I'm devastated

[ami914]

deleted

[Am]

I'm going to tell it to you straight.

Sure, it's not technically "cheating", but when you leave a deployed guy to "hang out" with someone else it's just about as close as you can get. They need super-human security in a relationship. All they hear over there is how girls cheat and guys get left. You BOTH have to be confident in your relationship to get past that. He clearly isn't and thinks you'll leave him again. While I think that's understandable, I also admire your offer to take this all to counseling and work it out with him. If it were me, I wouldn't waste my time trying to hold together a relationship with someone who wasn't willing to try counseling. Take a few days to yourself.

[ami914]

I understand but that happened 3 years ago and ever since then I have been beyond supportive. I thought we worked past it. When we are actually together everything is fine.

[Am]

Originally Posted by ami914 I understand but that happened 3 years ago and ever since then I have been beyond supportive. I thought we worked past it. When we are actually together everything is fine.

You worked past it while the two of you were together and he had the security of knowing what you were doing. It's a whole different thing, I assume, once he's deployed again. I'm not sure why he waited until he was home again to tell you though. Something is fishy about that. Of all the things it could be, a few days for both of you to think about what you want couldn't hurt. Readjustment is hard.

[Songtan Sally]

Originally Posted by ami914 My Marine who just got back from Iraq is supposed to fly to see me tomorrow and now he's not coming. Last week when he first landed in the states he called me before his parents to say he was back and he immediately bought his plane tickets. Last night he calls me and says he feels really bad and doesn't think he should come. He says he relapsed in Iraq about what happened 3 years ago when he was first over there. (when i broke up with him). He says he can't stop thinking about what I did or didn't do and about the guy I was supposedly with. I never cheated on him I broke up with him to hang out with my neighbor, but it was my last semester of college and I wanted to party and I regret it. He seems to have complete amnesia over our last 2 blissful years together when we got serious and got close to our families. He again didn't say he didn't love me anymore. When I would ask if he was happy about this or misses me or whatever he just replied with that's a trick question. He said he was an a$$hole. He said he wouldn't be strong enough to do it in person (because knows he can't) so he has to chicken out and end it over the phone again. He refuses to get counseling even though he says he doesn't want to be this person who hurts the ones he loves. I really don't buy the whole he was just coming to see me for his entire leave to end it because he isn't even flying home to see his family and his dad had two major surgeries while he was deployed. He did admit that maybe it was the long distance getting to him and he didn't want to do it anymore (which I don't either, I don't want to be apart from him.) I asked him if there were any problems when we weren't long distance and he said no. He still sounds confused as ever. His words were hurtful and rehearsed again. We had been talking for the past month again and he said he was excited to see me and really missed me. By coming to see me he would remember what it was like to be with me and he's too afraid? Once again his "supportive friends" got to him. I'm just so numb right now. I can't bring myself to delete our pictures. We have a very strong connection and he's also my best friend. When he left we were looking at rings. He said he was fine. When he got over there he completely forgot everything we've been through last two years and just has absolutely no recollection because he keeps revisiting back to his last time over there. I can't believe this is happening.

Originally Posted by ami914 I understand but that happened 3 years ago and ever since then I have been beyond supportive. I thought we worked past it. When we are actually together everything is fine.

You broke up with him just so you could "hang out" with someone? Why break up for that?

"Your" Marine has been hurt once before; it makes sense that he is guarding his heart.

You may have worked past it but it obviously is not something that he has worked past. You can't force someone to love you.

[Am]

Originally Posted by Songtan Sally You broke up with him just so you could "hang out" with someone? Why break up for that? "Your" Marine has been hurt once before; it makes sense that he is guarding his heart. You may have worked past it but it obviously is not something that he has worked past. You can't force someone to love you.

Exactly. No one wants to be sloppy seconds.

