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Thread: Break up after he returns home from Afghanistan

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    Grumpy Break up after he returns home from Afghanistan

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    My Airman and I first met back in high school 7 years ago. We dated only for a month 6 years ago in high school. He broke up with me then because he was friends with my brother and told him he would never date his sister. He felt guilty for being with me so we ended. I didn't believe him at the time and thought he was just using it as an excuse. I became bitter towards him after that and would hardly talk to him. I could always tell he really regretted ending things with me but it just made me angrier because I thought he only wanted what he couldn't have.

    Fast forward 5 years... He was 2 years into his military career and stationed in New Jersey while I was back in our hometown in California. Last August I reconnected with him and that same day he spilled his heart out to me about how leaving me was the biggest mistake he ever made and he'd do anything to take it back the first time. For some reason my feelings for him came back and I decided to give him a second chance.

    Although, I knew we were on opposite sides of the country and he was being deployed to Afghanistan in 3 months we both wanted to make it work so we stayed together. When deployment time came I was really sad but I knew I could make it trough the six months that he'd be gone, and I was just looking forward to him coming to California after.

    While he was overseas we hardly fought. Even when little things would big me I always stayed supportive. I sent him letters for the holidays and a care package. I truly was loyal to him, not talking to any other guys but him. I really just wanted him to be happy above everyone else. And he knew that's what I wanted. He would always thank me for being there for him during the deployment and he couldn't tell me how much it meant to him. I said he'd always be worth the wait to me.

    The only real problem we ever had was that he would take forever to respond to me even when I knew he had the opportunity to talk to me. So that problem came up quite a few times.

    Now fast forward to about a month ago when he comes home from Afghanistan. When he landed in the states he called me to let me know. He said he had to go through customs but he would "call me after, sweetheart." Problem is he never called me that night. It runs out his parents surprised him at the airport and he went out with them after. I was upset but the net morning he said sorry and I decided to let it go because I knew how much it meant to him to see his family. But the next week and a half I barely got any texts from him, which wasn't too out of the ordinary for him because he doesn't like being on his phone all day. But he started not saying goodnight to me even. He was always with his friends.

    I kept getting upset about it for a week and a half after he came home. And one day he finally snapped and told me how much it hurt him, that he was trying his best and giving this his all, and he felt like it wasn't good enough for me. He said he didn't know what to do anymore so he was going to take the day to think about it. When he talked to me later that night he said he'd come to the conclusion that he didn't know what to do. He said he could get over being hurt but he couldn't get over the feeling in his stomach that he'd only been hurting me since he came home. He said he didn't know what to do because he told himself when we got back together that he wouldn't hurt me but he said that's all he's doing and can't be the man I need and someone else would make me happier than he does. He said the hardest part is that I wouldn't be there anymore and he learned so much from me and that he felt like he would just be throwing that away. He said he had a fear that all I would think was that he was a piece of s*** and that I'm the only person he cares what thinks of him. When I begged him not to go he said "for the love of god don't make this any harder than it already is for me."

    About 2 weeks after not talking I sent him a text asking him not to respond but I just wanted to let him know that I care about him and if he ever needs anything I have his back. I wanted him to know I didn't hate him like I did in high school. Now, 3 and a half weeks since we ended I found out through Facebook that he came home to California today for a few weeks. It hurts so bad because I don't know if he's going to try to see me.

    My question is, do you think this is just a phase of post deployment stress and he'll come back? Or is here really done with me? I really was good to him. I always thought of him and made sure I wouldn't do things to hurt him. I can't help but be selfless with him. He means more to me than anyone else.

    Thank you guys for your time.
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Jodi22 View Post
    My Airman and I first met back in high school 7 years ago. We dated only for a month 6 years ago in high school. He broke up with me then because he was friends with my brother and told him he would never date his sister. He felt guilty for being with me so we ended. I didn't believe him at the time and thought he was just using it as an excuse. I became bitter towards him after that and would hardly talk to him. I could always tell he really regretted ending things with me but it just made me angrier because I thought he only wanted what he couldn't have.

    Fast forward 5 years... He was 2 years into his military career and stationed in New Jersey while I was back in our hometown in California. Last August I reconnected with him and that same day he spilled his heart out to me about how leaving me was the biggest mistake he ever made and he'd do anything to take it back the first time. For some reason my feelings for him came back and I decided to give him a second chance.

    Although, I knew we were on opposite sides of the country and he was being deployed to Afghanistan in 3 months we both wanted to make it work so we stayed together. When deployment time came I was really sad but I knew I could make it trough the six months that he'd be gone, and I was just looking forward to him coming to California after.

    While he was overseas we hardly fought. Even when little things would big me I always stayed supportive. I sent him letters for the holidays and a care package. I truly was loyal to him, not talking to any other guys but him. I really just wanted him to be happy above everyone else. And he knew that's what I wanted. He would always thank me for being there for him during the deployment and he couldn't tell me how much it meant to him. I said he'd always be worth the wait to me.

    The only real problem we ever had was that he would take forever to respond to me even when I knew he had the opportunity to talk to me. So that problem came up quite a few times.

    Now fast forward to about a month ago when he comes home from Afghanistan. When he landed in the states he called me to let me know. He said he had to go through customs but he would "call me after, sweetheart." Problem is he never called me that night. It runs out his parents surprised him at the airport and he went out with them after. I was upset but the net morning he said sorry and I decided to let it go because I knew how much it meant to him to see his family. But the next week and a half I barely got any texts from him, which wasn't too out of the ordinary for him because he doesn't like being on his phone all day. But he started not saying goodnight to me even. He was always with his friends.

