Our men shutting down after deployments

[KSS]

I've been wondering about this now and I have to say, I think its more common than is talked about. I think some of our men are freaking out about relationships when they come back after deployments and are shutting down emotionally.

As many of you know, my DB came back a month ago from Afghanistan and things have been pretty bad. He didn't want to see me, said he couldn't feel anything (not just about me, about everything), needed time, didn't know if he loved me, didn't know how long it would take for him to refind himself... Last week he texted to say goodbye because he felt I needed someone who could love me and care for me, and that he wasn't that person at the moment.

Since I posted about it on this site and another site I am a member of, I've got so many PMs about others similar experiences - both as our men leave for deployment, or when they come back. Most have told me to give him space and time. And that if its meant to be, he'll come back. Some of the stories shared with me had happy endings - that their men did come back to them after a number of months. Others are in the middle of it all right now, just like me.

Its somehow reassuring to hear about other's experiences, so I'd love to hear if something similar happend to you - and whether it worked itself out or not in the end.

Hugs to everyone who is going through the same as me. It really sucks.

[xkrazybaby67x]

DB is about to leave and we have been fighting a lot more lately, i'm keeping my fingers crossed though.

i think it has a lot to do in post deployment cases with PTSD.

good luck with everything!!! i'm here if you ever need to talk!

[swrlygrl]

i know right before DB left he and I fought more or rather were just kinda short with each other, but we grew closer while he was gone and he is more sure of "us" then ever. I wish I could offer you some good advice but our homecoming just didn't go the same way as yours.

I will think good thoughts for you and everyone else going through the same thing, and I really hope things work out for the best in the end for both of you.

[prtyltlwif]

Originally Posted by xkrazybaby67x DB is about to leave and we have been fighting a lot more lately, i'm keeping my fingers crossed though. i think it has a lot to do in post deployment cases with PTSD.

DH is the same, we are 3 months +/- from deployment and he is really being pissy. After he gets home though, he is so ultra clingy I can't always deal with it.

The Military needs to find a way to get REAL mental health help to these guys.

We tried the VA for his PTSD and the only group sessions they have are over 2 hours away and during the work day. DH told them I have a family and (at the time) a job, they said oh, well if your doing that good then we can't help you. These programs are catered to those who are so bad they can no longer function. - Gee THANKS!

Just be there for him, give him space, but let him know that you aren't letting him throw in the towel that easily.

[kimmie]

Originally Posted by KSS I've been wondering about this now and I have to say, I think its more common than is talked about. I think some of our men are freaking out about relationships when they come back after deployments and are shutting down emotionally. As many of you know, my DB came back a month ago from Afghanistan and things have been pretty bad. He didn't want to see me, said he couldn't feel anything (not just about me, about everything), needed time, didn't know if he loved me, didn't know how long it would take for him to refind himself... Last week he texted to say goodbye because he felt I needed someone who could love me and care for me, and that he wasn't that person at the moment. Since I posted about it on this site and another site I am a member of, I've got so many PMs about others similar experiences - both as our men leave for deployment, or when they come back. Most have told me to give him space and time. And that if its meant to be, he'll come back. Some of the stories shared with me had happy endings - that their men did come back to them after a number of months. Others are in the middle of it all right now, just like me. Its somehow reassuring to hear about other's experiences, so I'd love to hear if something similar happend to you - and whether it worked itself out or not in the end. Hugs to everyone who is going through the same as me. It really sucks.

My Marine does not communicate with me. He rarely calls me or responds to my texts, calls and emails. He finds other things to do that does not include me. He goes under the radar for days before I hear from him... He stands me up when we do make plans... so, count me in! He has been home 2 weeks

[Butterfly2]

My DB was scheduled to deploy today. I have not heard from him. Ever since he got his orders to leave he has been distant and non-emotional. We used to communicate daily but lately hardly anything. There is something going on. I am going to give him time. Well, I dont have a choice do I since he is GONE. I just want him to know that I love and care about him. Hopefully he will remember that.

[libbydc]

Well yeah we went through this the first time he got back in a way. DH really pulled away from me and needed some decompress time I guess you could call it. I gave him his space, even though it was hard with a toddler. The problem came about when a month had gone by and he was comfortable with being detached and whatnot so there was no end in sight to the space he needed. We just trotted on over to a counselor, and worked on things there. He healed, we healed, and we went back to being one big reasonably happy family.
Now, on our second one we know what to expect when he returns, and what we need to be for each other. It helps that we are REALLY open and direct with each other. None of this suppressed emotion or quietly hurt feelings type stuff. I can see where it's been much harder for other people because of that.
Regardless I can't recommend counseling enough. Joint and individual if necessary. As long as both parties are willing to work for it there's not much counseling can't help see you though.
Sometimes the guys need extra coaxing to go. I hope things work out for you.

[LoveKiss]

When DB came back the last time, it took him a week at home to be ready to see his son and two weeks before he was ready to actually live in his home again. His son is his entire world, but he just couldn't deal with all of that right after homecoming. He definitely needed to decompress. But by week 3 he was back in the swing of things. Maybe some guys just need more time than others.
And, of course, every deployment is different. This one has been a lot less communication and a lot more stress on him. Who knows how he will react when he gets home?! Only time will tell. I just know that I am willing to do whatever I can to help him re-adjust, even if it means giving him space (but I hope it doesn't!).

[libbydc]

Originally Posted by ArmyE'sGirl When DB came back the last time, it took him a week at home to be ready to see his son and two weeks before he was ready to actually live in his home again. His son is his entire world, but he just couldn't deal with all of that right after homecoming. He definitely needed to decompress. But by week 3 he was back in the swing of things. Maybe some guys just need more time than others. And, of course, every deployment is different. This one has been a lot less communication and a lot more stress on him. Who knows how he will react when he gets home?! Only time will tell. I just know that I am willing to do whatever I can to help him re-adjust, even if it means giving him space (but I hope it doesn't!).

It helps for me to be optimistic b/c we're opposite. This deployment has been easier on him than the last. Good luck!

[OMG it's Andrea!]

we are almost 2 mos into our first deployment and i am scared to death how it's going to go not only when he gets home, but for the rest of the deployment as well. to everyone.