It has come to light...

[kimmie]

A lot of you have been following the progression of DB and his actions since he has returned from Iraq. I have been bouncing between emotions. One moment I am mad and then I am depressed. Well, yesterday I decided to send him an email to explain to him my feelings. I put it all out on the line. I did not curse or jump his case about it. I was diplomatic with it and explained my position. I had to get it off my chest. I basically told DB I was tired of fighting for his attention and competing with others for it. As I was composing the email, DB texts wanting me to come over. I text back telling him that I gave up and made plans. I was proud of myself at that moment.

Well, I go out and when I get home I have an email from DB. I will not post his email out of respect due to the breakdown of emotions and cry for help but I will say that DB is lost within himself and no longer knows who he is. He feels like a shell of a person who used to be. All I could do was cry as I read it. It all came to light in his email and at that moment, I realized he needs me more than ever if he will just let me in. DB's email made me realize his actions, although not appropriate, were not directed towards me personally. He is just shutting down. He owned up to the fact that he has not been fair to me but he is just so lost and does not know what to do. He hates to involve me in it

I wrote him back and told him that I am here for him in whatever capacity he needs me to be. I told him that I was not going to pressure him into seeing me or communicating with me so it is up to him for the bulk of the communication. That is all I can do. I am so worried about DB at this point. I feel helpless. I really feel like an ass for being mad at him because he cannot help what is going on. I just don't know what I can do to help him.

[GunnyWintersGirl]

I am glad he told you some reasoning...
my question here is if he's shutting down how can he still go out with his friends? Looks like he wouldn't want to be around anyone, he'd want to be by himself to handle his issues...I dunno maybe I'm off in thinking this but I think this is another line to keep you confused, I hope I'm wrong...and really he always wants you to come see him when he does call...you need to put your foot down there and say "no if you want to see me come to my house"...make him put in the effort. You can still support him in his issues without being submissive.

[goldilockz]

Good luck.

[mrskmw]

I kinda had a feeling that is what he was doing. I'm glad that he finally opened up to you and that you got a few answers. I hope that he will find someone to talk to (professionally) that can help him work through it all. Kudos to you for being willing to stick by him. Just make sure you don't let yourself become a doormat, be there but don't let him walk all over you.

[WGs_Grrl]

I cannot tell you how to feel, but I wouldn't want you to believe that your feelings of the past two weeks were wrong simply because of his email reply. You were feeling the way you were legitimately based on the information you had at the time. You reacted based on the situation and you did your best.

The question now is : how do we proceed? If he's shutting down and feels like a shell of himself, he NEEDS TO GET HELP. There's no way around that. I don't know if it's fair to generalize, but I feel that men are more reluctant to admit that they need mental counseling because it could portray weakness. It takes more strength to admit you need help than to try to work it out on your own, possibly in the wrong manner.

One thing that may be hard to digest is that, for awhile, your relationship may need to be put on hold. That's painful, but he's clearly NOT the man you fell for and you have to redefine who you each are in the relationship, whether that be as friends or as lovers...

[kimmie]

Originally Posted by GunnyWintersGirl I am glad he told you some reasoning... my question here is if he's shutting down how can he still go out with his friends? Looks like he wouldn't want to be around anyone, he'd want to be by himself to handle his issues...I dunno maybe I'm off in thinking this but I think this is another line to keep you confused, I hope I'm wrong...and really he always wants you to come see him when he does call...you need to put your foot down there and say "no if you want to see me come to my house"...make him put in the effort. You can still support him in his issues without being submissive.

I do not think he is actually going to see friends. I think that is his way to keep everyone off his back. I think he thinks that if he tells everyone he is away from home, no one will drop by and he will be in solitude.

[Rain.]

Well I'm glad you know something and aren't in limbo. I hope him reaching out is a step in the right direction for you both

[kimmie]

Originally Posted by WGs_Grrl I cannot tell you how to feel, but I wouldn't want you to believe that your feelings of the past two weeks were wrong simply because of his email reply. You were feeling the way you were legitimately based on the information you had at the time. You reacted based on the situation and you did your best. The question now is : how do we proceed? If he's shutting down and feels like a shell of himself, he NEEDS TO GET HELP. There's no way around that. I don't know if it's fair to generalize, but I feel that men are more reluctant to admit that they need mental counseling because it could portray weakness. It takes more strength to admit you need help than to try to work it out on your own, possibly in the wrong manner. One thing that may be hard to digest is that, for awhile, your relationship may need to be put on hold. That's painful, but he's clearly NOT the man you fell for and you have to redefine who you each are in the relationship, whether that be as friends or as lovers...

You are right and I told him that I was going to bow out gracefully at this point.. I am not going to sit around .. I will be there for support but I am going to go on with my life for now and see what happens in the future...

[WGs_Grrl]

Originally Posted by GunnyWintersGirl I am glad he told you some reasoning... my question here is if he's shutting down how can he still go out with his friends? Looks like he wouldn't want to be around anyone, he'd want to be by himself to handle his issues...I dunno maybe I'm off in thinking this but I think this is another line to keep you confused, I hope I'm wrong...and really he always wants you to come see him when he does call...you need to put your foot down there and say "no if you want to see me come to my house"...make him put in the effort. You can still support him in his issues without being submissive.

Male friendships are completely different than female friendships. Men, when together, do things and don't discuss feelings and such, like we do when we get together with our female friends. He may currently need a place that is emotionally neutral and his friends offer that sanctuary. With women, we want and expect emotional feedback and interaction when with our men. Right now, he clearly cannot emotionally give so he is probably choosing to isolate himself from someone who he feels he will not be able to engage with on that level...

It makes a lot of sense, actually, that he's choosing male friends over her...Men aren't just hairier women. They're completely different emotional creatures.

[lemc81]

Originally Posted by mrskmw I kinda had a feeling that is what he was doing. I'm glad that he finally opened up to you and that you got a few answers. I hope that he will find someone to talk to (professionally) that can help him work through it all. Kudos to you for being willing to stick by him. Just make sure you don't let yourself become a doormat, be there but don't let him walk all over you.

I especially agree with the bolded part. Its a tricky line to walk. You want to be supportive but you don't want to be taken advantage of either. And there is no reason for you to feel like an ass for being upset. You have more than patient with him and if he had sent this email to you two weeks ago then you would have been willing to give him his space. He's done nothing to communicate what's going on with him. I am glad that you finally got a real response from him. Good luck.