Distant, Short Fuse, Awkward... - Post Deployment

J_Conk · 05-27-2009, 11:54 AM

DB has been home for about a month now. I've done everything that everyone says. I give him all the space he wants, I don't force anything on him, or make him feel like he has to do anything. I'm there to talk, but I don't constantly nag... But he's still having trouble.
We fight ALL the time... about the STUPIDEST things. (I had typed out a scenario, but then this post got WAY too long, so I took it out... I want people to actually read this... lol) I figured out that when we fight I need to give him space, and not force him to talk to me... That was hard. He said he called some hotline that the Army gave him, and thats what they said he should do, just walk away, so I'm ok with that, even if I hate it.
That was all about 2 weeks ago, but he still has a pretty short fuse. He's always very awkward... He doesn't like doing nothing. I know that comes from the regimented lifestyle he got used to over there, but now it's been a month and he doesn't really seem to be getting better from that.
All of that aside, I really thought he was getting better... Little by little... He went to Las Vegas this weekend with the guys, (he was supposed to go on a vacation with me too, to a bed and breakfast upstate... but that never happened...... I didn't say anything though) he seemed really happy. And then Memorial Day happened.
He went to a ceremony at the Vietnam Memorial thats near us on Memorial Day, I wasn't there, I didn't know he was going, but he told me he had to leave only a little while into it because he got so upset. He told me he wasn't expecting that at all. That's all he said. Then, last night, we were driving around the neighborhood listening to this audiobook he bought. It's very good, it's by a comedian, but toward the end he goes into this tribute to the troops. It was very nice, saying how they deserve respect, and help, and should get whatever they need when they get home. I was smiling, thinking it was really nice, and I looked over at DB and he was crying. I asked him if he was ok and he said yes. I asked if he wanted to pull over and talk about anything, and he said no and that the book just hit home a little. He turned off the book and we drove around in silence. I didn't know what to do... After a little while I tried to rub his neck for him, but he shrugged me away. So I left it, after a few more minutes (I swear I wasn't pushing, there's a lot of space between these) he was driving with one hand, so I put my hand on the hand he had on his lap. He squeezed it for a second and then said "I'm sorry" and let go and drove with 2 hands. After another long time he asked if it was ok if he drove me home. I said yes, and then we started talking a little... He said he was sorry, and he doesn't know what's going on or what to do. I guess my PMSing came out because I started crying... I told him I really wanted to help him, and I would do anything I could. But he said he doesn't know how to help himself right now, and he told me if there's anything I could do, he'd tell me. I guess we're talking...sort of... Which is good for US, but I'm still worried about HIM. What can I do? I give him space, I don't force, I try my VERY hardest not to let things get to me. What else is there? It's been a month. When do I get my boyfriend back? When do I get to cuddle again? I know things won't be NORMAL for a long time... But I just want a little bit...

louisa85 · 05-27-2009, 12:18 PM

J_Conk · 05-27-2009, 12:53 PM

Originally Posted by louisa85

Thank you

PeppermintRei · 05-28-2009, 07:17 AM

I wish there was an easy set of answers to these problems. The thing is, you are doing what you can. You can encourage him and support him but he has to figure it out himself. He may need to seek counseling, either by calling military one source or by being referred through his health insurance. It sounds like he's having trouble dealing with being back home, he's realized he's changed, and he's coming to grips with the shock of being back in a normal setting again.

He needs to find someone to talk to. Sometimes SO's aren't the right people because they are afraid of seeming weak, or of telling you what they saw or of being though silly or stupid. That's why counselors are good, because they are safe to talk to.

J_Conk · 05-28-2009, 08:33 AM

Originally Posted by PeppermintRei

I wish there was an easy set of answers to these problems. The thing is, you are doing what you can. You can encourage him and support him but he has to figure it out himself. He may need to seek counseling, either by calling military one source or by being referred through his health insurance. It sounds like he's having trouble dealing with being back home, he's realized he's changed, and he's coming to grips with the shock of being back in a normal setting again.

He needs to find someone to talk to. Sometimes SO's aren't the right people because they are afraid of seeming weak, or of telling you what they saw or of being though silly or stupid. That's why counselors are good, because they are safe to talk to.

Thank you very much. He's called the phone number, but I think he called because of the short temper problem he was having, I hope he calls again. I'm not sure yet how much he'd like me suggesting that he talk to someone. I think he knows that he needs to and probably won't tell me when he does.

