Tired

[Edelweiss23]

Hey everyone,

I am new on here and am in need of advice!

Hubs and I have been married almost 10 years, we have 3 children(2 older children from my first marriage and 1 together who is autistic). I work full time and go to school full time to finish my degree. He has been deployed in one way or another for almost 7 years off and on.

My husband came home 5 weeks ago after spending a year in Kuwait. This homecoming is different. We are doing nothing but fighting.

It started by him coming home and starting to change the kids schedules before and after school the day after he got back, which led to lots of resistance from the 15 year old. I've given him the benefit of the doubt and let him try new things, like getting the autistic child up at 0500 to "work out", which went over like a lead balloon.

Yesterday was the final straw. The oldest had her best friend over for her birthday party and during the birthday dinner, hubs forces the 7 year old autistic boy(our child together) to eat guacamole, knowing that he has an a hatred of all things that are that texture, which led to stemming and screaming from the child. Daughter storms away from the table in tears that her "party was ruined by her screaming brother". Daughter's best friend calms down the little one, I calm down daughter. He then blew up at me because the oldest got upset.

I am soooooooo frustrated. Am I just being over sensitive?

[twistertwin]

There is a whole cycle of deployments. But people don’t often recognize the last part, which is reintegration. He has to acclimate back to a world where you have been the leader, coming from a world where he had a daily mission.

We discuss roles before return, but since he is already home, I suggest a time to discuss this openly. It needs to be before conflict when you are both calm and collected. You and the kids are used to doing things your way. He needs to recognize that. But you also have to realize just because his parenting style is different, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. There needs to be some compromising happening.

Also, with regards to your autistic child, maybe he could accompany y’all to therapy to get a better grasp on what triggers might be.

[Medic2Doula]

It sounds like he wants to jump back into being a coleader in the household. Can you suggest other ways he can lead without changing so much?

[Margot31]

It isn't easy for either of you cause you have been running a full household for the last year...and he wants things to go back to his being a big leader....I already warned my husband about that he has to be really careful this time around as I have been dealing with 2 kids and all and last time we didn't have kids.

I think twisted sister made some great ideas that even i was going to list. Sit down and talk maybe go on a date without the kids and talk about your daily life and how it has been working and see where he can take some of the leadership roles out of your hands now...which isn't easy. I like the idea of the therapy and all. My son goes to speech therapy now, he didn't before my husband left. I know its nothing compared to your son but I know it won't be easy trying to understand why I am out of the house at 8 am every monday morning and all and it will take a bit for him getting used to that kind of thing.

I also wouldn't hesitate maybe getting outside help. Sometimes even seeing someone on the outside in a safe environment can help too.

[AMP1984]

I haven't been through a reintegration yet (we have one coming at the end of this year) but I imagine this is pretty common...at the pre-deployment weekend they mentioned re-integration and the challenges and even suggested every couple attend the reintegration workshop which I believe is available a couple months after your SO returns? It was highly encouraged - have you looked into one you and your DH could attend? It may be helpful as I get the feeling some struggles are pretty typical during re-integration.

We had certain routines and rules when we were all living as a family but honestly now that DB is gone, between 2 kids, 2 dogs and a full time job and no help I have let some house rules slide...when he's back we'll go back to how things were but I am sure there will be a couple hiccups along the way