DF & PTSD...?? it's a long one!

[misty*nicole]

This is going to be long.. so sorry in advance! I just have a lot of things on my mind & need to get them out.

I think my DF might be dealing with PTSD. He came home from a 15 month deployment in September.. and he was his usual happy self for the first month or so. After awhile, he started having a huge temper and he would flip out at random things. He said it was because he's living at home and things are pretty hectic at his house and that he won't be as hot-tempered once he's out of that stressful environment. He was also drinking heavily and he would go to the bar almost every single day.

Things started improving with him, but I think he's hitting another low now. He seems really depressed lately. He doesn't want to do anything.. all he does is lay around at his house and sleep. He's usually a happy go lucky, carefree guy... and seeing him like this is scaring me. He also is really scatter-brained... he forgets what he's doing and is super hyper at times. We'll be driving somewhere and he'll just totally forget where he's going. Things have really been strained between us now, too, because our wedding is next month and we are in the process of buying a house, as well, so that is adding a lot of stress on him.

It feels like he lost his sexual interest in me, too. We have always had a strong, intimate relationship... but it seems like he doesn't want anything to do with me. I know stress does a number of things to a person, including sexual problems.... but it makes me feel unwanted and I hate it.

I am here to listen to him.. but he never really wants to talk to me. He is actually at drill this weekend and he has a health evaluation tomorrow.. so I am praying that he mentions these problems to the doctors there.

How do you deal with this? I've never been in this situation before and I want to help him, but I don't want him to think I'm smothering him. And how do you not take things personal when he doesn't want to spend time with you? Any advice would be great!!

[chelsea<3josh]

wow i feel like you are writing about my db!! he got back in september too and was fine at first, and then drank almost every night for the next couple of months, we fought constantly, over things we never would have fought about before. Now that he's home for good, he also likes to do nothing and sleep and he snaps so easily. he's short with me and hurts my feelings constantly. i ask him to talk to me, and he says he has nothing to talk about. i don't know what to do either, it's really really hard and it makes me really upset too. i'm nowhere close to a military base, so i have nobody to talk to about these things that is really understanding of what db has been through.

i hope your df gets the help it sounds like he needs! im here for you if you ever want to chat more! pm me anytime!

[golden20]

weird i just read your bio and your getting married on my birthday, so your wedding day will be wonderful, because i mean i was born that day. hahah but that's a side note...
i'm thinking that, you need to talk to him. Tell everything you been noticing, it's gotta be so hard adjusting back to life. And show him that life can be fun, thrilling and amazing with you. Everything is so GO GO GO in the military, its so hard to all the sudden just go back to "blah" you know? And have to stop caring about missions, but caring about wedding plans, and house payments and moving. I can't stress this enough, honesty is the best policy, and you must talk and work out your problems together, or you never will be able to in a marriage you know? Your still fairly young, and i'm guessing he is too, you should be embracing that, and embracing each other. Spice up the bedroom, go on a vacation, get him out of the house.

[misty*nicole]

Originally Posted by chelsea<3josh wow i feel like you are writing about my db!! he got back in september too and was fine at first, and then drank almost every night for the next couple of months, we fought constantly, over things we never would have fought about before. Now that he's home for good, he also likes to do nothing and sleep and he snaps so easily. he's short with me and hurts my feelings constantly. i ask him to talk to me, and he says he has nothing to talk about. i don't know what to do either, it's really really hard and it makes me really upset too. i'm nowhere close to a military base, so i have nobody to talk to about these things that is really understanding of what db has been through. i hope your df gets the help it sounds like he needs! im here for you if you ever want to chat more! pm me anytime!

I am the same way here--- there aren't many resources for military SO's in my area.. so that's why I came here for advice. It sometimes seems like we're the only ones going through this.. and it's good (well, not good that other people are struggling with readjusting).. but it's good to know that DF isn't the only one and there's hope that he will get better!! Has your DB talked to anyone? My DF is Mr Tough Guy.. so it's hard for him to admit he has a problem.

Anyways, I hope you and your DB get through this, as well. You can most defintely PM me anytime, too.

