Lack of communication - Post Deployment

Marley · 08-06-2009, 09:13 AM

I know that nothing is wrong between us but since db has come back he has not gotten back into the routine of calling and checking in with me. I am trying to be patient but it is really hard.

He came back mid July. He is still living on post doing stuff and its 2 hrs away from me. We saw each other the day he came back but that next week he only called me once. I guess I am used to little contact and I figured he was adjusting and busy so I texted him only once (a generic hello, i love you) and then he called me once in response to that. Ok, that was week one. Week 2 same thing. We see each other in person on the weekends and it's great but during the week, he doesn't initiate phone calls. I initiate a phone call/text once a week.

It's week 3 now and he is off visiting his kids. This is total vacation time for him so I kind of expected more calls. He left Friday. He text me on Sunday and I returned the text. I called him Tuesday, he returned the call on Weds and had to go after one minute and has not called back. We will see each other this weekend.

Is this normal? It's only been three weeks. I don't think I have been pushy. Yes, I think about calling or contacting him every day but I don't do it. I am living my life and not waiting by the phone. He makes the effort to drive and see me every weekend.

At the same time, I have some needs--many of which have remained unmet over the course of the deployment. After a whole year I want to be able to call up my bf at my whim, with good reception and talk as long as we want about routine things like how was your day. It's increasingly difficult to be a chipper passion princess during the weekend because I feel ignored during the week. I just don't want my lover back. I want my friend back.

Say something? Give space? WWYD?

Zoe · 08-06-2009, 09:46 AM

sadly it does take time and yes sometimes it takes a while for guys to get back into the swing of things but if its upsetting you ,which it obviously is i would tell him.

I know when ryan was in infantry school - for 8 weeks we had no calls - he sneakly hid a cell behind a brick in the wall of his dorm but i received maybe 3 calls the entire time - when he graduated i could not contain my self!!!!! finally i would hear my honeys voice - How ****ing wrong was I ?

4 days after he left school the only contact id had was one call - which id initiated - i was gutted!

i gave him 3 more days and then still after not hearing from him i called him and between sobs explained - i can deal with no calls when you physically cant call because of school or work - but i can not deal with you not calling me when you actually can ! I mean he was sat on his cute heiny on leave in Texas, doing nothing .

He could call me 10 times a day if he wanted - he was choosing not to!! i was gutted.

So i told him so - it was good that i did, cause as soon as i pointed it out he realized he'd shut down on me , he said he had not meant to and would sort it - and from that day on he has always made an effort ( even when deployed and having only had 4 hrs down time to sleep/shower/**** /shave etc - he'd always make that call for 20 mins and take just the 3hrs 40 mins sleep/down time instead.

Marley you have been unbelievabley patient - but you are also miserable now because of it - you have to tell him!!

Marley · 08-07-2009, 10:13 AM

Thanks for the input Zoe. I appreciate it soo much. And I love your language...it is always so on point. Yes. Gutted. That's how I feel.

I am going to talk to him about it when we see each other this weekend. Monday is our 2 yr anniversary.

Zoe · 08-07-2009, 01:27 PM

Originally Posted by Marley

Thanks for the input Zoe. I appreciate it soo much. And I love your language...it is always so on point. Yes. Gutted. That's how I feel.

I am going to talk to him about it when we see each other this weekend. Monday is our 2 yr anniversary.

awwwwww! any time hon!! i just so know this situation and I know how **** you feel!!!!

So yep i think this weekend is a very good time to talk - face to face no ****ty tones, no aggressive confrontations just mildly explain how it upsets you not getting to hear from him, explain you thought that now he's not deployed you guys would get to chat more and it hurts as you would love to talk daily but feel like you should not bother him!

more than likely he'll have

moment and he'll start making more of an effort!!!

bethanybabe · 08-07-2009, 01:43 PM

I agree with Zoe. John and I went through something very similar and he really had no idea he was hurting me. I swear boys are clueless. Talk to him, thats the only way he will know whats going on in that head of yours. Good luck!

