Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11

Thread: Homecoming Disappointing?

  1. Fresh Newbie
    maggieray's Avatar
    maggieray is offline
    Fresh Newbie
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Posts
    4
    #1

    Sad Homecoming Disappointing?

    Advertisements
    Hi,

    This is my first post, I actually made an account to ask this question. My boyfriend and I were together for 7 months before he deployed for 6. It was a really hard deployment at first, but we made it through a lot of things. I experienced a lot of personal problems at home while he was away, so the separation was even more difficult.
    The whole time we talked about how much better it would be when he was home, and he told me he wanted to spend all his free time together. We live a couple hours apart, so only seeing each other on the weekend was hard in our relationship prior to him leaving.

    I was happy to see him when he arrived and things actually felt as if no time had passed! I was so relieved it wasn't awkward. However, what I envisioned as a magical romantic weekend together turned into a casual and distracted time. He wanted to spend a lot of time doing things like hanging out with his friends, on the phone with others, playing video games, working out, basically things that did not involve me... It led to me feeling really left out and as if he doesn't love me as much as I love him. When I tried to talk to him about it he said that he has other things going on but we were at least 'together' so that should count. I feel like I am not getting enough attention considering how long he has been gone. I want to spend one on one time together but he wants us to go out and visit with his friends.

    Am I being selfish? How can I be more patient as he readjusts? I appreciate kind answers and advice, again I am new to all of this
  2. MilitarySOS Jewel
    JennyJennJenn's Avatar
    JennyJennJenn is offline
    MilitarySOS Jewel
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Me- NJ Him- Oklahoma
    Posts
    7,641


    #2
    Hello! Welcome to the board, make sure that at some point you stop by the "newbies" forum and introduce yourself! We want to get to know you!

    I wouldn't call it being "selfish" per say, but I think maybe your expectations were a little too high. Homecoming is a tough adjustment for everyone, and while you are the girlfriend, you're not the only one who missed him while he was gone, ya know? He's spent the last 6 months away from home and in a very very different place, so now that he's home, he is going to want to do the things that he missed, and see the people that he missed and have missed him. A lot of times, we picture this super romantic huge American flags billowing in the wind and spending all of our time with our significant other, annnnd that's not always the way that it goes. He is going to want to hang with his friends and catch up with his family and play video games and work out and eat the foods that he didn't get to have for 6 months, think about it from his point of view ya know?

    So, while I DEFINITELY understand how you feel, there's a WHOLE lot of adjusting to coming back from deployment, so I suggest giving him some time, let him do the things that he wants to do, do the things that he wants to do with him if he wants you to be around, and let him readjust to being home again, he will come around!! Give it some time Sending you lots of I know it's really difficult, but try to think about it from him and the re-adjustment he's dealing with, it might make things a little easier on you! Be gentle and make sure you're taking care of yourself! It's nice to meet you!

    Quote Originally Posted by Rainbow Brite View Post
    There needs to be a blowing rainbows, sunshine, butterflies, and happiness up an asshole smiley.
    ]
  3. Senior Member
    Enthused Meerkat's Avatar
    Enthused Meerkat is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Bowie, MD
    Posts
    13,244
    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by maggieray View Post
    Hi,

    This is my first post, I actually made an account to ask this question. My boyfriend and I were together for 7 months before he deployed for 6. It was a really hard deployment at first, but we made it through a lot of things. I experienced a lot of personal problems at home while he was away, so the separation was even more difficult.
    The whole time we talked about how much better it would be when he was home, and he told me he wanted to spend all his free time together. We live a couple hours apart, so only seeing each other on the weekend was hard in our relationship prior to him leaving.

    I was happy to see him when he arrived and things actually felt as if no time had passed! I was so relieved it wasn't awkward. However, what I envisioned as a magical romantic weekend together turned into a casual and distracted time. He wanted to spend a lot of time doing things like hanging out with his friends, on the phone with others, playing video games, working out, basically things that did not involve me... It led to me feeling really left out and as if he doesn't love me as much as I love him. When I tried to talk to him about it he said that he has other things going on but we were at least 'together' so that should count. I feel like I am not getting enough attention considering how long he has been gone. I want to spend one on one time together but he wants us to go out and visit with his friends.

    Am I being selfish? How can I be more patient as he readjusts? I appreciate kind answers and advice, again I am new to all of this
    I went through something very similar when my husband (then boyfriend) returned from our first deployment as a couple. For me, it just took time. The situation was very frustrating at times and it got worse before it got better...but that rough patch was well worth going through for what we have now. I wish I could give you specific advice on how to make it better, but really, it was just an adjustment period for us both...nothing specific really solved the issue...just time.
    Scarlett Jean is almost 3!
  4. Fresh Newbie
    maggieray's Avatar
    maggieray is offline
    Fresh Newbie
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Posts
    4
    #4

    Smile

    Hi,

    Thank you so much for your response, it was really helpful. You're right, he was away from EVERYTHING, so his deployment experience was different than mine, no matter how much I missed him. I just want to feel like I have an important place in his life, but like you said I need to be fair and give him time.

    I'm having trouble figuring out which newbie forum to post in, I am finding a lot!

    Thanks again!
  5. MilitarySOS Jewel
    JennyJennJenn's Avatar
    JennyJennJenn is offline
    MilitarySOS Jewel
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Me- NJ Him- Oklahoma
    Posts
    7,641


    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by maggieray View Post
    Hi,

    Thank you so much for your response, it was really helpful. You're right, he was away from EVERYTHING, so his deployment experience was different than mine, no matter how much I missed him. I just want to feel like I have an important place in his life, but like you said I need to be fair and give him time.

    I'm having trouble figuring out which newbie forum to post in, I am finding a lot!

