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Thread: Need people who know how i feel

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    Need people who know how i feel

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    Hey everyone, I am new to this site as well as support groups and such. My name is Jeannette White and my High school boy friend of 3 years, Jordan, enlisted in the Air Force about a year ago. He is currently at Tyndall AFB in Panama City Florida and I am in Raleigh,North Carolina. Both him and i are from Maine, i moved to NC last year. I just am looking for people who have ways to cope with being so far away and how to connect with your s/o while being so far away. Also a little issue i have is being uneducated in how the military works. My boyfriend always gets sort of angry with me when i suggest him taking leave for stuff having to do with me. He doesnt really take leave anyways he keeps savig it up but my brothers wedding is in june and that was a big deal asking him to take leave for it because apparently it isnt that easy to request leave bcause of his ranking. This is always the answer i get when i ask him to take leave, like today i asked him to take a couple days of leave for when i get my wisdom teeth out because i want him to be there for moments in my life. The answer i got was the same for the wedding and that im not in the military i dont under stand. If someone could help me with the rules of leave
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    #2
    Speaking from my experience (DB was in the Army) they were given set windows of time in which they could take leave (usually about 2 weeks), one or two in the summer and one over Christmas. If they didn’t take leave during those times they had to have a pretty good reason to take it another time and there was a much higher chance of it getting denied. As far as I know rank shouldn’t have anything to do with taking leave, but maybe Air Force is different. In DB’s unit people didn’t take short amounts of leave. Sometimes they can get a “pass” which basically gives them a long weekend where they’re allowed to leave but according to DB those are hard to get. So if your DB is choosing not to take block leave during the available windows then yeah it might be pretty challenging but he should definitely be able to take some leave at some point.
    Last edited by kt_bug; 01-12-2018 at 03:32 PM.
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    #3
    taking vacation time is hard. They only get so many days a month that they earn. Now that being said it can be taken at anytime with permission. Yes they have to have full permission and even that it can be taken away. I always recommend that service members leave at least 5 days on the books for emergencies so that way they don't need to go into true emergency leave days. I know its hard for them missing things that mean things to you. My husband just deployed on my daughters 1st birthday, 2 days later was our sons 3rd birthday and 2 days later was an anniversary of mine....it was rough but i couldn't say can we push deployment? It is hard for new ones to understand and you don't learn in one lesson it takes time to learn things and we are always learning even those who have been married to their service member for 10 plus years.
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    #4
    It isn't like a job where you can give enough notice and you should get it.
    Dh, when we were dating and he was in San Diego, requested a couple of days for my graduation, they denied it.

    I don't want to sound like a jerk, but I wouldn't even ask for things like wisdom teeth. I think it's fair to *ask* for your brother's wedding, but don't be surprised if it gets denied.
    It also isn't something you ask for last minute, you ask months in advanced.
    It isn't like a normal job where you might be able to work in a three day weekend if you work a little more during the week.

    Also, even if he has a few days off, it doesn't equal leave, and he can't go over so many miles away without leave.

    I would highly suggest getting a trusted friend or family member to take care of you after you get your wisdom teeth out.
    I know you want him there for important parts of your life, dh was in Japan for three years and change and then in Sam Diego while I went to college in Akron. It sucks. A lot of it is hard. But you will get through it. It helps to have a goal in mind, the next time you get to visit him, a skype call, whatever it takes.

    Dh got to visit me one time when he was in Japan, and then once on leave in between Japan and San Diego.

    It takes some getting used to, you can do it
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    #5
    even in most grown-up, professional civilain gigs, you can't just take vacation any time you want. The military is like that, but 100 times more challenging. And if he's very junior to his command, that's even more true as he is probably expected to pursue specific qualifications and he would probably be the last one granted leave on any given date, even if quals weren't an issue.

    Also, if he plans on taking leave in June, asking for a second block of leave possibly doesn't look every good. And it could cause the command to deny his wedding leave, since he would have just taken leave a few months earlier. That's not always the case and there are many factors at play, but it could be.

    It sounds like you have a lot of expectations to adjust if this is going to work out. It can definitely suck, but he's a professional, and as such his job is a super high priority. If you were deathly ill, his command would try very hard to give him leave (and it would probably happen, but in some cases even then they just can't make it work). But for wisdom teeth? That's an extremely minor medical procedure and it's not in any way necessary for him to be there. So it might be denied, and just asking may make him look bad, depending on the circumstances. I'm sure that you don't want him to hurt his repuation at work (which affects fiture promotions, jon assignments, and lots of little things that could easily make him miserable and hurt his career longer term) for something that isnt' critical. And it may be tough to undertsnad, but that's what asking for leave can do, in some cases. If you trust this man, you need to trust his judgement on this. If you don't trust him to use his best judgement and decide whether it's a good idea based on your wants compared with the situation at work, then your relationship has far bigger issues. So decide if you trust him to understant what is important to you, and weight that, and make a solid decision. And then don't quilt him or pressure him over that decision.

