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    Seeking Advice

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    Hi, I am new to this but I hope talking to other people will help me.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years but he has been in the military for longer than that. Recently, I have started to feel very alone. We live in the same state but a couple of hours away from each other so we only get together once every few months usually when he gets time off for a holiday. We do not talk as much anymore because he is on OPs and busy with work. The last two times we have been together, he has been so tired that when he sees the bed, he crashes. We do normal couple things when we are together such as go to the movies but that's about it. I usually miss him alot but it has gotten worse since we have found out he is getting deployed in a couple of months. I feel like I have to spend as much time with him as I can before he leaves. It doesn't help that he is excited about the deployment and says it will be good for us but I don't see it. He also wants to enlist again which might mean him getting another PCS.
    I feel like he is so focused on his life and plans in the military that he is sort of forgetting about building a life together. I feel as though even when he is with me that he's not there at all. He says all of this is for us but I tell him I don't care about the extra money, I just want him home with me. I want to move in together, get married, and eventually start a family but it seems like our plans don't match because all of his plans involve being away from me. I do not know what to do at this point. I am not sure if I am overreacting and being selfish or if my feelings are actually justified. I want him to enjoy his time in the military and I don't want my feelings to get in the way of that. What should I do?
  2. "...now do Classical Gas"
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    #2
    I think you need to talk to him about feeling a little neglected. Some of it can't be helped - he's posted where he's posted, he can't help that - but in the time you do get to have together...what is it that you want from him when you're together? What attention or affection do you feel like you're missing out on that he could give you?

    If you can articulate your needs, then he can do something to meet them. It might be as simple as setting a regular time to talk when you're apart, so that even if you don't get a lot of opportunities you're both guaranteed at least one.
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    #3
    Aw man.... I feel for you. I remember flying out to see my dh ny last year of college when he got stateside, he would fall asleep. Constantly.

    I agree you need to communicate your needs, but I will also stress that him being in the military doesn't mean you cannot move in together, get married, or start a family. Yea, he might be gone sometimes, but you can do it.

    I will caution.... my husband was active duty 2005-2010, and I *begged* him to get out. For over five years he did poorly in school and his longest job was two years. He doesn't function outside of the military. In the navy, he got blue jacket junior sailor of the year for his region, he is a hard worker and they can count on him. In 2016 (January was his first drill weekend, the day after our third baby was born) he went back into the reserves with intentions of going back active duty. It is now 2018, our fourth baby will be a year old in July, and we are just now moving to his first duty station.
    My point being, some guys do better staying in, and it's much harder to get BACK in.

    I hope you find resolution.
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by USMCGF95 View Post
    Hi, I am new to this but I hope talking to other people will help me.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years but he has been in the military for longer than that. Recently, I have started to feel very alone. We live in the same state but a couple of hours away from each other so we only get together once every few months usually when he gets time off for a holiday. We do not talk as much anymore because he is on OPs and busy with work. The last two times we have been together, he has been so tired that when he sees the bed, he crashes. We do normal couple things when we are together such as go to the movies but that's about it. I usually miss him alot but it has gotten worse since we have found out he is getting deployed in a couple of months. I feel like I have to spend as much time with him as I can before he leaves. It doesn't help that he is excited about the deployment and says it will be good for us but I don't see it. He also wants to enlist again which might mean him getting another PCS.
    I feel like he is so focused on his life and plans in the military that he is sort of forgetting about building a life together. I feel as though even when he is with me that he's not there at all. He says all of this is for us but I tell him I don't care about the extra money, I just want him home with me. I want to move in together, get married, and eventually start a family but it seems like our plans don't match because all of his plans involve being away from me. I do not know what to do at this point. I am not sure if I am overreacting and being selfish or if my feelings are actually justified. I want him to enjoy his time in the military and I don't want my feelings to get in the way of that. What should I do?
    Does he want to get married too?




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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by USMCGF95 View Post
    Hi, I am new to this but I hope talking to other people will help me.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years but he has been in the military for longer than that. Recently, I have started to feel very alone. We live in the same state but a couple of hours away from each other so we only get together once every few months usually when he gets time off for a holiday. We do not talk as much anymore because he is on OPs and busy with work. The last two times we have been together, he has been so tired that when he sees the bed, he crashes. We do normal couple things when we are together such as go to the movies but that's about it. I usually miss him alot but it has gotten worse since we have found out he is getting deployed in a couple of months. I feel like I have to spend as much time with him as I can before he leaves. It doesn't help that he is excited about the deployment and says it will be good for us but I don't see it. He also wants to enlist again which might mean him getting another PCS.
    I feel like he is so focused on his life and plans in the military that he is sort of forgetting about building a life together. I feel as though even when he is with me that he's not there at all. He says all of this is for us but I tell him I don't care about the extra money, I just want him home with me. I want to move in together, get married, and eventually start a family but it seems like our plans don't match because all of his plans involve being away from me. I do not know what to do at this point. I am not sure if I am overreacting and being selfish or if my feelings are actually justified. I want him to enjoy his time in the military and I don't want my feelings to get in the way of that. What should I do?
    Have you guys talked about getting married? Have you talked about starting a family/time-frame you and he are wanting those things? A life in the military does not mean you won't get married and start a family. There are tons of married people with families in the military! However one thing you mentioned - you just want him home with you - that is something that isn't always possible in the military! I personally am in the middle of a very long deployment so I'm doing the house, kids, life, work solo at the moment (still supported and loved by my man) but he's not physically present in the house currently. If that is something that is really important to you that he is physically there and not just emotionally supportive/connected than a spouse in the military may not line up with what you are wanting. I think most people here have experienced some sort of distance whether it's an underway, training, deployment, or something, the military often ends up meaning time apart. Which honestly isn't the worst thing, it has it's challenges and it's ups and downs, but it's not necessarily a bad thing.

    Now when he says he's doing this for you that could also be true. It's not just money, a career in the military can mean a retirement plan, health insurance, etc. Plus if this is what he wants to do, if this is his passion and his career choice, then loving him means supporting him and his career. Most people I know in the military, the military is part of their identity, it's more than just a job and it's definitely something they are proud of.

    As for being lonely...I think that's an issue you need to address. Your feelings matter and there's no reason for you to feel lonely! Talk to him and let him know what he can do to help you feel more connected and supported by him! Distance or even time apart does not have to mean you feel lonely, my SO is deployed and while I miss him and some days are harder than others I never really feel lonely, I always feel loved and supported by him. I know he has my back and is going to support me no matter what happens. While I know I cannot just pick up my phone and call him any time I want because of where he's at I do know I can tell him anything when I am able to talk to him. I really hope you can talk to your SO and communicate your feelings and he can come up with a way to make sure you're feeling supported and loved and less lonely while he pursues his career.
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    #6
    Thank you guys for all the advice!

    He says he wants to get married but it's like he has his life in the military and what he wants to accomplish while he is there planned out and he is trying to slide me into those plans somehow. It gets complicated to the point where we say maybe we should wait until you get out but he doesn't plan to get out anytime soon. He wants to move in together before we get married which is difficult then get married then have a family. He is planning everything but military plans and our life plans never add up.

    Also he was in the military 3 years before we got together so he is use to just doing his own thing and not having to think about anyone else. I don't think he knows how to do military life with me and I certainly don't know what I'm doing.

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