Finding out about pre-deployment cheating...post-deployment

[calgirl09]

My boyfriend has been back for about 2 months now from deployment. We have been having the arguing and distance issue that everyone seems to be talking about. But on top of that, I just found out that he had cheated on me once right before leaving for Iraq (while he was in Texas waiting to leave). We have a complicated history...were just dating and not officially "together" before he left but it was understood that we were exclusively dating. We became official while he was in Iraq and had been building the relationship for the rest of his deployment. What do you do when you find out about something that happened a year ago? I can't comprehend why he did it. Anyone who has been through this please help!

[redhead_navygf]

I'm sure you said it but did he sleep with the other person before you were 'exclusive'? I know you say you were just dating so can it really be cheating? I know that sounds cruel.. but just curious how you would define cheating in a non-exclusive relationship. Can it be forgiven and forgotten if it was before the 'official' time?

I wish I could advise you, but I'm afraid I can't... I hope you get some helpful advice though.

P.S. I pray that doesn't sound mean -- I swear I'm not!

[louisa85]

[MadlyDeeplyTruly]

Originally Posted by redhead_navygf I'm sure you said it but did he sleep with the other person before you were 'exclusive'? I know you say you were just dating so can it really be cheating? I know that sounds cruel.. but just curious how you would define cheating in a non-exclusive relationship. Can it be forgiven and forgotten if it was before the 'official' time?

I took it as "exclusive" but not "official", but those were always synonymous for me, so I'm a little confused myself.

[calgirl09]

Yeah it was synonymous to me too. He did sleep with her. Is it something forgivable? I don't know what it's like to be about to deploy for the first time... fear? Before he left, I remember him saying he was scared of all this change, that he might not come back the same, that we might change. He said it was no excuse but "he was going to Iraq and didn't think he was gonna come back". He obviously changed while he was there and realized what he had, that's why we became "official". I feel like a fool for being there for him for a whole year, not knowing what he did. He says he feels like a fool too and wishes he could take it all back and that it meant nothing. He apologized many times but I went off on him when I realized how disgusted I was and now we haven't talked to each other for almost a week. I wish he was trying to talk to me, to make me feel better but everyone says he doesn't know what to say to me and is just giving me time. I think there is a bunch of other stuff that he is dealing with post deployment too, always saying that life is short and he doesn't want to be fighting or dealing with "drama" all the time. When I should be mad, I'm busy worrying that this is the end. What do you guys think? Any hope for us??

[mushortgurl03]

When my DH and I got back together...well when we were "talking" again his current ex (the girl he got with as a rebound after our initial breakup) started saying that he was cheating on me with her. I told him that we weren't official so what he did was none of my concern so long as we were just "talking/dating" again and not sleeping with each other. Once we started sleeping with each other, THAT's when I have to know what's going on. He always denies even hooking up with her...and to be honest, I don't care because we weren't together at the time. Now, the moment he said "Michelle I want us to work this out again, and I want to give this another go, can we be exclusive" is the moment that I cared about him chilling with the rebound *****. Since then, no problems.

I personally don't think you can hold him accountable for it, however it really depends on how you feel and your history with him. If you are this upset about it and you think it's cheating, then it's cheating and you have to tell him how you feel. This is a Rachel vs. Ross fight from friends. .

[redhead_navygf]

Originally Posted by calgirl09 Yeah it was synonymous to me too. He did sleep with her. Is it something forgivable? I don't know what it's like to be about to deploy for the first time... fear? Before he left, I remember him saying he was scared of all this change, that he might not come back the same, that we might change. He said it was no excuse but "he was going to Iraq and didn't think he was gonna come back". He obviously changed while he was there and realized what he had, that's why we became "official". I feel like a fool for being there for him for a whole year, not knowing what he did. He says he feels like a fool too and wishes he could take it all back and that it meant nothing. He apologized many times but I went off on him when I realized how disgusted I was and now we haven't talked to each other for almost a week. I wish he was trying to talk to me, to make me feel better but everyone says he doesn't know what to say to me and is just giving me time. I think there is a bunch of other stuff that he is dealing with post deployment too, always saying that life is short and he doesn't want to be fighting or dealing with "drama" all the time. When I should be mad, I'm busy worrying that this is the end. What do you guys think? Any hope for us??

Right now, stop NOT talking. Communication is key. Please please please talk to him if he's not talking to you. I realize he's dealing with post-deployment stuff and he apparently feels sorry about doing the action. But worrying won't get you anywhere. Talk to him about this, about your concerns. If he wants to make the relationship work, he'll listen. I wouldn't worry about ending anything until you t-a-l-k

[AirmanHallsGirl]

Originally Posted by calgirl09 Yeah it was synonymous to me too. He did sleep with her. Is it something forgivable? I don't know what it's like to be about to deploy for the first time... fear? Before he left, I remember him saying he was scared of all this change, that he might not come back the same, that we might change. He said it was no excuse but "he was going to Iraq and didn't think he was gonna come back". He obviously changed while he was there and realized what he had, that's why we became "official". I feel like a fool for being there for him for a whole year, not knowing what he did. He says he feels like a fool too and wishes he could take it all back and that it meant nothing. He apologized many times but I went off on him when I realized how disgusted I was and now we haven't talked to each other for almost a week. I wish he was trying to talk to me, to make me feel better but everyone says he doesn't know what to say to me and is just giving me time. I think there is a bunch of other stuff that he is dealing with post deployment too, always saying that life is short and he doesn't want to be fighting or dealing with "drama" all the time. When I should be mad, I'm busy worrying that this is the end. What do you guys think? Any hope for us??

Honestly, that is for you two to decide. Is this something that you can forgive and forget about because it sounds like it really bothers you? Did you two talk about how you were not going to see other people? I don't know. You are the expert on your relationship, more so then anyone else on this board. I guess the most important question is if you can forgive him and move on? Will you be able to trust him?

[calgirl09]

Shouldn't he be the one calling me? We have only communicated through text since I found out about it. He texted his apology...instead of calling...lame! I gave him an earful of what I think about the situation but it was all through text too. Basically I said there are a bunch of other things that he needs to change about himself besides this, because he is unhappy and we fight all the time. Trust me I have been there for him through thick and thin, but he is one of those who has just always had issues, even before deployment. I feel like he has a lot of proving to do...and that he should be the one calling me to do it. Since he's not, I feel like he doesn't even care so why should I do anything about it. I would only be forcing myself on him for something he's not ready for wouldn't I? He was the one who messed up...should I be the one running after him? Am I being too impatient? Too stubborn?

[redhead_navygf]

Originally Posted by calgirl09 Shouldn't he be the one calling me? We have only communicated through text since I found out about it. He texted his apology...instead of calling...lame! I gave him an earful of what I think about the situation but it was all through text too. Basically I said there are a bunch of other things that he needs to change about himself besides this, because he is unhappy and we fight all the time. Trust me I have been there for him through thick and thin, but he is one of those who has just always had issues, even before deployment. I feel like he has a lot of proving to do...and that he should be the one calling me to do it. Since he's not, I feel like he doesn't even care so why should I do anything about it. I would only be forcing myself on him for something he's not ready for wouldn't I? He was the one who messed up...should I be the one running after him? Am I being too impatient? Too stubborn?

I think if it's bothering you that much and neither are willing to talk, you should probably get out of the relationship and avoid any more issues. There are always better, more caring guys out there. Good luck with whatever you decide to do