What has YOUR experience been?

[JustBreathe]

First off, I think this new forum is AWESOME!
Secondly, I would like to know what your experience has been post deployment.

DH has been home for 8 days now, and I am just not sure what to think. He is the same person he was before he left, but then again, he isn't. He has been "sick" with a cold since he got home, so I am not sure if that has anything to do with it or not. He just seems "cold." He is not affectionate, but then again, he never REALLY was.... He sleeps late in the mornings, which he NEVER did before. He goes to bed early and falls right to sleep. He doesn't seem to want sex as much as he talked about. Which is really weird for him, he usually wants it whenever, wherever. He is more irritable, and he seems to not want to help out around the house at all, which is REALLY weird. When I ask him to do things, he gets pissed, even if it is something simple like taking out the trash. He says, "every time I try to sit down or watch tv, you ask me to do something." I guess he was eating pretty good over there because he has gained weight, and as USUAL complains about the food that I cook, but it hasn't been that horrible yet. He needs to get a hold of GE Money bank about his 4 wheeler loan, yet he keeps putting it off, and putting it off. We have a "vacation" coming up that he doesn't seem excited about at all. He keeps asking me what we are going to do every day, almost like it is a bother to him. I know he is worried about money, and so am I (he is National Guard,) but moping around about it is not going to help anyone. I just feel and frustrated. I need to know that these feelings are going to subside, and that he will be normal again. I don't know what to do for him, or how to make him happy. Everything I got him while he was gone, he just says it is "ok." Never says thank you, never tells me how much he likes the things, nothing.
Just don't know what to think anymore and it has only been 8 days.

[goldilockz]

Our experience post deployment was at first that "newlywed" happiness. After a few days, that wore off and we began to irk the crap out of each other because we were both used to doing what we wanted and having our own space.

We got into a couple of fights about silly stuff until we realized one day that we were being ridiculous. We had a sit down heart to heart talk and worked through those issues.

[swrlygrl]

when DB first got home like goldilockz said it was a honeymoon, i mean we didn't really leave the house so there wasn't any outside influences. Once the "real" world crept in he became more short and irritable but I called him on it and he wasn't even really aware he was doing it. I still worked so he spent allot of his first week playing Xbox and slowly re acclimating to his life. Overall the issues we had were very minor and although he can still be a bit short and at times a bit of a shut in if I just call him on it we work through it.

He's been home a month now and I have now had 2 nights in a row to myself and although I miss him when I go to sleep I have to say I enjoyed some alone time and I think he did too.

you really need to talk to him and don't attack him and say stuff like "you've changed" and put it all on him. you may not even realize it but maybe you have changed to and he isn't sure where he fits in. Talking is always the best solution and I am hoping for the best for you two

[BTDT]

Hey there.I think your post is touching on the realities that many do not talk about, or do not face until the time comes. Realize it's only been 8days, which isn't long. Being gone for a yr, then coming home is going to take some major adjustment, especially not knowing what they did, or saw over there. Try not to take his moods personal, but set bounadaries in how he approaches you and talks to you. It will get better, just have faith!

[MissJasmin25]

Heyy so my husband has been back for about a week and a half and I have noticed some changes and some slight adjustments back to normaldom. I will post again later, because he is still at his duty station and hasn't yet come home to see me, so I'm sure there are things that we are going to have to get used to once we are living together.

The first thing I noticed was that he wasn't really affectionate, and when he was it seemed like he was reading off a piece of paper...it was so generic and monotone "i_love_you_too..." The other thing was that he would only call me once a day, even though he had half days at work, and was just sitting around doing nothing. I'm like "hey you're not in iraq anymore!!! you can call me more than once a day!!!" I didn't actually say that; it would have probably been more constructive to just SAY that, but of course he went out with some buddies for some drinks, got drunk, and spent the night at some persons house....and hadn't called me all DAY...i was PISSED....so of course we got into a fight, and in the fight i complained about how he never calls etc... the next few days he was calling like crazy and texting, and has maintained that communication. I really think it just takes a while to realize that he has alot more "freedom" and has access to more things now.

Some changes that I have noticed: he is very very short tempered now. The other day his internet wasn't working, and he went from like a level 3 upset (theoretical scale from 1-10) to a 9 in a few seconds, it was really wierd. Also, the night of the drinking and partying, I got mad at him, and he just BLEW UP on me....of course he was drunk, but ehh he wasn't like that before. I guess having a wife is a little stressfull in itself, because he hasn't really had to "check in" (for lack of a better term) to anyone for a long time, and i understand how it would feel frusterating. The other thing is that he doesn't like to compare Iraq to now...I was saying that it must feel wierd to have to go from iraq to the states, and he got very touchy saying, "can we not talk about iraq, i'm not THERE ANYMORE!!!" So anyway, that might be an issue for you too.

