Question on post-deployment and breakups

[lbuconn]

First of all, hi I just discovered these forums and I love them!

My boyfriend of 6 and 1/2 years is in the army (actually just discharged for completing his 4 year term and now thinking about possibly reinlisting) and just got back from Iraq in January. When we saw each other for that first month, everything was fine. He was on leave actually and had to go back to Texas for about a month a half and is now officially home since the beginning of April.

My question for all of you is, is it normal for people to breakup after this? Especially because everything was fine between us, even better than its ever been and all we've been looking forward to for four years is his coming home? He just told me one day, out of the blue, that he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't have the same feelings towards me as he did before. I went to see him last weekend and he opened up a lot of about Iraq and such, our relationship over the past four years, and he did say that he still has strong feelings for me and wants to take me back but needs some time, which I am gladly giving him. But I just wanted to know if things will resolve or if I should just let him go? I can't decide if he needs me/wants me around anymore? Anyone feel like this with their significant others?

Thanks!

[MySuperMayo]

I haven't heard of this happening to anyone else but me... (I don't really know very many military couples personally though) but now that I hear you explaining it... It sounds so eerily similar to what happened with DB and I that it makes me wonder if it isn't uncommon...

two weeks before my DB came home from his first deployment, I got an email saying the same things... That he just doesn't love me anymore and that he didn't think things would be the same when he got home and that he doesn't have the same feelings for me... I just about fell to the floor when I read it because I was totally and completely shocked because I thought things were GREAT... And I blamed myself for the whole thing, thinking that I hadn't supported him enough or said the right things to him while he was gone...

We got back together a few months after that... And he finally explained to me that he was just scared that I would be a different person when he came home. He told me that he was just so nervous about it that he thought at the time that breaking up with me before he came home would be the best thing to do. He told me that it was even hard to explain to me because the feeling at the time was so intense and that I wouldn't understand. That was quite some time ago and we've been back together for a long time since then and things have been great...

[Twink]

I think its more common than people like to admit.
Anyways, same thing (of sorts) happened to me too. About a month after a great R&R and 2 weeks before he came home, DB did the same thing. He says he still loves me and wants things to work out....I think its just the overwhelming emotions from readjustment to everything again. Changing the things they actually do feel like they have control over is the way they go about it.
But I am still supporting him and working with him through all of this, hoping there is a light at the end of this tunnel too.

[KSS]

Oh my goodness it sounds so much like what I'm going through! We seemed to be pretty good about 1 mth before he came back - after a very up and down deployment. He was saying he loved me and was looking forward to seeing me. And then he disappeared online, and arrived back without telling me, and didn't want to see me, and has now been back a month and is saying that he can't be with me because he doesn't love me or doesn't know if he loves me. Arghhhgh. I don't know what to do either - whether to wait a bit, or whether to try to move on.

[PeppermintRei]

It can be common yes--I'm actually married so it's slightly different--but the guys are afraid of changes--and they get so emotionally worn out that they literally have trouble feeling ANYTHING....My DH and I are lucky that we've have one prior deployment and I grew up in an Army family so I'm familar with it. He may feel like you're a complete stranger--he may just want to go and drink with his buddies and sleep with the girsl waiting to "welcome them home" it could be PTSD it could be a lot of things...the only thing you can do is try and feel out why he's doing these things.

sorry I'm not more helpful

[lbuconn]

I just wanted to thank you all for your responses, they definitely made me feel like I'm not alone and the only one going through this. Does anyone have any suggestions or experience that they did with their DBs during this process?

[Kelsca]

Hi there,

What you are talking about - the silence, distance and confusion is really really common. My BF is a marine and we have struggled with communication since he came back from Iraq a year ago.

The readjustment has been hard and he likes to keep most of what he feels to himself for long periods, working it out himself....he started to withdraw about a week before he got home and we have been back and forth like that ever since..he has always said that he wants to be in the relationship, have a future, and that he loves me ... but he will go through looooooooong periods with communicating (sometimes a month!) and then pop back up when he's ready...he has been diagnosed with PTSD and that may be what you have here with your BF. My BF said he felt numb after we saw each other for the first time after deployment, months later...and he was really confused by it.

If you love him and feel you trust him, just give him some time and space..let him know that you are there for him if he needs, but do give him space..let him miss you..and let him know that you miss him...try not to take it personally, blame or question too much that he has gone silent...I send my bf little notes here and there that he reads and he is very grateful that I have been patient and stuck by him...he really appreciated knowing that I still cared for him after he came back and would take the time to send him little daily updates even though he didn't want to talk....during this time, he has been really sensitive and fearful about things but usually won't admit to it for awhile..

..I would learn as much as you can about post-combat, post deployment changes...lots of info online if you google. K

[JerseyGirl055]

Hey I am going thru the SAME THING! Josh came home from Afghan and he was all "I know I love you and I remember loving you but I don't feel anything" Its terriable

[my.hero's.mrs]

girls... hang in there. Boys with PTSD (and ladies too) can have a rough time figuring out their emotions. Remember to evaluate your own feelings and his level of respect towards you, but try to always support them at least as a friend....

So sorry you all are going through this

[kiwimumoftwo]

Sorry you're going through this - it is really common. When my boyfriend returned from his deployment (the 1st since we met) he was very cold - he does have PTSD though and he's special forces and doesn't (can't) share things with me - but after pretty much no contact for 10 weeks I felt he didn't care and after a few days I ended things. I said I still loved him but that I didn't like the coldness. He apologized, said he still loved me, and we said we'd keep in touch. He turned around and deployed again - 5 months later he got back in touch, thanked me for my mail and emails and said he still loved me too. He was all smiles and chatting - soooooo different from the previous time. 10 days later he stopped communicating which means he's deployed - again that was 12 weeks ago. My advice is just to give him space if that's what he wants, and don't be too hasty to end the relationship. If it's all meant to be, you'll work things though. Continue to be there for him. Good luck.