I'm having some issues - Post Deployment

Rain. · 08-27-2008, 12:41 PM

I'm having a really hard time adjusting to him being home. At first it was him and now it's me. You would think after a month things would be back to normal. For the most part they are, Im having a really really hard time letting go of full control.

Me and DH are complete opposites and usually it works for us. We parent different, do things differently, handle situations different, etc. So if a situation comes up one of us can handle it correctly. He's sometimes the calm one and i flip out or the other way around.

Things are good in all areas except the kids. For some reason I can't ease up on him and let him handle stuff his way. I try not to nit pick at him and keep in mind its me not him with the problem.

i don't know how to ease my inner mama bear lol. Sometimes he'll go to discipline the kids and I feel like I want to totally snap. Like some stranger is trying to discipline.

Anyone else have issues with their SO and letting go of control when they came back?
Sorry for the ramble, there is a screeching toddler in my ear (gotta love when they learn that noise)

Capt.Obvious · 08-27-2008, 12:45 PM

That was the hardest thing for me when DH got home. I hated seeing someone else handle our son. I was used to being the discaplinarian, the nuturer, the provider, everything. It was really hard to let go.

my.hero's.mrs · 08-27-2008, 12:48 PM

Rain, consider that he was gone for 15 months. I definitely don't think it will take just one month for everything to click into place, KWIM? I think what you're going through is really normal.

I don't have that issue with kids, just with little things around the house. I've been independent and living on my own for a year now basically. Well, 9-ish months anyway. Day in, day out I did everything MY way. So having DF here doing tasks a different way than I would is difficult. I find myself watching me do the dishes, I re-fold the laundry, I re-sweep the floor. We need to just learn to leave the room and let them handle it for now until we are able to know when its appropriate to jump in and help.

amazinggrace · 08-27-2008, 12:53 PM

I think that is truly the hardest part. You have done everything for over a year. You have a system, a way of handling it. Heck, it might not even always be the right way, but it's your way and that is the way it's done.

The only thing that works for me (at first) is to walk away. If he is handling it then go outside, go to a diffrent room, hop on here do something to complelty distract, and after a while you will not need to do that anymore, it will seem natural again.

I hope that made a little bit of sense.

flowerchild · 08-27-2008, 12:53 PM

I'm sure what you're feeling is completely normal. DH and I don't have kids (for another 5 weeks), but I feel that way about other things. Sometimes I have issues with the way he deals with the dogs, or the way he picks up after himself (or doesn't pick up after himself), or where he sets things in the house. It's like learning to live together again every time he comes home. And it takes a while for me to let go. I have to keep reminding myself "He hasn't been here, but he lives here too. These are his things too, this is his space too."
Have you tried talking to him about it? Last time DH came home I was really bad. I ended up apologizing and telling him that I was having problems. It really helped because he just didn't understand why I was so *****y until I explained it. Things got better because he was a little more mindful and helped me be more mindful of my behavior as well.
Good luck! You know I love ya!

Holly M. · 08-27-2008, 12:55 PM

It is understandable. I think you are doing the best you can, and it will go back to "normal" at some point. It can't just all bounce back like nothing happened.

I think your doing great.

Berkley · 08-27-2008, 01:00 PM

That was the one of our biggest issues. Me letting go and allowing him to parent.
He was gone along time Rain. The kids have changed. Your parenting has changed. Maybe try sitting down and coming up with plans on how to tackle each issue. That way you'll know what's going to happen in situations.

JKirstiH · 08-27-2008, 01:08 PM

I have a hard time adjusting becuase I am bossy. I get in the deployment mode and get used to things being a certain way. I just have to remind myself how glad I am to have him home and his socks on the floor. How all those times I missed him and wished I had him to talk to. It's hard to let them go about what they are doing if you "know" you are doing the "right" thing or the "right" way.
KWIM?
I wish I had good advice other than time and A LOT of patience

I am here if you ever need talk.

Rain. · 08-27-2008, 02:25 PM

Thanks everyone. Im glad Im not just a control freak.
It's definitely been a issue (for me). I try to bite my tongue cuz its like they are his kids too and he has a say in how they are raised. Im hoping my 10 days away will help him understand why I am so strict and set in my ways with certain things. Esp since I'll be gone right after school starts lol

BJo · 08-27-2008, 02:31 PM

You were basically a single parent for a year so of course the adjustment would be hard. It's like having full control and then all of a sudden you have someone you have to share that control with. You get into a routine and when that is broken it is incredibly disrupting.

Give it time. That's all you can do.

08-27-2008, 12:41 PM	#1 (permalink)
Rain. MilitarySOS Jewel Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 19,156 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 36% Longevity: 35%	I'm having some issues I'm having a really hard time adjusting to him being home. At first it was him and now it's me. You would think after a month things would be back to normal. For the most part they are, Im having a really really hard time letting go of full control. Me and DH are complete opposites and usually it works for us. We parent different, do things differently, handle situations different, etc. So if a situation comes up one of us can handle it correctly. He's sometimes the calm one and i flip out or the other way around. Things are good in all areas except the kids. For some reason I can't ease up on him and let him handle stuff his way. I try not to nit pick at him and keep in mind its me not him with the problem. i don't know how to ease my inner mama bear lol. Sometimes he'll go to discipline the kids and I feel like I want to totally snap. Like some stranger is trying to discipline. Anyone else have issues with their SO and letting go of control when they came back? Sorry for the ramble, there is a screeching toddler in my ear (gotta love when they learn that noise) __________________