DH never really does anything around the house anyway lol...When he does do something it wasn't because i asked him to it was just because he probably got bored (or maybe to be nice)...so i don't think we'll have issued there. The thing I think we will have the most problem with is that I like to go out alot, and go do things, and what if he wants to just be around the house all day..ughh.. He said he is having trouble being around crowds, so we'll see how he does at the mall etc.

we are planning a trip to hawaii as well, and he doesn't seem excited lol he is just concerned about how much it will cost

[JustBreathe]

Originally Posted by BTDT Hey there.I think your post is touching on the realities that many do not talk about, or do not face until the time comes. Realize it's only been 8days, which isn't long. Being gone for a yr, then coming home is going to take some major adjustment, especially not knowing what they did, or saw over there. Try not to take his moods personal, but set bounadaries in how he approaches you and talks to you. It will get better, just have faith!

Thank you, seriously. Your post made me feel better

Originally Posted by MissJasmin25 Heyy so my husband has been back for about a week and a half and I have noticed some changes and some slight adjustments back to normaldom. I will post again later, because he is still at his duty station and hasn't yet come home to see me, so I'm sure there are things that we are going to have to get used to once we are living together. The first thing I noticed was that he wasn't really affectionate, and when he was it seemed like he was reading off a piece of paper...it was so generic and monotone "i_love_you_too..." The other thing was that he would only call me once a day, even though he had half days at work, and was just sitting around doing nothing. I'm like "hey you're not in iraq anymore!!! you can call me more than once a day!!!" I didn't actually say that; it would have probably been more constructive to just SAY that, but of course he went out with some buddies for some drinks, got drunk, and spent the night at some persons house....and hadn't called me all DAY...i was PISSED....so of course we got into a fight, and in the fight i complained about how he never calls etc... the next few days he was calling like crazy and texting, and has maintained that communication. I really think it just takes a while to realize that he has alot more "freedom" and has access to more things now. Some changes that I have noticed: he is very very short tempered now. The other day his internet wasn't working, and he went from like a level 3 upset (theoretical scale from 1-10) to a 9 in a few seconds, it was really wierd. Also, the night of the drinking and partying, I got mad at him, and he just BLEW UP on me....of course he was drunk, but ehh he wasn't like that before. I guess having a wife is a little stressfull in itself, because he hasn't really had to "check in" (for lack of a better term) to anyone for a long time, and i understand how it would feel frusterating. The other thing is that he doesn't like to compare Iraq to now...I was saying that it must feel wierd to have to go from iraq to the states, and he got very touchy saying, "can we not talk about iraq, i'm not THERE ANYMORE!!!" So anyway, that might be an issue for you too. DH never really does anything around the house anyway lol...When he does do something it wasn't because i asked him to it was just because he probably got bored (or maybe to be nice)...so i don't think we'll have issued there. The thing I think we will have the most problem with is that I like to go out alot, and go do things, and what if he wants to just be around the house all day..ughh.. He said he is having trouble being around crowds, so we'll see how he does at the mall etc. we are planning a trip to hawaii as well, and he doesn't seem excited lol he is just concerned about how much it will cost

same here! I am so glad you posted this!!

[USNIwife]

maybe he's readjusting in his own way on his own terms? honestly, I'm not sure what to tell you. ...I offer a and flowers . Like any military couple, of course there is some 'getting reacquianted' time. Sending your way. ya

[jen1982]

My husband has been home since March 5th, and we are having absolutely no issues. After doing 13 months, of a 15 month combat deployment, he was medivaced home with a collapsed lung. Despite being injured, and recovery being physically hard, we have had no problems what-so-ever. I was warned by others that things would not be smooth when he came home, and that we would probably not get along, but honestly, we have had no such issues. We still maintain our zero fight record. I have not noticed any changes in his personality, or the way he interacts with me and our dogs. I make sure he gets his alone time though, because that is something I know he was not able to get while deployed. Two months after he came home, we are doing wonderfully as a couple, and I am pretty happy that we have not had any of the problems that I anticipated because of the warnings from other deployment survivors. I guess every guy is different. I am very sorry to those of you that are experiencing difficulties, and I hope things smooth themselves out soon.

[Berkley]

Originally Posted by goldilockz Our experience post deployment was at first that "newlywed" happiness. After a few days, that wore off and we began to irk the crap out of each other because we were both used to doing what we wanted and having our own space. We got into a couple of fights about silly stuff until we realized one day that we were being ridiculous. We had a sit down heart to heart talk and worked through those issues.

YES YES OH MY GOSH YES!

[Mom2oneplus1]

This is the hard part...soldiers HATE to admit they might need help but he sounds like he's showing signs of depression. 8 days home is not a lot and he might come out of it on his own but he might do better if he talks to someone. The military has counselors that are non-judgemental and willing to work with him.

If he won't even hear of it on his own (or if you don't want to approach him directly) maybe he'd be willing to go as a couple? You could tell him you're having trouble adjusting and need his help. Maybe that would work.

My DH is on his 2nd deployment right now. After his return from the first he was quite a bit quieter for a while, and we had to be careful about stepping on each others toes 'cause we were both used to doing stuff our own way but that gradually all worked out. But he was also willing to talk with me about some of the stuff he'd experienced, both good & bad. If your SO can't talk with you, maybe he can talk with a buddy or a counselor.

Good Luck and Hugs from a fellow wife
Paula