him what seems like testing our marriage. i have been very devoted, still havent been with anyone else. i grieve for us all the time but am getting soooo numb. i just don't see how this could ever get better. OR how i could ever trust him again. i can't believe him when he says he wants to be with me bc he's going out partying and spending all "our" savings up while i am working 6 days a week to afford the apartment we used to share. (all our $ is seperate, including all of his earning while he was in iraq, which have been pretty much used up).

so yesterday, 2 days after his call, i get the whim to call him. he is my husband. he did sound so sad, like he was crying on the phone. (me ignoring his call was the first time i have ever done that since we met 3 1/2 years ago). i called, he didn't pick up. i left a message "Hey. it's me. i got ur message, just took a couple days to call back. gimme a call."

needless to say, i've not heard a word from him. so now, im thinking of him more..... i do have a lot going on and am doing a good job being good to me. i made all a's in grad school. my relationships with friends are good. been doing more for me. registered for a test to get me certified (in teaching) in another area. BUT i'm still married and it just doesnt feel like it. and it makes me sad, anytime i am alone......

[lovely]

I wish I had something to encourage you right now Its totally not that you are the one who get treated like that and I wish who would no longer through this rollercoaster .

[Loves Her SPC]

time will tell what happens. we be here for you darlin

[louisa85]

[hisgirl7477]

ohhhhhh the rollercoaster. I know it well...

My question for you is do you want to be married to him? I'm finding that it helps me if I ask myself what I want whenever ex is being ambivalant like that. Then I work off of what I can control and make myself happy from there.

I know 4 months feels like forever, but in the ptsd time table its really not. It can take years for this to settle down. When ex first started with this bullsh*t I was working in my heart off of day and week time tables. Taking a step back and changing my expectations of his recovery to years helped me a lot.

Hang in there!!!! It sounds like you're devloping awesome coping skills! That is really good! HUUUGS! I know how much this hurts.

[jessi01]

I'm sorry girl, I know it's hard. It's been 10 months for me and that feels like forever. I wish I could give some good advice, but right now I have none so I can only offer cyber hugs. My marriage was destroyed by all of this, but I hope yours will survive it.

[missingmyman]

Thanks so much for sharing!! It helps to hear from other people in my situation.

So update! This morning, 3 days since my call, my husband calls me, asking how i was doing. We went out to breakfast. it was very nice. light hearted. he asked if i wanted to do another meal sometime. i said yes.
my heart is swelling right now. hes taking things slow and it makes me think he is trying to build on trust a little.

my head is saying that i need to talk about things. but when i see him i just feel so good.
guess ill just go with the flow....

[hisgirl7477]

Ohhh I'm so glad he called and you got breakfast! I think im entering starting over phase (second time... grrrr) with ex now too and that's my plan - to just go with the flow. To not look at him as ex DF but to look at him as any other guy i'm juuuust starting to date. Help me get trust back in him and him with me.

But yeay for a good day for you! Makes me smile.

[StarryEyes]

Originally Posted by missingmyman Thanks so much for sharing!! It helps to hear from other people in my situation. So update! This morning, 3 days since my call, my husband calls me, asking how i was doing. We went out to breakfast. it was very nice. light hearted. he asked if i wanted to do another meal sometime. i said yes. my heart is swelling right now. hes taking things slow and it makes me think he is trying to build on trust a little. my head is saying that i need to talk about things. but when i see him i just feel so good. guess ill just go with the flow....

Ohhh, i'm so happy for you!!!! Yayyyy, that's great news!!! Yes, baby steps is key, for sure! It's great that he's asking for a second meal with you...it shows he's definitely trying with you! You're doing a great job of being so strong through all of this!! *HUGSSSSSS*

Keep us updated!!

[missingmyman]

You all are so sweet and supportive. I don't know what i would've done through deployment and all the problems w/him returning, without this site and you all.

thanks so much!!