I don't know what to do anymore...

[StarryEyes]

My bf and i broke up for a few months while he was in Iraq (which was on his request), but he's home now, and since he's been back we managed to fix things and we got back together. Things are good, and i would say our relationship is more stronger than ever.

BUT...there's the whole ptsd thing. It's pretty obvious he has it. He has all the intrusive thoughts, the nightmares, sleepless nights, driving fast, the drinking, the need for an adrenaline rush, etc, etc, and when i ask him about it, he seems to go into denial about it. I understand if that's part of it...but he's come so close to admitting it. I mean he tells me he has problems, and he doesn't think they'll ever go away, and now he's gone into this mode than he thinks he can never say or do anything good or right with me. He keeps telling me that if i'm not happy with him, to just leave him...yet i know that's not what he wants, and i don't want it either.

We got into a really big fight today, and i started crying to him just practically begging him to open up to me and talk. We've been together for 2 years, and he's getting worse. I'm so worried about him. I've tried everything i can think of to try and help him...but he just doesn't seem to want to get any help, or admit it, or talk to me about anything at all. It's really taking a toll on our relationship.

He's always pretty much drunk at night, or half tipsy...he falls asleep while talking to me on the phone (which is within 15 minutes). Half the time he doesn't talk to me...and we are long distance, so in my position, i naturally get a little upset over the communication lacking.

The other day he was driving home drunk, and got pulled over by state troopers. He was over the breathalizer limit, but luckily he wasn't given a DUI or any tickets, and the cops just sat and talked to him until he sobered up enough to drive home. His military ID and defense ID saved his butt. That was over a span of 2 hours at 4am. He finally hit the road at 6am to go home. I was worried sick about him being that i live in another state, but to him it just doesn't seem like it's that much of a big deal..but it's a huge deal to me. You'd think it would wake him up a little or shake him up to make some sort of a change, not that it's easy for someone who is going through what he's going through. I'm not saying it's a walk in the park.

I'm not one to complain about anything to him, but i just couldn't hold it in anymore, i broke down and cried to him today and kinda yelled at him and told him to start talking to me about what's on his mind, because i'm scared i'll end up wanting to leave him because i'm getting fed up and i don't want to do that. Now he's gone into this hibernate mode and won't talk to me. I feel so helpless, i don't even know what to do anymore. He says he still loves me, but he just doesn't know what to say or do, or where to even start.

Anyone have any advice? I'm so tore up about all of this, and it really hurts to see him this way, and he has his whole life ahead of him. It's just really putting a strain on our relationship and making things really tough between us....any help or advice will be appreciated. TIA.

[jeepgirl]

you cant make him talk, he has to want to do that on his own, hibernation mode, he is thinking about all the things you said and everything that has happened to him over the years....just hang in there....he has to want to seek help, i know its hard being so far away and loving him and worrying about him....

[CristinaFaye]

Just hang in there. Be honest with him and tell him that you are worried. The drinking every night and drinking and driving thing is not good. Tell him that you love him and want him to be around. He's going to have to want to get help for himself but you can still encourage him to get it. Oh, hun, good luck to you. Take care.

[KatReborn]

I don't really have any advice other than I agree with what's above me, and I hope it gets better!

[BJo]

You can't force him to talk. You have to just take a step back but at the same time let him know that if he wants to talk to you about it, you are always there to listen. About the drinking thing, it's clear he needs to get help. Getting pulled over like that should have been a huge red flag.

[cheerkelly]

Your story sounds soooo much like mine. I'm right there with you. What have I done? I've just "been there" for him. I don't know what else I can do, until he makes the decision to get help. I encourage him...talk to him...be there for him. People don't understand how I am doing it. They tell me, "He's just immature. He doesn't know what he wants. All he wants is to party, party, party. Someday, he's going to wake up, and he'll be alone...and you'll be happily married to someone else." I just smile and say nothing. They don't know PTSD. Most people (with no military exposure) don't.

Please PM me if you ever want to talk and/or share.

[StarryEyes]

Originally Posted by BrittanyJo You can't force him to talk. You have to just take a step back but at the same time let him know that if he wants to talk to you about it, you are always there to listen. About the drinking thing, it's clear he needs to get help. Getting pulled over like that should have been a huge red flag.

I've taken the back seat on this for a very long time. Ever since we've known each other he's just been getting worse. I have told him i care about him, and that i'm worried, and that he should seek some type of help, atleast. He just brushes it off, or gets so angered with me when i talk about it. As for the drinking and being pulled over...that would have been a major red flag to me. And i really got on him about it too. He was a little stunned about the whole thing, but he just seemed to laugh it off and all he could say was he couldn't believe he didn't get taken in, or given any tickets, etc.

[StarryEyes]

Originally Posted by cheerkelly Your story sounds soooo much like mine. I'm right there with you. What have I done? I've just "been there" for him. I don't know what else I can do, until he makes the decision to get help. I encourage him...talk to him...be there for him. People don't understand how I am doing it. They tell me, "He's just immature. He doesn't know what he wants. All he wants is to party, party, party. Someday, he's going to wake up, and he'll be alone...and you'll be happily married to someone else." I just smile and say nothing. They don't know PTSD. Most people (with no military exposure) don't. Please PM me if you ever want to talk and/or share.

That's all i can do too. Just be there for him. But how am i being there for him, when i feel completely helpless with any tactic i use. If i stay quiet, he thinks i'm mad at him, or i don't care about him. If i mention my worries about him, he thinks i'm being overbearing and i need to stop worrying so much. If i get mad over something he does, he gets equally as mad or worse, and brushes me off for a few hours, or a couple of days even. People tell me exactly the same thing they're telling you. That he's going to wake up alone and have nobody and that's when he will realize he should have been open with you or treated you better...now you will move on and get married and he will always live in regret. And just like you, i just smile and brush it off. What can you say to those kind of people? They have no idea what it's like to go through something like this. I wouldn't dream of leaving my bf, i love him very much. We talk about wanting to get married and having kids. But i'm also constantly reassuring him that no matter what i am here for him, and i love and care for him very much, and he's happy to hear it, and know it.

The reason we broke up in the first place for those few months was because he wanted to. It lasted almost 9 months...and he couldn't even tell me why he wanted it to be over, yet he was keeping in touch with me. I don't know...i guess one serious breakup would be an awakening to make things better....

Late last night i found myself apologizing profusely to him over text messages around 5am, telling him i felt so bad for acting the way i did, and i shouldn't have done it, and i feel so guilty and i know it's not easy for him, etc, etc. My text messages were so lengthy, and in return he just kept telling me to go to sleep and to stop because it's hurting him more knowing that i'm not sleeping because of what happened. Now it's 1pm and i haven't heard from him yet.

[KSS]

hey babe, i remember reading about some questions you can ask to help him start to talk to you in a book on dealing with ptsd. have you read the two main ones? The two I liked are "Down Range: to Iraq and Back" and the other one is "Courage after Fire".

My DB started showing signs 6 mths into the deployment and its been pretty rough. He's not back yet but I'm working on him already to go and see someone when he gets back. It seems one of the things is that they don't believe that can get over it - but most doctors say that with proper treatment there is a good chance to get better.
If he won't see a doctor/counsellor, you might see if you can get him to read either of those books, they have practical strategies to help them deal with the stuff they're going through.
Hugs to you - this is a hell of a road.