    I kept getting upset about it for a week and a half after he came home. And one day he finally snapped and told me how much it hurt him, that he was trying his best and giving this his all, and he felt like it wasn't good enough for me. He said he didn't know what to do anymore so he was going to take the day to think about it. When he talked to me later that night he said he'd come to the conclusion that he didn't know what to do. He said he could get over being hurt but he couldn't get over the feeling in his stomach that he'd only been hurting me since he came home. He said he didn't know what to do because he told himself when we got back together that he wouldn't hurt me but he said that's all he's doing and can't be the man I need and someone else would make me happier than he does. He said the hardest part is that I wouldn't be there anymore and he learned so much from me and that he felt like he would just be throwing that away. He said he had a fear that all I would think was that he was a piece of s*** and that I'm the only person he cares what thinks of him. When I begged him not to go he said "for the love of god don't make this any harder than it already is for me."

    About 2 weeks after not talking I sent him a text asking him not to respond but I just wanted to let him know that I care about him and if he ever needs anything I have his back. I wanted him to know I didn't hate him like I did in high school. Now, 3 and a half weeks since we ended I found out through Facebook that he came home to California today for a few weeks. It hurts so bad because I don't know if he's going to try to see me.

    My question is, do you think this is just a phase of post deployment stress and he'll come back? Or is here really done with me? I really was good to him. I always thought of him and made sure I wouldn't do things to hurt him. I can't help but be selfless with him. He means more to me than anyone else.

    Thank you guys for your time.
    I'll be honest, it doesn't sound like it's related to deployment to me. The bolded sounds extremely emotionally articulate to me.

    My husband and I had some stumbling blocks that included figuring out where we stand on how much and when to expect communication. It sounds like he couldn't meet your level of need in that department. My DH felt that way at one point too, and it really came to a point where we both needed to communicate about communication. I needed to ease up on him if he couldn't talk, and he needed to let me know how much he wanted to talk even when it was impossible. We got through it and have been better than ever, but it very nearly broke us at one point. Deployed or not, if talking to you becomes stressful because he feels he's hurt you, disappointed you, etc...he's eventually going to avoid those conversations, or in the case of your DB, he's going to tell you straight up he can't meet your expectations and as much as it hurts, you aren't compatible.

    I'm sorry that you're in pain.
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    Sounds like the two of you aren't compatible, imo
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    Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, and for your honesty. It's difficult for me to accept the idea that we aren't compatible with each other because for the most part we were really good to each other and respectful.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Jodi22 View Post
    Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, and for your honesty. It's difficult for me to accept the idea that we aren't compatible with each other because for the most part we were really good to each other and respectful.
    I can relate, I did a lot of soul searching, and deciding if my expectations were reasonable, or if I could adjust them, I also spent a lot of time trying to see things from DH's point of view. It was not easy to adapt my desire for constant contact, but it was possible. On the other hand, I asked (and sought counseling with DH) for him to a bit more emotionally forward with me and between the two efforts, we came to a resolution. I have no idea if any of that is possible for you and your DB, but if you feel your expectations were reasonable, then I would chalk it up to incompatibility.
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    Quote Originally Posted by [his] lobster View Post
    I can relate, I did a lot of soul searching, and deciding if my expectations were reasonable, or if I could adjust them, I also spent a lot of time trying to see things from DH's point of view. It was not easy to adapt my desire for constant contact, but it was possible. On the other hand, I asked (and sought counseling with DH) for him to a bit more emotionally forward with me and between the two efforts, we came to a resolution. I have no idea if any of that is possible for you and your DB, but if you feel your expectations were reasonable, then I would chalk it up to incompatibility.
    I already told him that I could figure out how to be okay with it. I know that maybe he just wasn't use to talking to me because of the deployment and maybe we just needed time to get use to each other again. I realize my reaction wasn't the best. But his reaction to run wasn't necessarily best either.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by [his] lobster View Post
    I'll be honest, it doesn't sound like it's related to deployment to me. The bolded sounds extremely emotionally articulate to me.

    My husband and I had some stumbling blocks that included figuring out where we stand on how much and when to expect communication. It sounds like he couldn't meet your level of need in that department. My DH felt that way at one point too, and it really came to a point where we both needed to communicate about communication. I needed to ease up on him if he couldn't talk, and he needed to let me know how much he wanted to talk even when it was impossible. We got through it and have been better than ever, but it very nearly broke us at one point. Deployed or not, if talking to you becomes stressful because he feels he's hurt you, disappointed you, etc...he's eventually going to avoid those conversations, or in the case of your DB, he's going to tell you straight up he can't meet your expectations and as much as it hurts, you aren't compatible.

    I'm sorry that you're in pain.
    Quote Originally Posted by Katayoun View Post
    Sounds like the two of you aren't compatible, imo
    ditto...honestly, I think he would've told you he was coming to California. IDK, maybe the relationship just wasn't working for him. It does sound like incompatibility imo. He may like a relationship where he doesn't have to have much contact and you seem like you may want more than what he wanted? or maybe this deployment made him rethink this relationship and it just wasn't for him? Yes its not right that he ran but maybe that's the way he breaks off relationships. Quick fast and clean for him. I would just say he's probably done. You could see if while he is in California if he does try to meet up with you but if he makes no effort, to me that would make it concrete that he's no longer into the relationship and is totally done. he may just not be relationship material. There are guys that are better off "single". He just might be one of them.
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    OP,I know this isnt what you want to hear but to take care of your own heart and step away .Continue your days without contacting him or expecting to hear from him ever again .
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    Quote Originally Posted by lovely View Post
    OP,I know this isnt what you want to hear but to take care of your own heart and step away .Continue your days without contacting him or expecting to hear from him ever again .
    This. I had a similar experience with my ex and I waited for a long time thinking he would come around because I was good to him. It's been over a year and I've never heard from him again, and I don't care anymore.

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