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Thread: Man says he didn't love his wife when they got married

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    #1

    Shocked Man says he didn't love his wife when they got married

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    So I just read this and really liked it. I have lived with DF for almost a year and just found this interesting. Wondering what ya'll think


    I Didn't Love My Wife When We Got Married | Pop Chassid
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    #2
    I'm glad his marriage is doing well now.
    However, what I'm reading in the beginning that his wife didn't love him and he sucked it up. That his wife on returned those feeling when he did something she liked- that's not how marriage works. You communicate if something makes you unhappy. Marriage isn't loving someone only when you feel like it because they did something you wanted.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by PirateAndrea View Post
    I'm glad his marriage is doing well now.
    However, what I'm reading in the beginning that his wife didn't love him and he sucked it up. That his wife on returned those feeling when he did something she liked- that's not how marriage works. You communicate if something makes you unhappy. Marriage isn't loving someone only when you feel like it because they did something you wanted.
    That's kinda was I was thinking. Like when DF does something sweet for me it reminds me why I fell in love with and why I wanted to spend my life with him. When he does something sweet I know it is his way of showing that he loves me. I think he learned how to show his wife love more then didn't love her.
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    #4
    I think that he defines the words passion, love, respect, appreciation and marriage very differently than I do, perhaps even differently than his wife does.

    I don't agree with what he's written, based on how how I define the words that he uses and the way he describes his relationship, but that really isn't relevant. It's how he has learned to define the feelings and choices he's experiencing. Hopefully, their relationship continues to nurture and grow and regardless of how the two define the words for themselves, they find themselves happy and committed to each other for the rest of their lives.

    And that's really the important lesson he should learn. It doesn't matter if someone else does appear to have the "Disney" love that he talks about. What is important is that the two of them get on the same page as to what the words mean, what the emotions are. They're the two in the marriage.
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    #5
    I think everybody has a different idea of what love is/should be, and this is just his take on it.


  6. In vino veritas
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    #6
    Many people arent in love when they get married. Think of all the people you (meaning everyone you) know who fights like hell with their SO, says hateful things, nitpicks and belittles their SO before they get married. But those people do get married. I would prefer this man be married and find he loves his wife than those people get married as you know they are headed for divorce.
  7. Pour a little salt, we were never here
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    #7
    I think it's always interesting to hear people's views on love, marriage, and the brain chemicals that happen when you're first dating, especially interesting (to me) from people who are in happy marriages. That being said, I do think it's different for everyone, so I would read this simply as his experience, and not advice to try and follow.

    His revelation that giving to his wife in the form of acts of service made him feel love from her, and created a positive cycle was interesting. In a similar way to him finding that positive cycle, I have found success in specific areas of my marriage, when I was feeling frustration and not getting what I needed, that I stopped focusing on my discontent, and focused on what DH was asking for and needing. It completely changed things around and ended up giving me more fulfillment than I could have ever anticipated or known to ask for in the beginning.
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    #8
    One way that I look at this article is how it demonstrates how dating for an extended period of time, potentially living together if it's an option, etc. can work to minimize the shock that many couples go through upon marriage. Granted, that doesn't mean it "works" for everybody, but I think that can be seen with this couple. For me, it would terrify me if I felt the way this man did after getting married. I'm glad he feels that now they are in a good place within their relationship.
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    #9
    I think it is well written and speaks for how many people feel when they get married.

    With marriages that happen quickly after meeting a person (such as arranged marriages for example) there is often a lustly feeling one mistakes for love.

    But agree with him 100%. Love is not a noun. It is a verb. Love is an action. One can say they love someone else over and over and over again, but if their actions show otherwise. Well in my opinion, their actions show how they really feel. For instance, DH and I rarely say ILY to each other. But our actions every day show how much we love each other. I don't need to hear words that can be false, I need to see actions that show me truthfully.
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    #10

    How do you define 'love'? (article included)

    A family member of my XDH's sent me a great article today. It was definitely eye opening, and got me thinking. How do you, personally, define love? Is it an emotion for you? Is it a choice you make daily?


    I Didn't Love My Wife When We Got Married | Pop Chassid

    Iím a ridiculous, emotional, over-sentimental sap. I guess thatís why I told my wife I loved her on our second date.

    I had tried really hard up to that point to hold it back, honestly. I wanted to tell her on the first date, but I knew that would probably be weird.