Thank you so much for your response. It means a lot to me. I really needed to vent all that. I'm so worried and db is reserves so we don't really have any friends around who are military-involved at all, so it seems extra hard. Thanks again.

Marley · 05-30-2009, 10:10 PM

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Patience · 06-12-2009, 11:24 AM

There is a PTSD forum on this site too, and groups of women dealing with combat PTSD at http://cptsdathome.yuku.com and http://livingwithptsd.yuku.com/
and a lot of information at my website http://www.patiencepress.com including a lot of articles. If he has PTSD they will help and if he is just having post-deployment troubles they will help too.

05-27-2009, 11:54 AM	#1 (permalink)
J_Conk He's finally home :) Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: New York Posts: 1,005 Blog Entries: 17 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 0% Longevity: 24%	Distant, Short Fuse, Awkward... DB has been home for about a month now. I've done everything that everyone says. I give him all the space he wants, I don't force anything on him, or make him feel like he has to do anything. I'm there to talk, but I don't constantly nag... But he's still having trouble. We fight ALL the time... about the STUPIDEST things. (I had typed out a scenario, but then this post got WAY too long, so I took it out... I want people to actually read this... lol) I figured out that when we fight I need to give him space, and not force him to talk to me... That was hard. He said he called some hotline that the Army gave him, and thats what they said he should do, just walk away, so I'm ok with that, even if I hate it. That was all about 2 weeks ago, but he still has a pretty short fuse. He's always very awkward... He doesn't like doing nothing. I know that comes from the regimented lifestyle he got used to over there, but now it's been a month and he doesn't really seem to be getting better from that. All of that aside, I really thought he was getting better... Little by little... He went to Las Vegas this weekend with the guys, (he was supposed to go on a vacation with me too, to a bed and breakfast upstate... but that never happened...... I didn't say anything though) he seemed really happy. And then Memorial Day happened. He went to a ceremony at the Vietnam Memorial thats near us on Memorial Day, I wasn't there, I didn't know he was going, but he told me he had to leave only a little while into it because he got so upset. He told me he wasn't expecting that at all. That's all he said. Then, last night, we were driving around the neighborhood listening to this audiobook he bought. It's very good, it's by a comedian, but toward the end he goes into this tribute to the troops. It was very nice, saying how they deserve respect, and help, and should get whatever they need when they get home. I was smiling, thinking it was really nice, and I looked over at DB and he was crying. I asked him if he was ok and he said yes. I asked if he wanted to pull over and talk about anything, and he said no and that the book just hit home a little. He turned off the book and we drove around in silence. I didn't know what to do... After a little while I tried to rub his neck for him, but he shrugged me away. So I left it, after a few more minutes (I swear I wasn't pushing, there's a lot of space between these) he was driving with one hand, so I put my hand on the hand he had on his lap. He squeezed it for a second and then said "I'm sorry" and let go and drove with 2 hands. After another long time he asked if it was ok if he drove me home. I said yes, and then we started talking a little... He said he was sorry, and he doesn't know what's going on or what to do. I guess my PMSing came out because I started crying... I told him I really wanted to help him, and I would do anything I could. But he said he doesn't know how to help himself right now, and he told me if there's anything I could do, he'd tell me. I guess we're talking...sort of... Which is good for US, but I'm still worried about HIM. What can I do? I give him space, I don't force, I try my VERY hardest not to let things get to me. What else is there? It's been a month. When do I get my boyfriend back? When do I get to cuddle again? I know things won't be NORMAL for a long time... But I just want a little bit... __________________ Religious Liberals - We exist He's Home!!!!

05-27-2009, 12:18 PM	#2 (permalink)
louisa85 Instigator Extraordinaire Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 7,153 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 47% Longevity: 14%	__________________ Keep on keeping on.

05-30-2009, 10:10 PM	#6 (permalink)
Marley Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: North East Posts: 3,840 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 22% Longevity: 16%	I'm sorry you're going through this. __________________

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06-12-2009, 11:24 AM	#7 (permalink)
Patience Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 27 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 4% Longevity: 7%	There is a PTSD forum on this site too, and groups of women dealing with combat PTSD at http://cptsdathome.yuku.com and http://livingwithptsd.yuku.com/ and a lot of information at my website http://www.patiencepress.com including a lot of articles. If he has PTSD they will help and if he is just having post-deployment troubles they will help too.