post deployment spouse depression

[stefstef]

HI everyone! I really need some help….I suffered with terrible anxiety and depression through my fiancés deployment. He is stationed across the country from where I live and work. The deployment was very hard on the both of us. When he came home for leave we were fighting all the time, we spent the whole time together and we worked on things so much. I feel like a lot of it is on my end. He hurt me emotionally a lot right before he left and while he was away. My depression and anxiety is getting the best of me. We are trying to work on things because we are so in love and I am giving him so much le way I know he's been through so much and I'm so understanding. However, Im just struggling so bad. Now, he's back in CA and he seems to be back in his schedule and going to the gym and hanging out with friends. And here I am dragging myself out of bed to go to work and coming back home laying in bed and not wanting to do anything.

I used to be very into Crossfit and working out. When he deployed I stopped working out and lost close to 30 pounds. I am having such a hard time getting back into it. I feel like I've slowly become so far away from who I am and I feel like I wouldn't even know me if I met me. As terrible as it sounds I feel like I'm mad that he's doing so well and I still struggle through every day.

He will be out of the military in 6 months and thats really the only thing that gets me through each day.

Has anyone ever gone through anything like this?

[villanelle]

It sounds like it is well past time for you to consult a counselor about your anxiety and depression. That would be a good place to start.

Also, did he cheat at some point? If that the way he hurt you badly?

[Katarina]

I think talking to someone would definitely help! Have you talked to him about it? Not fight or blame him or anything negative. I mean calmly talk (preferably on the phone or skype) and explain "I know this is not your fault, but Im upset over..... And I really dont know why I feel this way or how to fix it." Or "Babe, I've been really depressed and I need your help." I think the biggest thing is NOT fighting about it or playing the blame game. DH and I have had to learn to do this because we used to blame EVERYTHING on each other. "I was being a jerk because of what YOU did." Instead of explaining why I was upset at what he did. That sort of thing. I hope you guys can work it out!

[Tojai]

HI everyone! I really need some help….I suffered with terrible anxiety and depression through my fiancés deployment. He is stationed across the country from where I live and work. The deployment was very hard on the both of us. When he came home for leave we were fighting all the time, we spent the whole time together and we worked on things so much. I feel like a lot of it is on my end. He hurt me emotionally a lot right before he left and while he was away. My depression and anxiety is getting the best of me. We are trying to work on things because we are so in love and I am giving him so much le way I know he's been through so much and I'm so understanding. However, Im just struggling so bad. Now, he's back in CA and he seems to be back in his schedule and going to the gym and hanging out with friends. And here I am dragging myself out of bed to go to work and coming back home laying in bed and not wanting to do anything.

I used to be very into Crossfit and working out. When he deployed I stopped working out and lost close to 30 pounds. I am having such a hard time getting back into it. I feel like I've slowly become so far away from who I am and I feel like I wouldn't even know me if I met me. As terrible as it sounds I feel like I'm mad that he's doing so well and I still struggle through every day.

He will be out of the military in 6 months and thats really the only thing that gets me through each day.

Has anyone ever gone through anything like this?

I'm asking because it will change my advice - are you married to him? I just wasn't sure becuase in the title you talk about spouse depression but you refer to your SO as your fiance.

[carmel11725]

I agree, it's time to seek professional help. You shouldn't feel that way during a deployment or after. Please take care of yourself, be proactive.

[stefstef]

We are not married yet (sorry I wasn't thinking about it when I labeled it because I've been googling military spouse support and such)…no he did not cheat. He changed drastically before he deployed and he became so distant and mean. He was so mean through his deployment. But you guys are right I really do need to seek professional help, I think I just didn't want to admit that. I just feel like I completely lost myself and I'm finally realizing I do need help.

Thank you everyone, your advice really means a lot.

I talk to him about it and he tries to help and he's so supportive, he's like the best and so caring but I just constantly find myself not being able to pick myself up. Its like Im watching him get back to himself now that the deployment is over but I can't pull myself back.

[MissNik]

I agree, it's time to seek professional help. You shouldn't feel that way during a deployment or after. Please take care of yourself, be proactive.

The only person who can make the choice to start feeling better is YOU. Don't be ashamed to seek out help.

Also, IMO, I find it concerning that you mention that he changed so much before deployment and then was also mean to you during the deployment. True love isn't mean. He must have at least some idea that you are struggling, so it boggles my mind that he would kick you while you're down. I just feel like there's gotta be more to this.

Frankly, given that you are engaged, AFTER you seek help for yourself and get yourself in a better place, you really should consider couples counseling.

[Tojai]

We are not married yet (sorry I wasn't thinking about it when I labeled it because I've been googling military spouse support and such)…no he did not cheat. He changed drastically before he deployed and he became so distant and mean. He was so mean through his deployment. But you guys are right I really do need to seek professional help, I think I just didn't want to admit that. I just feel like I completely lost myself and I'm finally realizing I do need help.

Thank you everyone, your advice really means a lot.

I talk to him about it and he tries to help and he's so supportive, he's like the best and so caring but I just constantly find myself not being able to pick myself up. Its like Im watching him get back to himself now that the deployment is over but I can't pull myself back.

If you were married I was going ot suggest Military One Source because it's a great resource.

I do agree that professional help would be the right choice for you. There is nothing wrong with needing some help to get yourself to a healthy place!

[villanelle]

This man had shown he's capable of being mean to your for a somewhat sustained period of time (not just one incident where he lashed out and said something he regretted). Please think very, very carefully about whether going forward with a marriage is something that is a smart choice.

You say he's the best and so caring, but then you say he was extremely mean to you. Do you see how those things don't match?