    I still remember her reaction. She kind of gave me this half-shy, half-amused smile. Then she nodded and looked off into the sky.

    I wasnít heartbroken by the response. I think part of me recognized that she was much smarter and more modest than me.

    But as time has gone on, I also realized that she knew something that I didnít.

    Like most Hasidic Jews (we both became religious later in life), our dating period lasted a very short time. After two months of dating, we were engaged. Three months after that, we were married.

    And that whole time I was swooning. This fire was burning in me, a fire that burned just like that second date: I was in love.

    But then we got married, and everything changed.

    Marriage, quicker than I was ready for, did this thing: it started sucking away that emotion.

    I tried so hard to keep that fire going, to keep that emotion alight, but it got harder and harder.

    I mean, how you can feel that burning love when youíre sitting at the table discussing how to use the last twenty dollars in your bank account?

    How can you feel it when you get into an argument?

    How can you feel it when you think it makes perfect sense to put your socks on the floor after youíre done with them, and she has this crazy idea that they need to go in the laundry basket?

    There was no way I could keep that dating fire burning as practicality invaded our lives.

    And at first, it drove me nuts. That emotion meant love! That excitement was how I knew I cared for her! But suddenly, life was this grind. Even when I was with her. Especially when I was with her.

    And even worse, it seemed that the harder I tried to be sentimental and lovey-dovey, the less it was reciprocated.

    But it wasnít that she wasnít giving me love, it just seemed to come at different times.

    Like, when I offered to do the dishes. Or make dinner after she had a hard day. Or, once we had a daughter, when I shared the responsibility of watching over her.

    I donít think I noticed this consciously for a while. It just kept happening.

    But I think it had an effect on me. Because as our marriage progressed, I found myself offering to help out around the house more and more.

    And after each time, there would be this look she would give me. This look of absolute love. One that was soft and so beautiful.

    It took me longer than I care to admit to understand what was happening.

    But eventually it became clear. Through giving, through doing things for my wife, the emotion that I had been so desperately seeking naturally came about. It wasnít something I could force, just something that would come about as a result of my giving.

    In other words, it was in the practicality that I found the love I was looking for.

    And what was even more interesting was that once I realized this on a conscious level, and started trying to find more opportunities to give, the more we both, almost intuitively, became lovey-dovey.

    And now, as Iím a bit older and a bit more experienced with this relationship, Iíve finally come to realize something. Something I havenít wanted to admit for a long time, but is undeniable.

    I didnít love my wife on that second date.

    I didnít love her when we got engaged.

    I didnít even love her when we got married.

    Because love isnít an emotion. That fire I felt, it was simply that: emotional fire. From the excitement of dating a woman I felt like I could marry. But it wasnít love.

    No, love isnít an emotion or even a noun. Itís a verb. Better defined as giving. As putting someone elseís needs above your own.

    Why wasnít I getting reciprocal lovey-doveyness when we were first married? Because it wasnít for her. It was for me. An emotion I had in my chest.

    And even when I let it out of my chest, it wasnít love.

    Being sappy isnít love. Telling someone you love them doesnít mean that you do.

    And thatís why my wife just gave me that half-smile. She knew, even if I didnít, what love really is.

    And now that Iíve tried to change the way I look at love, the more I become shocked at the messages of love I had gotten when I was younger.

    From Disney movies to my favorite shows like ďThe OfficeĒ to practically every pop song released, love is constantly sold as an emotion we have before weíre married. An emotion that, once had, somehow magically stays within a marriage forever.

    I canít imagine a bigger lie. And Iím saddened to think about how much those messages bounced around in my head for so long. And how much Iím sure those messages are bouncing around in other peopleís heads as well.

    I think that might be a big part of the reason the divorce rate is so high in this country. Imagine a whole nation of people constantly chasing the emotions they had when they were dating. A country of people trying to live a Disney movie.

    Thatís a recipe for disastrous marriages; for a country with a 50% divorce rate; for adultery (the classic attempt to turn the fire back on); for people who do stay together to simply live functional, loveless marriages.

    Itís sad to see just how common all the above is. How many people are in pain simply because theyíve been lied to.

    Those people deserve better. We all deserve better.

    Itís time that we changed the conversation about love. Itís time that we redefine it.

    Because until we do, adultery will continue to be common. Loveless marriages. Divorce.

    Living Disney movies in our minds, and tragedies in our lives.
    - See more at: I Didn't Love My Wife When We Got Married | Pop Chassid
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