    Thanks again!
    Sometimes what it takes is a different perspective, I'm glad that our responses were helpful. It just takes time to adjust and for things to get back to "normal" they may not go back to exactly the way they were before, but hang in there, it's tough, BUT it's worth it, give him some time, make sure you communicate with him, and let him know that at some point you'd like to spend some time one on one, but try to make sure you don't put too much pressure on him, ya know. It's an adjustment all around, give him time, and stick it out, he'll show you you're important, it's just going to take time for things to settle back down!

    If you go up to the top of your page and hit forums, there should be a drop down that comes up, the first Heading Says, " MilitarySOS" at the bottom of that group, the last choice is "Newbies" that's what you're looking for! Or if you're on mobile and don't get a drop down menu, if you click on the Forums heading, on the page that comes up, the first Heading will still be MilitarySOS and then Newbies is the last one in that group, it's the third one down! If you have any other issues navigating the site, be sure to ask! We can probably point you in the right direction!

    Quote Originally Posted by Rainbow Brite View Post
    There needs to be a blowing rainbows, sunshine, butterflies, and happiness up an asshole smiley.
    ]
  6. Senior Member
    Guynavywife's Avatar
    Guynavywife is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    19,274
    Blog Entries
    2
    #6
    Agree with what 3J said. i'd also add the old saying "Absence makes the heart grow fantasy and idealism."
    If you want my opinion on your relationship or life issues, just ask Villanelle!
    Quote Originally Posted by LittleMsSunshine View Post
    I think it's really funny when people come on here, and automatically assume that everyone here is a gung-ho, hoo-rah, i-bleed-red-white-and-blue, kiss-my-military-ass, people-in-uniform-can-do-no-wrong, and i'm-entitled-to-everything bitch.
    "RIP Blackie, and Whitey, New Whitey. Goodbye Poopers and Momma Beige and Lady Grey. New Blackie and the Whitey Sisters rule the roost now!"
  7. MilitarySOS Jewel
    JennyJennJenn's Avatar
    JennyJennJenn is offline
    MilitarySOS Jewel
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Me- NJ Him- Oklahoma
    Posts
    7,641


    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Guynavywife View Post
    Agree with what 3J said. i'd also add the old saying "Absence makes the heart grow fantasy and idealism."
    It took me way to look to figure out who 3J was

    Quote Originally Posted by Rainbow Brite View Post
    There needs to be a blowing rainbows, sunshine, butterflies, and happiness up an asshole smiley.
    ]
  8. Senior Member
    Sabrina22LE's Avatar
    Sabrina22LE is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2015
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    1,394
    #8
    Try to think of it from his side. He's doing a lot of things he hasn't been able to do freely. I understand that you must be feeling hurt and a bit neglected, but I would give him some time to readjust. It's pretty common for homecomings to be a difficult amd confusing time.
  9. Senior Member
    AMP1984's Avatar
    AMP1984 is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Posts
    371
    #9
    Sometimes when we wait for something, anticipate, and put all these expectations on a moment or event it's just plain disappointing. And it's NOT that that isn't an awesome, amazing, fun time, it's that it doesn't live up to this amazing fantasy! I haven't had homecoming yet...I also am REALLY looking forward to it but it won't be coming til end of 2018 for me!

    But in the past expectations have caused issues with us. Our one year anniversary we planned a romantic getaway to New Orleans kids free (I have my kids 24/7 but his he only sees a couple times a year, they live in WA we live in TX) so I paid a crap ton of money for a babysitter for a long weekend and we were ready for this romantic adventure. Well his daughter (who was away all summer at a camp type thing) managed to injure her wrist and could no longer participate in her activity and was closer to TX than WA so suddenly he had her for a month and she wasn't going home until after our long weekend in New Orleans so we now had a 15 year old tagging along on our romantic getaway. I was super bummed. Was it a horrible trip? No, it was still a fun adventure. Was it anything like what I had envisioned? Not. At. All. Was I pissy about it? Yup. I tried SO HARD to be OK with it but I wasn't at the time and it showed. I was super upset I paid so much money to be kid free and had a kid tag along anyways! Do I understand why he brought her? Of course! If I rarely saw my kids and finally got the chance to have time with them (especially unexpectedly) I would take it in a heartbeat! But it was still difficult for me because my feelings were hurt. Did we get past it? Of course! Was it still a fun vacation! Yes! But it didn't match my expectations and that was a hard pill to swallow.

    I try hard now not to put too much pressure on things to go a certain way and just enjoy the time we have together. I am also pretty sure for his homecoming he will head to WA before he heads to TX so I won't be his first stop! But what's a couple extra weeks after 14+ months?! Plus once he's home he's home, we live together, so I won't be able to get rid of him lol and I will get to see him on his R&R whereas his children won't so I've already prepared myself for the extended time away.

    I read somewhere "just because someone doesn't love you the way you think they should doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have"...food for thought enjoy having your DB back!
  10. Senior Member
    Guynavywife's Avatar
    Guynavywife is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    19,274
    Blog Entries
    2
    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by JennyJennJenn View Post
    It took me way to look to figure out who 3J was
    Jenn cubed?
    If you want my opinion on your relationship or life issues, just ask Villanelle!
    Quote Originally Posted by LittleMsSunshine View Post
    I think it's really funny when people come on here, and automatically assume that everyone here is a gung-ho, hoo-rah, i-bleed-red-white-and-blue, kiss-my-military-ass, people-in-uniform-can-do-no-wrong, and i'm-entitled-to-everything bitch.
    "RIP Blackie, and Whitey, New Whitey. Goodbye Poopers and Momma Beige and Lady Grey. New Blackie and the Whitey Sisters rule the roost now!"
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •