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Thread: (Submariner GF) Has this happened to anyone?

  1. JSD
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    #1

    (Submariner GF) Has this happened to anyone?

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    Hello I just wanted to know has this happened to anyone else....

    Iím new to being in a relationship with someone in the military. My SO is a submariner and Iíve gone through 3 underways now and all of them he has left out of the blue without telling me.. and Iíve gone months without hearing from him and in constant worry..
    I just wanted to know if I am the only one who experiences this or not..

    I know they are able to tell you the day of... and I have talked to him about this and itís getting tiring with constantly worrying so much
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    #2
    uh... yea, no.
    My dh is the worst with communication, and the first time he was active, it was before we had smart phones and the ability to be always connected.
    Even he didn't pull that.

    He would know in advanced, he would be able to tell you, even if not specifics, he could let you know. I don't think subs would be so extremely dufferent that way.
    Also, even in subs, there is no excuse to go MONTHS without contact.
    It sounds like he doesn't think about you, and when he comes back and it's convenient, he expects that you'll still be around because he hasn't broken it off.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Medic2Doula View Post
    uh... yea, no.
    My dh is the worst with communication, and the first time he was active, it was before we had smart phones and the ability to be always connected.
    Even he didn't pull that.

    He would know in advanced, he would be able to tell you, even if not specifics, he could let you know. I don't think subs would be so extremely dufferent that way.
    Also, even in subs, there is no excuse to go MONTHS without contact.
    It sounds like he doesn't think about you, and when he comes back and it's convenient, he expects that you'll still be around because he hasn't broken it off.
    I'm sorry. He would have SOME communications no matter what job he has. There is no excuse for this behavior.

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    #4
    Have you met him in person? This sound very, very much like a scam. And 99% of the time, they are going to be able to tell you at least some general info before the day they leave.

    I'd bet money he's lying.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by JSD View Post
    Hello I just wanted to know has this happened to anyone else....

    I’m new to being in a relationship with someone in the military. My SO is a submariner and I’ve gone through 3 underways now and all of them he has left out of the blue without telling me.. and I’ve gone months without hearing from him and in constant worry..
    I just wanted to know if I am the only one who experiences this or not..

    I know they are able to tell you the day of... and I have talked to him about this and it’s getting tiring with constantly worrying so much
    Him not contacting you for literal months is not normal. Him not contacting you for weeks, however, is. Depends on what they're doing and how often they can transmit. My DH is a submariner as well, and the longest we've gone without communication is 7 weeks. Where is he stationed? That could explain some of your questions.

    I second the "have you met him in person" question. Also, subs are a very different ballpark than surface ships, and each class of sub operates very differently so you're going to get mixed answers.
  6. JSD
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    Yes I have met him in person. He is startioned in Guam which I live in as well... He is on a Fast attack Sub and an MMA..

    Itís my bad.. I didnít mean for months (I shouldíve re read what I wrote and edited it better) the longest I havenít heard from him was during his second underway whic was a month and then when they re-ported again I didnít hear from him for another month

    I guess my biggest concern is just him leaving out of the blue to go underway without telling me that they are...
    at least for this one I was kinda prepared for it because he gave me a heads up on when it was but then he left again not on the date he told me and I was so shocked
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by JSD View Post
    Yes I have met him in person. He is startioned in Guam which I live in as well... He is on a Fast attack Sub and an MMA..

    It’s my bad.. I didn’t mean for months (I should’ve re read what I wrote and edited it better) the longest I haven’t heard from him was during his second underway whic was a month and then when they re-ported again I didn’t hear from him for another month

    I guess my biggest concern is just him leaving out of the blue to go underway without telling me that they are...
    at least for this one I was kinda prepared for it because he gave me a heads up on when it was but then he left again not on the date he told me and I was so shocked
    From what DH tells me, this is pretty normal for Guam-based subs due to their mission. They don't always have a lot of notice, but I would definitely bring it up if it's concerning to you. I know I would be annoyed because there is almost always time to send a quick text for notice. As for the time he doesn't contact you, yeah, normal.
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    #8
    to MSOS. Please take a moment to read over our Everything A Newbie Needs To Know!!!thread. This is a very important sticky that will answer many of our most common newbie questions. It also has some VERY important information that every member of this site needs to read and know.
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    #9
    My husband was on a Guam-stationed sub and they're considered forward deployed so there were times while we were there that he called me and said bring me my seabag, we're leaving in 6hrs, don't know how long. That is absolutely something that happens out there because they're technically always on call as they're constantly "deployed" by being in Guam already.

    You need to have a discussion with him, though, because there's no reason he couldn't grab a boat phone to let you know he was leaving. All the guys on our old boat all would call up all the wives or be allowed to go back to their cars to grab their cell phones to let us all know.
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    #10
    Yes. You need to talk.

    The truth is that no matter how much some SOs want to believe otherwise, the number of circumstances where a service members leaves with literally no notice and no ability to say, "hey, I'm headed out" isn't quite zero, but it is damn close.

    If he's not telling you, it's because he's choosing not to. Period. Some people will want to blow smoke up your ass, but that's the cold, hard reality. And maybe thats okay. Maybe you don't expect more from your partner, for some reason. Or maybe the relationship isn't that serious and it's not at the point where he feels he needs to tell some casual date about his coming and goings. But you need to decide what you are okay with, and communicate that to him clearly and calmly. (Unless you are prepared to walk away after what he's already would be, which is what I'd do, but then again, self-respect is a pretty huge thing for me, as is not allowing myself to be disrespected or treated like a toy by someone else.) Either he will be willing to give you want you ask for and need, or he won't.

    But no, this is not a case of "he is at the whims of the military and just didn't have the ability to even send a text." He absolutely chose not to. He chose to prioritize other things, or simply didn't think to let you know.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski

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