My diagnosis :(

[kiwijus]

I have Acute Stress Disorder, which is the precursor to PTSD. By the 1st of June, if I'm not miraculously "healed", it will be upgraded to PTSD from the accident.

I'm relieved, and worried. I'm still mad all the time, and really desensitized. I'm not usually aware of what's going on around me, and I don't have a lot of feelings any more, except anxiety and anger.

I'm frustrated, because when I called to make an appointment with my PCM for medication, they said he won't be available until the 8th. (Which a long time to wait, here, especially when you're constantly jittery and afraid.)

I have mood swings that are getting worse, and I'm super sensitive to things. My dog brushed her nose past me, and the cold wet sensation scared me so much that I kicked her out of the house. I wasn't mean about it (well, I yelled at her, but I didn't hit her or anything) but I still felt so bad, and got mad at myself.

I don't feel like I love DH any more. I don't like "dealing" with my friends (being around people has become a burden - I'm a HUGE social butterfly so it's a big change), and I haven't talked to my mom but once or twice in the past few weeks (I usually call her every day.)

So, that's where I stand. I'll probably be spending a lot of time in this forum, if that's ok. Hopefully people here can help me, help me get through it, and help me understand how this is affecting my husband, too. I know he's hurting bad. I had a breakthrough moment this morning, where it hit me like a **** ton of bricks that I LOVED this man, and I needed him in my life, and I cried and apologized for how mean I was. By the time he left for work, I was back to not caring if he was around or not.

Another thing that I told my dr was that I constantly wanted to be caressed and cuddled and held, and have sex, but mostly for the rush, and honestly I don't care WHO does it, I just want someone to hold me.

PLEASE don't judge me for that, ok? I'm a good wife. I've curbed all of these feelings and haven't acted on them, except when I am around my friends, and I am able to be in a group, I'm a lot more cuddly, which is kind of the way our group has always been. I'm really lucky, but I also have to make sure I pay attention to DH as well; even though I don't care who's hugging me, I always make sure I'm hugging him, more out of respect for our marriage and his feelings than the fact that I actually care..

I feel like a bad wife. I feel weak for not being able to snap out of it. It takes a lot of hard thought to come to a conclusion about whether I still love DH, but any mention of cold water and I'm drowing again. (I can feel water breaking over my back even now, and I'm shaking from the cold as I type.)

It's going to be a long, LONG road.

I still haven't told my mom about this. She won't believe me, and she'll tell me to snap out of it, which I can't handle hearing.

I don't know what I'm going to do when I go home in July for the month. Thank God DH is going too. When I think about being without him, I panic. That's how I keep telling myself I still must love him. Besides, I know I do, I just don't feel it any more. I don't feel love for anybody. I barely FEEL at all.

http://psyweb.com/Mdisord/AnxietyDis/asd.jsp

That's what I have. I have almost every single symptom with the sole exception of dissociative amnesia.

[TheBryTree]

I lub you kiwi

[Steph*]

[Armywifey804]

Im sorry you have to go through this honey.
Just stay strong, and do the best you can.
If you ever need to just talk my PM box is always open.
Ill keep you in my thoughts

[Loretta]

I'm here for you, love. I'm so sorry they aren't helping you in a timely manner, how frustrating

[jessi01]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I would never judge you and what you said actually helped me understand how my husband who has PTSD can feel like he doesn't love me anymore. I hope that you get the help you need and deserve. If you ever want to vent or talk, I know you don't really know me, but I will always listen.

[kiwijus]

Originally Posted by jessi01 I'm sorry you are going through this. I would never judge you and what you said actually helped me understand how my husband who has PTSD can feel like he doesn't love me anymore. I hope that you get the help you need and deserve. If you ever want to vent or talk, I know you don't really know me, but I will always listen.

If I help ANYONE by posting this stuff out, I'll have done what I needed to. Thank you SO much for telling me that, and for offering to talk. I appreciate it a LOT. (And the offer is open, if you want to talk to me, too.)

[kiwijus]

I'm SO mood swing-y today though! Earlier when the forums didn't work right for me, I almost threw my computer down and cried. Literally. Then I logged onto firefox and it worked, and now I'm all upbeat again. That's all it takes, like handing a kid a popsicle.

It's perplexing.

[NocturneSiren]

Kiwi, I have long been an admirer of yours. I hope that you're innate tenacity has kicked in, and you fight this war and win it! If you need back-up, lemme know.

[hisgirl7477]

Oh Kiwi I am soooooo sorry! I have primary ptsd so I know how you're feeling, and it sucks!!! BUT it can get better. I'm about 5/6 years after my incidents. I've gone to doctors, had therapy, medication, a few wonderful support sites (funny but a lot of the healing process for me was getting info on my ex's ptsd... maybe that was the purpose of him?), alanon, and amazing amazing amazing friends and family. And today, I'm ok. Still have ptsd, always will, but I'm ok. And you will be someday too, and taking the huuuuuge step of going to the doctor and starting the process, omg that's half the battle. Took me 3 years to get to that point.

Only other thing I have to say is just ignore people who say "get over it" and try not to take it personally. These days I feel very happy for those people. They obviously haven't lived through a helish moment/experience and so they don't know what we do - good for them! I wish the same was true for us, but its not. They just don't understand.