08-27-2008, 12:45 PM	#2 (permalink)
Capt.Obvious Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Tinker AFB, OK Posts: 18,224 Classifieds: (4) Activity: 52% Longevity: 30%	That was the hardest thing for me when DH got home. I hated seeing someone else handle our son. I was used to being the discaplinarian, the nuturer, the provider, everything. It was really hard to let go. __________________ Happy Thanksgiving! I am a Scentsy consultant! If you'd like information on products or becoming a consultant, please PM me or visit my website My Scentsy site

08-27-2008, 12:48 PM	#3 (permalink)
my.hero's.mrs Not even the Army can shatter my spirit. Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Italy Posts: 12,079 Blog Entries: 1 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 34% Longevity: 29%	Rain, consider that he was gone for 15 months. I definitely don't think it will take just one month for everything to click into place, KWIM? I think what you're going through is really normal. I don't have that issue with kids, just with little things around the house. I've been independent and living on my own for a year now basically. Well, 9-ish months anyway. Day in, day out I did everything MY way. So having DF here doing tasks a different way than I would is difficult. I find myself watching me do the dishes, I re-fold the laundry, I re-sweep the floor. We need to just learn to leave the room and let them handle it for now until we are able to know when its appropriate to jump in and help. __________________

08-27-2008, 12:53 PM	#5 (permalink)
flowerchild I'm a superhero. You may call me Super Cheese. Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Fort Lewis, WA Posts: 6,750 Classifieds: (1) Activity: 0% Longevity: 40%	I'm sure what you're feeling is completely normal. DH and I don't have kids (for another 5 weeks), but I feel that way about other things. Sometimes I have issues with the way he deals with the dogs, or the way he picks up after himself (or doesn't pick up after himself), or where he sets things in the house. It's like learning to live together again every time he comes home. And it takes a while for me to let go. I have to keep reminding myself "He hasn't been here, but he lives here too. These are his things too, this is his space too." Have you tried talking to him about it? Last time DH came home I was really bad. I ended up apologizing and telling him that I was having problems. It really helped because he just didn't understand why I was so *****y until I explained it. Things got better because he was a little more mindful and helped me be more mindful of my behavior as well. Good luck! You know I love ya! __________________ My Blog My Unicreatures

08-27-2008, 12:55 PM	#6 (permalink)
Holly M. Dreaming of him, till he comes home Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Me- MI Him: Iraq Posts: 2,962 Blog Entries: 1 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 0% Longevity: 29%	It is understandable. I think you are doing the best you can, and it will go back to "normal" at some point. It can't just all bounce back like nothing happened. I think your doing great. __________________ [/img] [COLOR="Blue"No more Ticker! Hes back! [/COLOR]

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08-27-2008, 12:53 PM	#4 (permalink)
amazinggrace Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 10,202 Classifieds: (6) Activity: 45% Longevity: 27%	I think that is truly the hardest part. You have done everything for over a year. You have a system, a way of handling it. Heck, it might not even always be the right way, but it's your way and that is the way it's done. The only thing that works for me (at first) is to walk away. If he is handling it then go outside, go to a diffrent room, hop on here do something to complelty distract, and after a while you will not need to do that anymore, it will seem natural again. I hope that made a little bit of sense.

08-27-2008, 01:00 PM	#7 (permalink)
Berkley Account Closed Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Pope AFB, NC Posts: 29,996 Blog Entries: 2 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 39% Longevity: 65%	That was the one of our biggest issues. Me letting go and allowing him to parent. He was gone along time Rain. The kids have changed. Your parenting has changed. Maybe try sitting down and coming up with plans on how to tackle each issue. That way you'll know what's going to happen in situations.

08-27-2008, 01:08 PM	#8 (permalink)
JKirstiH Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 9,480 Classifieds: (3) Activity: 13% Longevity: 62%	I have a hard time adjusting becuase I am bossy. I get in the deployment mode and get used to things being a certain way. I just have to remind myself how glad I am to have him home and his socks on the floor. How all those times I missed him and wished I had him to talk to. It's hard to let them go about what they are doing if you "know" you are doing the "right" thing or the "right" way. KWIM? I wish I had good advice other than time and A LOT of patience I am here if you ever need talk. __________________ Finding more and more truth to the words written in red.-B&D Goodness speaks in a whisper, evil shouts. Tibetan proverb The greater love is a mother's; then comes a dog's; then a sweetheart's. Polish Proverb

08-27-2008, 02:25 PM	#9 (permalink)
Rain. MilitarySOS Jewel Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 19,156 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 36% Longevity: 35%	Thanks everyone. Im glad Im not just a control freak. It's definitely been a issue (for me). I try to bite my tongue cuz its like they are his kids too and he has a say in how they are raised. Im hoping my 10 days away will help him understand why I am so strict and set in my ways with certain things. Esp since I'll be gone right after school starts lol __________________

08-27-2008, 02:31 PM	#10 (permalink)
BJo Account Closed Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Your mom Posts: 25,363 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 12% Longevity: 39%	You were basically a single parent for a year so of course the adjustment would be hard. It's like having full control and then all of a sudden you have someone you have to share that control with. You get into a routine and when that is broken it is incredibly disrupting. Give it time. That's all you can do.