[misty*nicole]

Originally Posted by goldenageskye weird i just read your bio and your getting married on my birthday, so your wedding day will be wonderful, because i mean i was born that day. hahah but that's a side note... i'm thinking that, you need to talk to him. Tell everything you been noticing, it's gotta be so hard adjusting back to life. And show him that life can be fun, thrilling and amazing with you. Everything is so GO GO GO in the military, its so hard to all the sudden just go back to "blah" you know? And have to stop caring about missions, but caring about wedding plans, and house payments and moving. I can't stress this enough, honesty is the best policy, and you must talk and work out your problems together, or you never will be able to in a marriage you know? Your still fairly young, and i'm guessing he is too, you should be embracing that, and embracing each other. Spice up the bedroom, go on a vacation, get him out of the house.

Ohh that's awesome!! Now I know the wedding is going to be amazing! Thanks for your advice. I talked to him a little today and he admits that he needs some help.. atleast he's noticing that he's not himself. Now actually getting him to talk to someone is another thing... but hopefully he does.

[chelsea<3josh]

nope db is mr tough guy too and he won't talk to anybody. he's going to the va for his evaluations in a couple weeks and im *hoping* they might catch something but chances are they won't. he can put up a good front, but it's the little things that catch him up and that i notice. daily life is tough, and sometimes i feel like i just want to give up. but it hasn't been that long, so i'm not giving up yet. if things don't improve over time i don't know if we will make it. i read your other post and it's so GOOD that he's realizing that he's not himself, and maybe eventually he will talk to someone? my mom always tells me that when i want to get him to do something he doesn't want to do, make it seem like it was his idea..and then he'll be more likely to want to do it. easier said then done, but hopefully he will get better! your wedding is so soon! how exciting!! keep us updated on how things go!!

[SuzyQ]

Originally Posted by mistacole58 This is going to be long.. so sorry in advance! I just have a lot of things on my mind & need to get them out. I think my DF might be dealing with PTSD. He came home from a 15 month deployment in September.. and he was his usual happy self for the first month or so. After awhile, he started having a huge temper and he would flip out at random things. He said it was because he's living at home and things are pretty hectic at his house and that he won't be as hot-tempered once he's out of that stressful environment. He was also drinking heavily and he would go to the bar almost every single day. Things started improving with him, but I think he's hitting another low now. He seems really depressed lately. He doesn't want to do anything.. all he does is lay around at his house and sleep. He's usually a happy go lucky, carefree guy... and seeing him like this is scaring me. He also is really scatter-brained... he forgets what he's doing and is super hyper at times. We'll be driving somewhere and he'll just totally forget where he's going. Things have really been strained between us now, too, because our wedding is next month and we are in the process of buying a house, as well, so that is adding a lot of stress on him. It feels like he lost his sexual interest in me, too. We have always had a strong, intimate relationship... but it seems like he doesn't want anything to do with me. I know stress does a number of things to a person, including sexual problems.... but it makes me feel unwanted and I hate it. I am here to listen to him.. but he never really wants to talk to me. He is actually at drill this weekend and he has a health evaluation tomorrow.. so I am praying that he mentions these problems to the doctors there. How do you deal with this? I've never been in this situation before and I want to help him, but I don't want him to think I'm smothering him. And how do you not take things personal when he doesn't want to spend time with you? Any advice would be great!!

Wow, Misty--we have such similarities in our stories. Scott came home August 31, 2007 from a 15 month deployment to Iraq, and we are getting married next month, too, on the 17th.

We also, unfortunately, have very similar stories regarding our DF's, too.

First of all, I'd like to ask you a question, if I may? When your DF came home wasn't he ever told or made aware that he could go to the VA? Scott, in addition to mental health issues, also experienced some physical injuries in Iraq, so he started the whole process with the VA back in September.

Scott has always liked his beer, and I've been quite aware of how LITTLE he drinks the past couple of months--I honestly feel that this is because he IS aware he would bury himself in it to dull his pain, I think.

Regarding your DF driving and forgetting where he's going, OMG that is Scott, too!!! Scott is back to his civilian job (October 1 he went back), as he's in the MA National Guard, and while he is able to function, do his job at work, etc., he has an extremely difficult time concentrating.