Marley · 08-09-2009, 11:51 PM

Well, the update is that we did NOT spend the weekend together because he did not come back as planned. We did talk briefly and got some issues on the table. I feel like he is being pulled backwards or something because now his ex is dating someone he has decided he hates in the span of 8 days and he wants to have the kids closer, spend more time, change the schedule, etc, etc. I'm guessing that there are usually some bumps for the dad when a potential step dad enters the picture for the first time.

I sat back and looked at the gazillion of things on his plate and my inner self threw out a pink flag. I've decided that it's in my best interest to step back a little, let him tackle his problems and get back on his feet a bit. At that point I hope that he will better able to meet my expectations and needs. I haven't verbalized that yet but it's what I've decided.

only4deshawn · 08-14-2009, 01:50 PM

I have been here and I'm still here for the most part most of the time our men don't realize communication is important in a ldr I had to explain this to my df so he can empathize with me now he calls me every chance he can today I spoke to him after 4 days of no communication because he knew I was worried the issue has to be addressed the longer you avoid it the more you go unheard and just suck it in nothing gets resolved that way.

louisa85 · 08-21-2009, 08:46 PM

OP, how is it going? I'm dealing with return from deployment and lack of communication myself now.

Whitney. · 08-21-2009, 09:02 PM

i went through this with my ex when he redeployed. i didn't hear from him for a week after he got back until i finally texted him to see what was up. he explained things to me like this, for the 15 months he'd been deployed he had to do all the calling and he thought that once he was back in the states i'd be jumping on the chance to finally be able to contact him and was upset and hurt when i didn't. i was simply giving him space. it was a major miscommunication. i think these types of things vary from person to person. have you tried asking him what he wants? maybe he wants his alone time and space, maybe he want's to feel showered with attention. i hope things get better for yall

08-06-2009, 09:13 AM	#1 (permalink)
Marley Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: North East Posts: 3,840 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 22% Longevity: 16%	Lack of communication I know that nothing is wrong between us but since db has come back he has not gotten back into the routine of calling and checking in with me. I am trying to be patient but it is really hard. He came back mid July. He is still living on post doing stuff and its 2 hrs away from me. We saw each other the day he came back but that next week he only called me once. I guess I am used to little contact and I figured he was adjusting and busy so I texted him only once (a generic hello, i love you) and then he called me once in response to that. Ok, that was week one. Week 2 same thing. We see each other in person on the weekends and it's great but during the week, he doesn't initiate phone calls. I initiate a phone call/text once a week. It's week 3 now and he is off visiting his kids. This is total vacation time for him so I kind of expected more calls. He left Friday. He text me on Sunday and I returned the text. I called him Tuesday, he returned the call on Weds and had to go after one minute and has not called back. We will see each other this weekend. Is this normal? It's only been three weeks. I don't think I have been pushy. Yes, I think about calling or contacting him every day but I don't do it. I am living my life and not waiting by the phone. He makes the effort to drive and see me every weekend. At the same time, I have some needs--many of which have remained unmet over the course of the deployment. After a whole year I want to be able to call up my bf at my whim, with good reception and talk as long as we want about routine things like how was your day. It's increasingly difficult to be a chipper passion princess during the weekend because I feel ignored during the week. I just don't want my lover back. I want my friend back. Say something? Give space? WWYD? __________________

08-07-2009, 10:13 AM	#3 (permalink)
Marley Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: North East Posts: 3,840 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 22% Longevity: 16%	Thanks for the input Zoe. I appreciate it soo much. And I love your language...it is always so on point. Yes. Gutted. That's how I feel. I am going to talk to him about it when we see each other this weekend. Monday is our 2 yr anniversary. __________________

