I'm devastated - Page 3 - Post Deployment

Am · 08-06-2009, 08:47 AM

Originally Posted by ami914

The whole "bliss" part was in reference to our two years together prior to him deploying. Once he got over there he relapsed and ended it. That was May. Then two days later he contacted me because he "had to know I was alright." Then a few weeks after that he tried calling me constantly to tell me he would be coming home early (he was supposed to be there until October.) Since then we've had daily communication (up to several emails a day) Then he gets back and everything is looking good still and now....this.

Regardless, he's been inconsistent. He's not over what happened. I don't blame him.

ami914 · 08-06-2009, 10:35 AM

I just started sobbing uncontrollably. I'm so sorry I seem like the bad guy here.

my.hero's.mrs · 08-06-2009, 02:40 PM

You ARE NOT the bad guy here nor do you seem like it IMO. I honestly feel like he just doesn't know what he wants right. He wants to forgive you and move on but he was hurt by it and is now unsure if he wants you and him again. You know? Do you think you made a mistake before? Yes, you said so. Does he think it was a mistake? Yes, apparently. I think now all you can do is give him time. Maybe write a letter (and re-write it and re-write it again, then wait 2 days and re-write it again) explaining how you feel, how you changed, how sure you are about how much you love him and want only him, and how you understand that your decision was a bad one even in its timing during a deployment... if you show him understanding and tell him you'll give him time, and then just step back until he makes his move, I think you'll have a better idea of what you can do next.

Right now he probably just wants to hang out with friends and family, clear his head, and reintegrate a bit. Deployments take HUGE adjustments. Trust me on that one. Last summer, hell... last year, was probably the most trying time DH and I went through (we were only dating then too). They just need time, patience, and support. Even if only from the shadows.

Katie1027 · 08-06-2009, 03:57 PM

I am sorry...regardless of what happened in the past, it's clear you are hurting now.

It might be true that you have to face that he may have some what forgiven you...but he can't forget it. And I'm sure being home from a deployment is stirring up all kinds of emotions and he is forced to face and deal with them.

I agree, write a letter, and rewrite it and rewrite it again. And if you can make it a real letter and not email...more personal.
And then give him the space,and just take care of you. I understand you love him, but at some point in time you may have to face that this may not be the one. Cut the losses, learn the lesson, let the heart heal and move forward.

Relationships of any kind are never easy.

I wish you the best. I can guarantee one thing...life does go on.

Lori

LoveDisappears · 08-06-2009, 04:14 PM

I don't think I can buy his story about this having to do with the past if it was 3 years ago and he's been fine since.. IMO it seems like an excuse/cop out for something else..

I'm sorry you're going through this.

miss_kara · 08-06-2009, 04:16 PM

Originally Posted by Songtan Sally

You broke up with him just so you could "hang out" with someone? Why break up for that?

"Your" Marine has been hurt once before; it makes sense that he is guarding his heart.

You may have worked past it but it obviously is not something that he has worked past. You can't force someone to love you.

EXACTLY!!!

NocturneSiren · 08-06-2009, 04:37 PM

The first thing that came to my mind was that, IRL at least, I've always heard it is better to end it before it comes to cheating. Is it still hurtful? Yes, but I am not going to villainize you over it. I also don't buy that something that happened three years ago is reason enough now...but it's irrelevant what I think since I'm not him. Essentially, you started over with a clean slate (or should have) two years ago. He broke up with you when he left, only to get back together (did you actually reunite?)??? First, it seems like you possibly could have seen this one coming. Second, he's dealing with distrust, reintegration, and well, reality checks. Unfortunately, there isn't really anything you can do at this point. He will fight for you (being the two of you) or he won't. Essentially, you can tell him how you feel (in very short and to the point form), that you will give him some space, but you won't wait around forever. Then, and I mean this, begin moving on. If he comes around, it will take some time for you both to trust that you won't get hurt again. So, having a little bit of emotional distance can actually clarify your perceptions.

HTH!

NocturneSiren · 08-06-2009, 04:40 PM

Oh, and taking down the pictures is a double-edged sword. It wasn't effective in helping me move on from broken relationships. I just had to cry it out and let time take over. If you do remove them, it could speak volumes to him and leave things open to misinterpretation. If it helps you, then I definitely recommend doing so, regardless of how he perceives the action.