At home, however, is an entirely different story!! I feel at times that he's still not here, as I'm carrying the load of our house, children, finances, etc., all while juggling my home business. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not angry with him, just frustrated at times, as I'm very aware of how he's changed, while he only noticed once we discussed these very things. Scott is a true believer that the govt. doctors and the VA should speak to the family members, as he feels I am much more aware of how he's different now.

It's sad to say, but if we weren't getting married, more often than not I would feel like he doesn't even want to be here. Do you feel that way, too?? I, too, feel unwanted, unloved many times.

This is probably TMI, but I just have to add, our sex life is most certainly NOT what I expected after being apart for 15 looooooooong months. Well, to avoid being too graphic, it's all about him, if ya catch my drift, and I end up coming downstairs to stew, as I'm trying to be most patient with him.

Back to the VA comment that I made above..........we finally rec'd the letter from the VA yesterday that Scott has been classified as 50% disabled--30% due to his PTSD and 20% for the physical injuries he suffered while in Iraq. It took 5 months and over 40 doctor's appointments w/both civilian and VA doctors to reach this point............but STICK IT OUT!!!!

I've found too many guys don't stick it out and follow through with all they ask of you. It is so very frustrating at times--Scott has missed countless days of work at his civilian job due to tests/appts. Thank God, his boss is a Vietnam Vet and totally understands the process.

I'm hoping now that Scott has heard this officially, that he will get the help he needs for it. I've been asking him to contact our local vet center, but to no avail---he's just so down, quiet, and distant 90% of the time, and pretty much totally uninvolved in the planning of our wedding, which is just so heartbreaking for me.....but I keep plugging away.

I think sometimes they try to make it difficult to get the help you need in hopes that you'll just give up....but please don't!! You and your DF deserve the absolute BEST for his service.

I'm here for you anytime. I know just how overwhelming and incredibly difficult this is. Thank God for this forum!!

[cheerkelly]

Wow. You ladies are writing what sounds like my story too. Mikey was the same way when he got back in September. He didn't want to do anything but drink and party. He was irritable, and we would fight over really really stupid stuff. We ended up calling off the wedding (supposed to have been March 15, 2008), because we broke up.

He has been totally forgettful, irritable...sometimes a downright *******. LOL! I would have stood by him through it all, but he distanced himself from me and didn't want to be with me anymore. It has made me very sad, but I'm starting to bring myself out of it.

He has mild traumatic brain injury caused by the concussions he got while in Iraq. He also has blood on the right side of his brain, which is causing migraines, etc. He is supposed to go in for surgery for that sometime soon, but I don't know when.

It has torn me apart to watch him go through this. If I lived closer to him, I think we might have been able to work things out. Unfortunately.....

I'm glad that you guys are still together and that you have recognized the signs before it's too late. I didn't have a clue, and I screwed up by not knowing or thinking about what he'd gone through...and not realizing that he displayed classic signs of PTSD...until it was too late and we were already broken up.

All you can do is just be patient, and encourage him to get help. Mikey is the manly man type too, but he is supposed to be getting counseling through the military...they even set him up with a case worker. Hopefully your DF will get the help he needs.

Talk to KateTheGreat. She's a great resource on PTSD!

[Kaiden'sMomma]

Ah! I feel like you just wrote a shorter not so in depth description of my DF. ---also got home in September. Smashes cell phones regularly in fits of rage---
The other day he talked to a guy from the VA and this guy gave him a list of signs of PTSD...physical, mental, verbal, all sorts of them..and it was him to a freaking capitol T. And he's going to go to an out-patient treatment program, soon...(I am praying he really will).
I hope you figure it out. All I can offer you is ...and the other ladies have pretty much said anything I could. again

[Lilbear911]

I am so glad I'm not alone after reading all these posts! My DH is the same way...He will be fine one minute and then totally angery! yet, he can't really explain why he's frusterated! I've always thought he had some degree of PTSD because at night he'll start sweating and clenching his jaw and his hands will be in fists...I can tell he's having nightmares and stuff.... Anyway, it's nice to know my dh isn't just a grump for no reason!