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    #1

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    Hi all,

    I guess I should introduce myself first, I am Nicky, 33 from the UK. My OH is in the Royal Navy.
    We've been together for 21 months and for most of that time the OH was shoreside on training. So we got to spend basically all of our time together. 6 weeks ago she was deployed for the first time (since I have known her) and I am not dealing with it very well. I have no family and 1 friend who doesn't understand...hell I don't even understand it and I'm the one going through it!

    We spent so much of our time together that now I feel completely lost and alone. She was my family, my constant companion, now I am left to try and fill up my time (which I have a lot of) with meaningless sh*t which my heart is not in.

    I feel like I don't know her any more. She was so caring and always there, now I have to get my head around the idea that she can't be here no matter what I am going through. I could get hit by a bus and she still wouldn't be here.

    I sent her a parcel with sea bands (yes she's a sailor that gets sea sick) and I put little extra bits in there like her fav sweets etc, and a note. When she got the parcel she took out the sea bands and just disregarded the rest, she didn't even look at what else I had sent her. Shoved it away in a locker and forgot about it until I asked if she liked the sweets I sent her and she just said "what sweets". This isn't the girl I fell in love with. This is a whole new person that I am not sure if I like :-(

    I feel like I am being selfish by wanting to come first in her life and I am finding it so very hard to adjust to coming second to her job. And I know that she would never leave her job. Even if she did I know that she would resent me for it. I am in a catch 22 and I just don't know what to do.

    She's coming home soon and I am finding myself worrying that I can't let her back in again. I have put up walls to try and protect myself but I think my feelings for her have changed. Like I said before, she's not the woman I fell in love with. She's the woman that chooses to go away a LOT and chooses to be sea sick and basically be pot wash on a floating taxi rather than be with her family and the woman she supposedly loves. Like I said, I am not dealing well with this. Help needed please, before I go out of my mind. Before she went away she was the love of my life, now she feels like a stranger and it scares the hell out of me.
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by NikNak View Post
    Hi all,

    I guess I should introduce myself first, I am Nicky, 33 from the UK. My OH is in the Royal Navy.
    We've been together for 21 months and for most of that time the OH was shoreside on training. So we got to spend basically all of our time together. 6 weeks ago she was deployed for the first time (since I have known her) and I am not dealing with it very well. I have no family and 1 friend who doesn't understand...hell I don't even understand it and I'm the one going through it!

    We spent so much of our time together that now I feel completely lost and alone. She was my family, my constant companion, now I am left to try and fill up my time (which I have a lot of) with meaningless sh*t which my heart is not in.

    I feel like I don't know her any more. She was so caring and always there, now I have to get my head around the idea that she can't be here no matter what I am going through. I could get hit by a bus and she still wouldn't be here.

    I sent her a parcel with sea bands (yes she's a sailor that gets sea sick) and I put little extra bits in there like her fav sweets etc, and a note. When she got the parcel she took out the sea bands and just disregarded the rest, she didn't even look at what else I had sent her. Shoved it away in a locker and forgot about it until I asked if she liked the sweets I sent her and she just said "what sweets". This isn't the girl I fell in love with. This is a whole new person that I am not sure if I like :-(

    I feel like I am being selfish by wanting to come first in her life and I am finding it so very hard to adjust to coming second to her job. And I know that she would never leave her job. Even if she did I know that she would resent me for it. I am in a catch 22 and I just don't know what to do.

    She's coming home soon and I am finding myself worrying that I can't let her back in again. I have put up walls to try and protect myself but I think my feelings for her have changed. Like I said before, she's not the woman I fell in love with. She's the woman that chooses to go away a LOT and chooses to be sea sick and basically be pot wash on a floating taxi rather than be with her family and the woman she supposedly loves. Like I said, I am not dealing well with this. Help needed please, before I go out of my mind. Before she went away she was the love of my life, now she feels like a stranger and it scares the hell out of me.
    Does OH mean "other half"?

    Have you talked to her? I re-read your post a few times and aside from sort of blowing off the care package she hasn't really done anything. What stood out to me was that you have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she's in the Navy and "chooses" to be away.




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    Yes, sorry OH means other half.
    She hasnít done anything wrong so to speak, I just feel neglected and unloved. Her actions seem to be that she will only call me when she thinks Iím pissed off or upset etc, when she could call e just to say hey but she doesnít. And yes I am finding it hard that she is in the navy. Iíve never been in a relationship where I am not physically with that person, so it feels so alien to me.
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by NikNak View Post
    Yes, sorry OH means other half.
    She hasn’t done anything wrong so to speak, I just feel neglected and unloved. Her actions seem to be that she will only call me when she thinks I’m pissed off or upset etc, when she could call e just to say hey but she doesn’t. And yes I am finding it hard that she is in the navy. I’ve never been in a relationship where I am not physically with that person, so it feels so alien to me.
    You mentioned that this is her first deployment. Is it possible that she just doesn't know how to communicate while she's away? I understand feeling neglected, but y'all just need to work out a plan for communication keeping in mind her work schedule.

    Military relationships are not for everyone and that's okay! But what you're going through can be worked on, and believe it or not separations do get easier over time.




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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by NikNak View Post
    Hi all,

    I guess I should introduce myself first, I am Nicky, 33 from the UK. My OH is in the Royal Navy.
    We've been together for 21 months and for most of that time the OH was shoreside on training. So we got to spend basically all of our time together. 6 weeks ago she was deployed for the first time (since I have known her) and I am not dealing with it very well. I have no family and 1 friend who doesn't understand...hell I don't even understand it and I'm the one going through it!

    We spent so much of our time together that now I feel completely lost and alone. She was my family, my constant companion, now I am left to try and fill up my time (which I have a lot of) with meaningless sh*t which my heart is not in.

    I feel like I don't know her any more. She was so caring and always there, now I have to get my head around the idea that she can't be here no matter what I am going through. I could get hit by a bus and she still wouldn't be here.

    I sent her a parcel with sea bands (yes she's a sailor that gets sea sick) and I put little extra bits in there like her fav sweets etc, and a note. When she got the parcel she took out the sea bands and just disregarded the rest, she didn't even look at what else I had sent her. Shoved it away in a locker and forgot about it until I asked if she liked the sweets I sent her and she just said "what sweets". This isn't the girl I fell in love with. This is a whole new person that I am not sure if I like :-(

    I feel like I am being selfish by wanting to come first in her life and I am finding it so very hard to adjust to coming second to her job. And I know that she would never leave her job. Even if she did I know that she would resent me for it. I am in a catch 22 and I just don't know what to do.

    She's coming home soon and I am finding myself worrying that I can't let her back in again. I have put up walls to try and protect myself but I think my feelings for her have changed. Like I said before, she's not the woman I fell in love with. She's the woman that chooses to go away a LOT and chooses to be sea sick and basically be pot wash on a floating taxi rather than be with her family and the woman she supposedly loves. Like I said, I am not dealing well with this. Help needed please, before I go out of my mind. Before she went away she was the love of my life, now she feels like a stranger and it scares the hell out of me.
    I don't think that's fair. She is doing her job. If you think like that you are going to be very unhappy.


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    This is her first deployment since weíve been together. Sheís been in the Navy for 8 years so sheís had experience of being away whilst in relationships. Just not with me, obviously. I want it to work just donít know how at the moment. I donít mean to come across as an asshole Iím just venting lots of things that I canít say to anyone else.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by NikNak View Post
    Hi all,

    I guess I should introduce myself first, I am Nicky, 33 from the UK. My OH is in the Royal Navy.
    We've been together for 21 months and for most of that time the OH was shoreside on training. So we got to spend basically all of our time together. 6 weeks ago she was deployed for the first time (since I have known her) and I am not dealing with it very well. I have no family and 1 friend who doesn't understand...hell I don't even understand it and I'm the one going through it!

    We spent so much of our time together that now I feel completely lost and alone. She was my family, my constant companion, now I am left to try and fill up my time (which I have a lot of) with meaningless sh*t which my heart is not in.

    I feel like I don't know her any more. She was so caring and always there, now I have to get my head around the idea that she can't be here no matter what I am going through. I could get hit by a bus and she still wouldn't be here.

    I sent her a parcel with sea bands (yes she's a sailor that gets sea sick) and I put little extra bits in there like her fav sweets etc, and a note. When she got the parcel she took out the sea bands and just disregarded the rest, she didn't even look at what else I had sent her. Shoved it away in a locker and forgot about it until I asked if she liked the sweets I sent her and she just said "what sweets". This isn't the girl I fell in love with. This is a whole new person that I am not sure if I like :-(

    I feel like I am being selfish by wanting to come first in her life and I am finding it so very hard to adjust to coming second to her job. And I know that she would never leave her job. Even if she did I know that she would resent me for it. I am in a catch 22 and I just don't know what to do.

    She's coming home soon and I am finding myself worrying that I can't let her back in again. I have put up walls to try and protect myself but I think my feelings for her have changed. Like I said before, she's not the woman I fell in love with. She's the woman that chooses to go away a LOT and chooses to be sea sick and basically be pot wash on a floating taxi rather than be with her family and the woman she supposedly loves. Like I said, I am not dealing well with this. Help needed please, before I go out of my mind. Before she went away she was the love of my life, now she feels like a stranger and it scares the hell out of me.
    I want to start off by saying I get it...deployment/time apart sucks...my DB is currently deployed for over a year and he voluntarily put his name in the hat for this so I do kind of get where you are coming from. That being said, I think if you can shift your perspective a little it may help you to see your OH (I am also going to assume this means other half) as the same woman you fell in love with.

    The woman you love has a career in the Navy, that's part of who she is as much as the type of restaurants she likes to eat at or sports she likes to watch/play. WHO she is hasn't changed, but what her career is demanding of her has. The deployment/time away is TEMPORARY but the relationship you two have can be forever. You emphasize she isn't the woman you fell in love with but it sounds like the woman you fell in love with has been in the Navy the entire time you've known her, so she is the same woman, she just isn't at home right now?

    From reading your last paragraph it sounds like you've already decided she isn't the same person before she's even home and that you are anticipating shutting her out...is it possible that you have changed how you are toward her? DB and I have been apart several months now, while I don't get to see him in person when we Skype he is still the same person, our conversations are the same, we just aren't in the same room. But your fears of it being different are something everyone feels. We have R&R planned for the halfway point and DB has already said he fears it will be awkward because we will have gone about 8 months without seeing each other in person...my response was, so? why would it be awkward? We're the same people. But it's true, it could be a little awkward, that's a long time to be apart. He worries about not being a part of my every day life and occasionally jokes what if I get so used to him not being around I just change the locks before he gets home because I don't need him anymore. He jokes, but it's a real fear, that I'll drift away while he's over there. You aren't alone in having concerns or fears about time apart!

    I mentioned DB volunteered for this, but I support him in it, I know how important his Navy career is to him and I know how important this deployment is to his Navy career. I support him, and we are worth the wait, and as he always tells me this is temporary, we're forever, so we will get through this like anything else life throws at us. The biggest thing I think it keeping the communication open, if I have fears or concerns I talk to DB, if he has fears or concerns well he usually jokes about it and then I reassure him. We have our system...I think honestly you guys just have to find yours. My advice after all this rambling is don't give up on love because of deployments/time away, don't shut your other half out because you resent time apart, find a way to appreciate the time together even more and to try to treat time apart like an opportunity to strengthen your own independence and work on personal goals
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    I am trying not to shut her out, I have real issues with my emotions. My minds natural defence is to slam the walls up when I start to feel anything uncomfortable or painful. I have been like this for my whole life and I know its a problem.
    I want to support her and for everything to be the same when she contacts me via sat phone etc, but as I am hurting and I don't like admitting my unhappiness (my mind won't let me reveal weakness), I find myself being short with my responses. And on those brief moments when we have had a good conversation and we laugh, I realise how much I miss her and then the walls go up again because I got sad. I feel like I can't win.

    I suffer from severe anxiety and depression and I have done for years so I know that most of the problem here is me.
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    Quote Originally Posted by NikNak View Post
    I am trying not to shut her out, I have real issues with my emotions. My minds natural defence is to slam the walls up when I start to feel anything uncomfortable or painful. I have been like this for my whole life and I know its a problem.
    I want to support her and for everything to be the same when she contacts me via sat phone etc, but as I am hurting and I don't like admitting my unhappiness (my mind won't let me reveal weakness), I find myself being short with my responses. And on those brief moments when we have had a good conversation and we laugh, I realise how much I miss her and then the walls go up again because I got sad. I feel like I can't win.

    I suffer from severe anxiety and depression and I have done for years so I know that most of the problem here is me.
    It sounds like you have quite an opportunity here! It sounds like this relationship will give you the opportunity to work on your own anxiety and depression and learn to better understand and handle yourself. While it may not feel like it, this could be a blessing

    If you haven't spoken with someone about your anxiety/depression I would, there are so many helpful coping mechanisms (not including medications) that can really help you deal with both anxiety and depression. You may find you are able to develop new tools/routines that can really benefit you (as an individual) and also help strengthen your relationship during times you two are apart. Being long distance is never going to be the same as living in the same house as someone, but it doesn't have to be worse, it can just be different. And remember, it is a temporary long distance situation, it's not forever.

    If you think it's doomed though, it will be doomed because you've already decided it is...in my opinion you have been given a great opportunity to work on some of your own issues while building a life with someone you think is an amazing woman.
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    Thank you for the advice. I will try to figure my stuff out. I have been in and out of therapy for many years and find it a bit hit and miss.
    I know that one of my problems is that I have too much time to sit about and wallow. Sometimes itís hard to get out of your own way if you know what I mean?!

    I mentioned before that sheís coming home for leave soon. Sheíll be back for 2 weeks then sheís going again. Iím already worrying about that and sheís not even back yet!
    Iím a worrier, always have been.
    Iím still looking for the off switch to my brain.
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