[ami914]

My neighbor was a guy friend who was there. I admit, it sounds selfish but I didn't cheat. I guess when you turn 21 and you're scared of life after college you want comfort from someone there in a way. That was so long ago and I've told him all this. He has assured me over and over he was getting past it. But yesterday he was bringing up pictures of me and a couple guys from back then (who were just guys i met once at a party) and I haven't had those pictures up for 3 years! I could say well I could just as easily remember all the pictures he's put up with him and other girls salsa dancing!

[my.hero's.mrs]

I'm sorry you're devastated by this OP. It must be very tough to try and sort through his emotions on top of your own.

I agree with Sally and Carolina completely. It was a tough decision you made a couple of years ago and it sounds like he never forgot it in the first place. I don't think you could even begin to put yourself in his shoes and consider what it would feel like being left while you're spending months on end in a combat zone. Your support network just detached themselves from you, your rock that you stood on every morning when you woke up to face the day just slipped out from under you and left you to topple over and stand up on your own again. Then, everything goes back to "normal" (in your eyes, probably not in his) and you get told that another deployment is coming. He was probably leery from the start when he first received orders. Sure, you had 2 blissful years between then and now, but he probably had 2 years of struggling to forget and then was slapped in the face every day he was there this last time with the reality that you have and could leave him... again.

You know? I can't even try to understand the emotions they already go through and Carolina said it perfectly. They need super-human security in those times. I think before you can try and understand his feelings on why he can't come see you right now, you should try to understand what happened 3 years ago and how its leading to the exact reason why it might be best for you both that he doesn't.

Pictures of you and other guys provokes different emotions for him than pictures of him and girls salsa dancing. Dancing is dancing. Leaving someone while they are under the levels of stress that he was when they probably need you the most is 110% different.

[Boog's one]

Originally Posted by ami914 My neighbor was a guy friend who was there. I admit, it sounds selfish but I didn't cheat. I guess when you turn 21 and you're scared of life after college you want comfort from someone there in a way. That was so long ago and I've told him all this. He has assured me over and over he was getting past it. But yesterday he was bringing up pictures of me and a couple guys from back then (who were just guys i met once at a party) and I haven't had those pictures up for 3 years! I could say well I could just as easily remember all the pictures he's put up with him and other girls salsa dancing!

Oh op- I think that there is too much mistrust and a huge lack of communication in your relationship with him.

First you acknowledge that you made some mistakes, so the jusification of 'but I didnt cheat' is groundless. And it also makes me think real hard, Im putting myself in your marine's shoes, if my girl breaks up with me to hang out with a dude, thats like saying, my girl wants to be with him.

I just turned 21 and 'life' is scary as hell, but I dont go running to ever pillar and post to look for support, I'd stick with the man I have, regardless of where he is in the world. BUT, thats just me.

Now, you insinuate that he has a part to play in this as well, with him salsa dancing and what not, whats your point in dish out that 'dirt' on him? Are you trying to make a point that he has blame in this situation as well? (not snark, genuine question)

I do HONESTLY think that your marine is scared for having you repeating what you did and you, have to COMMUNICATE and reassure him constantly that you want this to work. Its just something that you have to do till you gain his trust back, and mind you, that might not even happen.

I think you need to calm down, take a moment and really make sure that this is what you want to fight for. Reevaluate your commitment and see how you feel after some time

[Am]

Originally Posted by ami914 My neighbor was a guy friend who was there. I admit, it sounds selfish but I didn't cheat. I guess when you turn 21 and you're scared of life after college you want comfort from someone there in a way. That was so long ago and I've told him all this. He has assured me over and over he was getting past it. But yesterday he was bringing up pictures of me and a couple guys from back then (who were just guys i met once at a party) and I haven't had those pictures up for 3 years! I could say well I could just as easily remember all the pictures he's put up with him and other girls salsa dancing!

I actually did turn 21 right before DF left. While I understand where you're coming from with that, it's not an excuse. Regardless of age, we all want someone "who is there." You just have to find the strength to look within yourself for that comfort somehow.

OP, all we're saying is try to look at it from his shoes, like Tori said. If you don't at least try to see where he's coming from with this, then you both have things you need to work on before you continue this relationship.