Cheating versus Stress

[REH506]

Hi all! I am really hoping someone can help me sort through all the confusion going on in my head and heart. My boyfriend came back from his year long deployment on the 26th and I left KY to come back home on the 30th. The last few days we spent together were really rough. We had dated for 6 months a few years ago and have been on and off for the past few years. While he was deployed he said he wanted to get back together as he realized I was the only one who has ever really been there for him and that he has always loved me. I feel the same and was so happy we were giving it another shot. The problem I am facing now is I understand how right now he needs his space and needs all the correct help to readjust to life here appropriately but I am constantly worrying if hes cheating. The reason being the day before I left to come home he tested me more than ever before. He does not have a history of cheating nor did I ever think he would do so to me. Long story short I found messages to some girl over the course of 24hours and lets just say the conversation was extremely inappropriate for someone in a relationship. (Ie: I want pictures of you, to hang out with you and cuddle, etc) Some of the messages were quite bad and made me practically physically sick. When I confronted him about it he said he got mad at me for asking too many questions about stuff and wanted to basically teach me a lesson. He said he knew I would find those messages. I was really upset and then he felt bad that he went about it that way. He just kept saying that all he wants is me but he wants me to trust him. Which I did until that happened. Whats hard is the girl who he was messaging is in the Army with him and lives in KY. She knows he has a girlfriend yet kept responding to him and encouraging this behavior. I just dont know what to think. Is there a good chance hes going to cheat on me? Or is this something that really does happen frequently when soldiers come home from deployment? I know they are struggling with emotions and what not but I just dont know where to draw the line.

[*MarineBug*]

If my Husband/Boyfriend/Fiance intentionally hurt me like he did to you, thats where I would draw the line. Do you honestly think he did that to hurt you. Or do you think he got busted and wanted to put the blame on you because he was guilty. Its a common way for people to try and relieve themselves from the responsibility. So because you punishes you when you ask questions does that mean you are not allowed to discuss this with him? Do you have to suffer because you are afraid he will intentionally hurt you again. Lots to think about. Sorry you are having such a rough time. Just because someone comes home from a deployment or is leaving for one does not give them the right to treat others around them poorly.

[lovemachine]

From experience....don't put up with that...there is NO excuse for that kind of behavior...it happened to me...it NEVER changed...it just kept happening...he made an excuse for his behavior instead of owning up and saying sorry..he turned the tables on you...this is NOT your fault...

Before you invest too much time really think about whether this is something you want...military relationships especially LDR require 100% trust and without it you will slowly begin to fall apart

[NavyKat]

No should ever intentionally hurt you... especially someone who loves you
The "wanting to teach you a lesson" is a big red flag. He is turning things around so you feel guilty for his behavior... Not cool
I'm sorry he is doing this
If I was you I would sit him down and let him know that he needs to treat you with respect and that he crossed the line. If he doesn't do an immediate 180, you need to really reconsider your relationship.

Before you invest too much time really think about whether this is something you want...military relationships especially LDR require 100% trust and without it you will slowly begin to fall apart

good luck hun

[Roxie0816]

with what everyone posted...if he's going to play games and "test" you....IN MY VERY HONEST OPINION- he's really immature and you shouldnt be in this relationship.

[Kitten35]

Originally Posted by *MarineBug420* If my Husband/Boyfriend/Fiance intentionally hurt me like he did to you, thats where I would draw the line. Do you honestly think he did that to hurt you. Or do you think he got busted and wanted to put the blame on you because he was guilty. Its a common way for people to try and relieve themselves from the responsibility. So because you punishes you when you ask questions does that mean you are not allowed to discuss this with him? Do you have to suffer because you are afraid he will intentionally hurt you again. Lots to think about. Sorry you are having such a rough time. Just because someone comes home from a deployment or is leaving for one does not give them the right to treat others around them poorly.

I agree.

[Ducky]

Originally Posted by REH506 Hi all! I am really hoping someone can help me sort through all the confusion going on in my head and heart. My boyfriend came back from his year long deployment on the 26th and I left KY to come back home on the 30th. The last few days we spent together were really rough. We had dated for 6 months a few years ago and have been on and off for the past few years. While he was deployed he said he wanted to get back together as he realized I was the only one who has ever really been there for him and that he has always loved me. I feel the same and was so happy we were giving it another shot. The problem I am facing now is I understand how right now he needs his space and needs all the correct help to readjust to life here appropriately but I am constantly worrying if hes cheating. The reason being the day before I left to come home he tested me more than ever before. He does not have a history of cheating nor did I ever think he would do so to me. Long story short I found messages to some girl over the course of 24hours and lets just say the conversation was extremely inappropriate for someone in a relationship. (Ie: I want pictures of you, to hang out with you and cuddle, etc) Some of the messages were quite bad and made me practically physically sick. When I confronted him about it he said he got mad at me for asking too many questions about stuff and wanted to basically teach me a lesson. He said he knew I would find those messages. I was really upset and then he felt bad that he went about it that way. He just kept saying that all he wants is me but he wants me to trust him. Which I did until that happened. Whats hard is the girl who he was messaging is in the Army with him and lives in KY. She knows he has a girlfriend yet kept responding to him and encouraging this behavior. I just dont know what to think. Is there a good chance hes going to cheat on me? Or is this something that really does happen frequently when soldiers come home from deployment? I know they are struggling with emotions and what not but I just dont know where to draw the line.

No that is not a standard reaction to coming home from a deployment, if he isn't already cheating on you then the chances are high that he will. He's stringing you along, don't let him play that game.

[kimly]

Originally Posted by Roxie0816 with what everyone posted...if he's going to play games and "test" you....IN MY VERY HONEST OPINION- he's really immature and you shouldnt be in this relationship.

I would be running in the opposite direction, games are not a good thing in relationships.

[Kacy]

There's no way I could trust him after that. Even if he honestly was trying to teach you a "lesson" he went about it the wrong way. Shady game playing is not how one earns trust. IMO, cheating is something that you wouldn't do in front of the other person. I don't know if that applies to your relationship b/c he says he 'knew you'd find the texts', but since that girl is in the army with him...It seems to me he's just screwed himself because you will always be wondering about them. I'm sorry he's being lame. I wouldn't put up with that behavior or associate it to getting back in the swing of things at home!

[LoveDisappears]

Originally Posted by *MarineBug420* If my Husband/Boyfriend/Fiance intentionally hurt me like he did to you, thats where I would draw the line. Do you honestly think he did that to hurt you. Or do you think he got busted and wanted to put the blame on you because he was guilty. Its a common way for people to try and relieve themselves from the responsibility. So because you punishes you when you ask questions does that mean you are not allowed to discuss this with him? Do you have to suffer because you are afraid he will intentionally hurt you again. Lots to think about. Sorry you are having such a rough time. Just because someone comes home from a deployment or is leaving for one does not give them the right to treat others around them poorly.

I agree with all of it, esp the bolded. Someone has to have some serious issues to do that on purpose just to 'test you'. In my honest opinion, in what i would think if it were me.. that his story is BS, and that he was just using that excuse as a cover.