    A few other things. Leave can and will be denied, even for big events like a family wedding, if the command can't spare him. Sometimes, they can even approve it and then yank it back at the last minute if something comes up. It sucks, a lot, but it's a fact of this life. Also, leave is typically taken in larger blocks. This isn't always true, but it generally is. Around Christmas, for example, there are specific blooks of leave usually, and they pick a block and can take all that time (but aren't guaranteed to get the block they want because if too many people want the same one, that can't be allowed.) Those are usually roughly two weeks. It's not that people never take a day or two, but it seems like there is an unwritten rule about how often you take leave being a consideration. They seem more likely to approve two blockes of 10-15 days than 6 three day weekends, even if that's actually less time overall.

    And finally, weekend days count as leave, unlike a civilian job. If he were to be out of town Saturday and Sunday and not miss any actually work days, technichally he would still be required to take two days of leave because he'd be out of the area and unavailable. Some commands are more generous with granting out of area liberty than others, but it's something to keep in mind.

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    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by jwhite1443 View Post
    Hey everyone, I am new to this site as well as support groups and such. My name is Jeannette White and my High school boy friend of 3 years, Jordan, enlisted in the Air Force about a year ago. He is currently at Tyndall AFB in Panama City Florida and I am in Raleigh,North Carolina. Both him and i are from Maine, i moved to NC last year. I just am looking for people who have ways to cope with being so far away and how to connect with your s/o while being so far away. Also a little issue i have is being uneducated in how the military works. My boyfriend always gets sort of angry with me when i suggest him taking leave for stuff having to do with me. He doesnt really take leave anyways he keeps savig it up but my brothers wedding is in june and that was a big deal asking him to take leave for it because apparently it isnt that easy to request leave bcause of his ranking. This is always the answer i get when i ask him to take leave, like today i asked him to take a couple days of leave for when i get my wisdom teeth out because i want him to be there for moments in my life. The answer i got was the same for the wedding and that im not in the military i dont under stand. If someone could help me with the rules of leave
    Active duty service members earn 2.5 leave days a month. How long has he been in for? I can understand him not wanting to take a few days off for your wisdom teeth surgery. But, the wedding is a different story.




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    #7
    Leave is tough, like a previous poster said, even when it's approved it can later be changed. DH has been in for years and rarely takes leave, literally just his once a year allotted time for Christmas. Last year, he requested to take 3 days off for my birthday, we were going to travel to see my sister since she just had another baby and we missed the kids like crazy. It got accepted (months in advance) and then the week before we were supposed to leave, he was told he needed to be in. Things change at the drop of a dime. :/

    Unfortunately, I would advise that he not ask for leave for wisdom teeth removal. This comes off harsh since I am saying it in text, but I don't mean to be harsh: some may look at him like he has a third eye for requesting leave over such a minor procedure. It's one of those things you just have to accept.

    As for him getting upset about you requesting he take leave... I think you should ask him to educate you more about the military and the hoops he has to jump through whenever something new comes up. It's not fair for him to expect you to know everything, I learn something new every day. The distance is tough but it makes you much stronger as a couple. While DH and I were dating, we were on opposite sides of the country and almost 3,000 miles apart. It's tough and it doesn't exactly get easier, but you adjust to it. It forces you to learn how to communicate, prioritize, and it reminds you to be thankful for every moment you have together. We face timed when we could and were able to plan visits about every other month. It was expensive, but worth it! We always planned our next visit while we were together so it gave us something to look forward to rather than us saying goodbye and not knowing when we would see each other again. I'm sorry you're in a tough spot right now, but you'll learn quickly and adjust with time.
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    #8
    I agree with all thatís been said here. My husband only takes leave to visit family, and he doesnít take it very often because he likes to have extra leave days in case of emergencies. As far as advice goes, Iíd say just google things youíre curious about. My husband has been in the navy for almost 5 years now and heís very used to speaking Navy language instead of civilian language, and rather than constantly have to ask what heís talking about, I just did a lot of research. He found it extremely helpful because thereís less of a communication barrier now. Itís all a learning experience, donít stress because you donít know it all. Youíll learn new things every day!

    Also, something that nobody else has touched on, Iíd advise you to be mindful of PERSEC (personal security.) You listed your full name and where youíre from, and I was easily able to find your Facebook account (granted we are from the same state.) Just be careful about what information you put out there, you never know who could be reading. This is a public forum, and it is on the internet for anyone to see.
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    #9
    I'm still learning about the military life, but I have been with my DH for over 2 years and I have only known him to take leave once. We got married in-between duty stations and he spoke to the command before hand to get leave for that because they didn't give him much time. I know its hard not having him there for life events, but its part of the military world. He is deployed now and will miss his sisters wedding, my 30th birthday and if his deployment doesn't get extended like it has then he will be home a few days before our anniversary and his birthday. You just have to make the best of the time that you do have together and always expect the unexpected...you never know when the military will change your plans.
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    #10
    I'll go against the gain here and say that in most cases in the AF, taking leave is pretty simple. The only AFSC I've heard have constant difficulties is maintainers because a lot of squadrons still use the old school process. But, we only get 2.5 days a month and he hasn't been in long, and if he took leave before going to his duty station he probably doesn't have many days as it is. So it makes complete sense to save them so he has a good chunk of time for important events. It would also get incredibly expensive to constantly pay to get from FL to NC for a couple days just because you want him there for peace of mind...

    Foot stomp the PERSEC thing. Read the stickies, they're helpful and you'll learn a lot.
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