08-09-2009, 11:51 PM	#6 (permalink)
Marley Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: North East Posts: 3,840 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 22% Longevity: 16%	Well, the update is that we did NOT spend the weekend together because he did not come back as planned. We did talk briefly and got some issues on the table. I feel like he is being pulled backwards or something because now his ex is dating someone he has decided he hates in the span of 8 days and he wants to have the kids closer, spend more time, change the schedule, etc, etc. I'm guessing that there are usually some bumps for the dad when a potential step dad enters the picture for the first time. I sat back and looked at the gazillion of things on his plate and my inner self threw out a pink flag. I've decided that it's in my best interest to step back a little, let him tackle his problems and get back on his feet a bit. At that point I hope that he will better able to meet my expectations and needs. I haven't verbalized that yet but it's what I've decided. __________________

08-21-2009, 08:46 PM	#8 (permalink)
louisa85 Instigator Extraordinaire Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 7,153 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 47% Longevity: 14%	OP, how is it going? I'm dealing with return from deployment and lack of communication myself now. __________________ Keep on keeping on.

08-21-2009, 09:02 PM	#9 (permalink)
Whitney. Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: St. Augustine, FL Posts: 3,853 Blog Entries: 2 Classifieds: (1) Activity: 8% Longevity: 18%	i went through this with my ex when he redeployed. i didn't hear from him for a week after he got back until i finally texted him to see what was up. he explained things to me like this, for the 15 months he'd been deployed he had to do all the calling and he thought that once he was back in the states i'd be jumping on the chance to finally be able to contact him and was upset and hurt when i didn't. i was simply giving him space. it was a major miscommunication. i think these types of things vary from person to person. have you tried asking him what he wants? maybe he wants his alone time and space, maybe he want's to feel showered with attention. i hope things get better for yall __________________ blue jean baby

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08-06-2009, 09:46 AM	#2 (permalink)
Zoe MilitarySOS Jewel Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: London, England Posts: 9,893 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 47% Longevity: 28%	sadly it does take time and yes sometimes it takes a while for guys to get back into the swing of things but if its upsetting you ,which it obviously is i would tell him. I know when ryan was in infantry school - for 8 weeks we had no calls - he sneakly hid a cell behind a brick in the wall of his dorm but i received maybe 3 calls the entire time - when he graduated i could not contain my self!!!!! finally i would hear my honeys voice - How **ing wrong was I ? 4 days after he left school the only contact id had was one call - which id initiated - i was gutted! i gave him 3 more days and then still after not hearing from him i called him and between sobs explained - i can deal with no calls when you physically cant call because of school or work - but i can not deal with you not calling me when you actually can ! I mean he was sat on his cute heiny on leave in Texas, doing nothing . He could call me 10 times a day if he wanted - he was choosing not to!! i was gutted. So i told him so - it was good that i did, cause as soon as i pointed it out he realized he'd shut down on me , he said he had not meant to and would sort it - and from that day on he has always made an effort ( even when deployed and having only had 4 hrs down time to sleep/shower/** /shave etc - he'd always make that call for 20 mins and take just the 3hrs 40 mins sleep/down time instead. Marley you have been unbelievabley patient - but you are also miserable now because of it - you have to tell him!!

08-07-2009, 01:43 PM	#5 (permalink)
bethanybabe Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Me-Pittsburgh PA Him-HOME Posts: 2,709 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 19% Longevity: 27%	I agree with Zoe. John and I went through something very similar and he really had no idea he was hurting me. I swear boys are clueless. Talk to him, thats the only way he will know whats going on in that head of yours. Good luck!

08-14-2009, 01:50 PM	#7 (permalink)
only4deshawn We Are Meant To Be Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: I'm in Jerzy he's in some desert. Posts: 266 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 0% Longevity: 4%	I have been here and I'm still here for the most part most of the time our men don't realize communication is important in a ldr I had to explain this to my df so he can empathize with me now he calls me every chance he can today I spoke to him after 4 days of no communication because he knew I was worried the issue has to be addressed the longer you avoid it the more you go unheard and just suck it in nothing gets resolved that way.