08-06-2009, 02:40 PM	#23 (permalink)
my.hero's.mrs Not even the Army can shatter my spirit. Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Italy Posts: 12,082 Blog Entries: 1 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 0% Longevity: 33%	You ARE NOT the bad guy here nor do you seem like it IMO. I honestly feel like he just doesn't know what he wants right. He wants to forgive you and move on but he was hurt by it and is now unsure if he wants you and him again. You know? Do you think you made a mistake before? Yes, you said so. Does he think it was a mistake? Yes, apparently. I think now all you can do is give him time. Maybe write a letter (and re-write it and re-write it again, then wait 2 days and re-write it again) explaining how you feel, how you changed, how sure you are about how much you love him and want only him, and how you understand that your decision was a bad one even in its timing during a deployment... if you show him understanding and tell him you'll give him time, and then just step back until he makes his move, I think you'll have a better idea of what you can do next. Right now he probably just wants to hang out with friends and family, clear his head, and reintegrate a bit. Deployments take HUGE adjustments. Trust me on that one. Last summer, hell... last year, was probably the most trying time DH and I went through (we were only dating then too). They just need time, patience, and support. Even if only from the shadows. __________________

08-06-2009, 04:14 PM	#25 (permalink)
LoveDisappears ..is brought to you by the letters W.T.F.! Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 14,698 Classifieds: (3) Activity: 61% Longevity: 26%	I don't think I can buy his story about this having to do with the past if it was 3 years ago and he's been fine since.. IMO it seems like an excuse/cop out for something else.. I'm sorry you're going through this. __________________ Loves her Beautiful Wifey, Liegh. 12.05.08 KennyB = Greatness!

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08-06-2009, 10:35 AM	#22 (permalink)
ami914 Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Indianapolis Posts: 24 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 0% Longevity: 12%	I just started sobbing uncontrollably. I'm so sorry I seem like the bad guy here.

08-06-2009, 03:57 PM	#24 (permalink)
Katie1027 it's only my screen name Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 133 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 0% Longevity: 10%	I am sorry...regardless of what happened in the past, it's clear you are hurting now. It might be true that you have to face that he may have some what forgiven you...but he can't forget it. And I'm sure being home from a deployment is stirring up all kinds of emotions and he is forced to face and deal with them. I agree, write a letter, and rewrite it and rewrite it again. And if you can make it a real letter and not email...more personal. And then give him the space,and just take care of you. I understand you love him, but at some point in time you may have to face that this may not be the one. Cut the losses, learn the lesson, let the heart heal and move forward. Relationships of any kind are never easy. I wish you the best. I can guarantee one thing...life does go on. Lori

08-06-2009, 04:37 PM	#27 (permalink)
NocturneSiren MilitarySOS Jewel Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 6,892 Classifieds: (1) Activity: 1% Longevity: 36%	The first thing that came to my mind was that, IRL at least, I've always heard it is better to end it before it comes to cheating. Is it still hurtful? Yes, but I am not going to villainize you over it. I also don't buy that something that happened three years ago is reason enough now...but it's irrelevant what I think since I'm not him. Essentially, you started over with a clean slate (or should have) two years ago. He broke up with you when he left, only to get back together (did you actually reunite?)??? First, it seems like you possibly could have seen this one coming. Second, he's dealing with distrust, reintegration, and well, reality checks. Unfortunately, there isn't really anything you can do at this point. He will fight for you (being the two of you) or he won't. Essentially, you can tell him how you feel (in very short and to the point form), that you will give him some space, but you won't wait around forever. Then, and I mean this, begin moving on. If he comes around, it will take some time for you both to trust that you won't get hurt again. So, having a little bit of emotional distance can actually clarify your perceptions. HTH!

08-06-2009, 04:40 PM	#28 (permalink)
NocturneSiren MilitarySOS Jewel Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 6,892 Classifieds: (1) Activity: 1% Longevity: 36%	Oh, and taking down the pictures is a double-edged sword. It wasn't effective in helping me move on from broken relationships. I just had to cry it out and let time take over. If you do remove them, it could speak volumes to him and leave things open to misinterpretation. If it helps you, then I definitely recommend doing so, regardless of how he perceives the action.